|Tousled Tuesday, Aprilcot
18, 41 A.B.
Light winds have been blowing all day, shimmering the scenery, upending
my reflection, piling up photons in the corners of every room. It
is difficult to type with an upended reflection, but I shall do my best
to nail down the apparent details of a very strange day with 2-penny thoughts
and ball-peen keyboard lest they get blown into my neighbor's house or
car and I get sued for negligence....
I found my new winter coat today. Hanging in my closet, of all places.
I bought it - oh, I don't know. Last spring, I guess. Maybe
18 months ago. I did not think to search for it last fall.
I only found it today by accident as I ducked into my closet in hopes of
finding nothing more than a bit of relief from the light winds whipping
through my unharvestable visual fields. Now I must wait until next
winter to wear my new coat.
If I can remember it then.
If I have occasion to go outside between next November and next March....
While standing in my closet, mouth ajar at the re-discovery of my coat,
I had several realizations.
I realized that while I like blue and red equally well, I dislike red more.
That is to say, blue is always kewl, but red - red is sometimes dangerous.
I like it as well as blue anyway, against my better judgment. Tsk
I also realized that I'm right-handed. This wasn't the first time
I've realized this, of course, but it suddenly seemed just as odd a fact
of life as it did when I first realized that I have much better control
of my right hand than I do of my left. Why should I have better control
of my right hand than my left? It seems so arbitrary, unpredictable,
and inefficient. And it makes me wonder if the control I have over
even my right might not be the last word in control. What if I could
acquire a third hand which would be to my right hand what my right hand
is to my left in terms of control and dexterity? What undreamt of
worlds of physical manipulation might loom over even that distant,
Once I stopped sighing, I further realized why I might not have noticed
that I had lost a third of a tooth sometime between my visit to a dentist
last week and my last visit to the same dentist 3 years ago. The
way I see it, aliens must have come in the night to abduct my body while
it slept. They took one look at me and decided I'd be easier to transport
across the galaxy in pieces. After grunting and straining for untold
hours just to get a third of a tooth, they gave up. Thank goodness
they picked a tooth with a heavy filling in it! Had they slowly built
up their stamina by starting with those baby teeth I've refused to spit
out of my mouth for sentimental reasons, I might now be typing this from
inside a giant test tube.
I might have realized even more had I not chosen to leave my closet at
this point. Even a man who has successfully resisted alien abduction
has to sometimes relieve himself, after all, and I know from experience
that new winter coats and closets are not the best possible means
to that particular end. Apparently a gravesite is, but after a thorough
search of the house failed to uncover anything of the sort, I settled for
According to veteran Time magazine reporter Hugh Sidey, President Lyndon
Johnson was luckier when he had to go. According to Sidey, Johnson
took him out to the graves where he and Lady Bird were to be buried, then
peed in them.
Talk about being in the right place at the right time....
Which reminds me - I have an important message I need to post. Be
Entry Is NOT A Turn-Around!
You Need To Reverse Direction, Please Proceed
Next Exit And Re-Enter Highway Using
YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION!
I learned that story about President Johnson by reading Parade Magazine
I learned that Judy Garland slept with Yul Brynner by reading the March
27 issue of Newsweek today.
I can tell Parade from Newsweek (and both from Time) because they have
Anyway, can YOU see the King of Siam in bed with Dorothy??
Excuse me, but there's a closet I think I need to get back into.