"That's nice, Mommy, but what
I really have a taste for is blather!"
You try so hard. In fact, you work your fingers to the bone. And still... it just never seems to be enough....
Well, we here at "Almost Another Jester's Journal" know how difficult it can be to give your children all the blather they want, need, and deserve.
We realize that you never exactly intend to deny them their daily dose - it simply works out that way sometimes in a world in which there are few reliable, natural sources of this essential ingredient for a happy, successful life.
And we heartily suspect that you'd do anything to make it up to them if you had the time.
If only poor Grandma didn't need to be driven every afternoon to her psychotherapist.
If only rich Uncle Billy wasn't always on the phone demanding you testify again as a character witness.
If only the bodies of those dogs you keep hitting didn't need to be so carefully disposed of before someone calls in the police and their pesky Breatholizers....
Well, now there's a quick and easy way for you to make up for all those missed 3 a.m. blather feedings!
"Goodness gracious - HOW?!?!" you ask?
Simply by passing the URL of this journal along to your kids as soon as possible!
Yes, it's just that simple! All kids are computer literate nowadays (it was in those newspapers you haven't had time to read) and it's high time they started using that literacy to give you the break you've earned!
"Almost Another Jester's Journal" provides fast, one-click access to the FDA's recommended daily allowance of all 14 essential types of blather. It never forgets to show up and babysit when you and your Significant Other have made plans that don't involve the kids or your spouse. And it has just been found to have caused virtually NO detectable permanent damage to the 3 unsupervised tykes who've stumbled across it in the year it's been on the market!!
So, come on! Why give your children the same old chocolate cake this Easter weekend when you can give them the gift of BLATHER!
"I hereby certify that - at present rates of consumption -
the known reserves of blather in Mr. Birtcher's head
are sufficient to supply all YOUR family's needs for
at least another 566 years!"
- Dr. Bernie J. Olmserheiser, renowned brain geologist
Afraid war, depression, or a dramatic increase in quality TV programming
might interrupt the flow of blather from my head to your monitor?
Merely one of the SIX secret tank farms that
I keep constantly brimming with stockpiled blather
in my back yard just for your peace of mind!
"However can you - an allegedly rational creature - resist this special offer??
Why, had I known it was going to be this easy to take care of ALL my off-springs' blather needs,
I would have started having them before I entered puberty!"
So please -
before you forget -
for the good of the children -
pass that URL along TODAY!
(This shameless bit of self-promotion posted April 20, 2000 in lieu of the
regularly scheduled journal entry I simply didn't feel much like writing. Sorry.)
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(©Aprilcot 20, 41 A.B. by Dan Birtcher while feeling terribly, terribly
embarrassed and ashamed even though it's unlikely anyone he knows
can recognize him under the heavy disguise he is wearing)