Fun Facts Day
Aprilcot 21, 41 A.B.

Original Caption To The Background Photo:  "Woman plays her most important role as homemaker and mother.  The training she gives her children is vital to the growth of the individual, the community, and the nation."  (1958)

Main Worry Tonight:  Why does my PC tower suddenly sound like it has a distant air raid siren in it?  Do I need to take cover?!

Minor Worry Tonight:  My wife is going to Europe this summer.  I've just learned that President Clinton is going to be in Europe at the very same time.  Coincidence??

Info-Loop That Keeps Playing Endlessly In My Head:  The United States has about 33,000 post offices.  About 7 million people visit them every day they're open.  Virtually all of those people invariably chose the same time and branch to visit that I do.  This is not a good thing. 

How Can You Improve The Chances Of A Rat Having A Happy Life?  Lick it a lot while it's a baby.

Question I Don't Know The Answer To:  The first big dandelion bloom in these parts more or less coincides with April 15 - Tax Day.  Why hasn't anyone made more of this??

Why A Trip To The Grocery Store Arouses Me Something Fierce:  They play this tape sometimes while I shop.  A tape of a woman's voice.  A voice that says "No waiting in lane twelve."  It's that "twelve" that gets me.  All the other words are spoken in a normal tone of voice, but that "twelve"...  oh, that "twelve" comes out as the sultriest thing I've ever heard in a public place.  One syllable containing whole worlds of... insinuations.  I almost dropped my jug of juice the first time I heard it.  I don't think I can bear to go back and risk dropping something that would be even messier to clean up.

The Only Thing That Bothers Me About Thunderstorms:  The accusatory gusts.

Weather Phenomenon I'd Much Prefer To Experience Instead:  Flash rainbows.

Bit Of Dialogue I Really Wanna Hear On A TV Courtroom Drama:  "I hereby order the accused released on his own recognizance.  If the accused doesn't have his own recognizance, one will be assigned to him by the bailiff at nominal cost."

Why I'm Terribly, Terribly Jealous Of A Certain British Supermarket's Photo Processing Department:  It has a collection of over 24,000 photos of fingers and thumbs that were accidentally snapped by amateur photographers.

Second Bit Of Dialogue I Really Wanna Hear On A TV Courtroom Drama:  "I move that the witness be stricken from the stand." 

New Habit I'm Trying To Get Into:  Planting a single seed of grass in its own  little pot every Wednesday precisely at noon.

News Story I Really Wanna Hear Someday Soon:  "In a 7-2 vote late this afternoon, the Supreme Court ruled that police may not check writers for illegally offensive language by squeezing their heads."

What I Want To Do Before I'm 65:  Successfully convince people to start using the phrase "self-deprecating humorlessness." 

What I Should Be Doing Instead Of Writing This:  Polishing my peavy.

What I Will Be Doing As Soon As I Post This:  Singing "Sunny days/Sunny nights/How can I sleep without my darkness?" to the tune of the Bee Gees' old "Lonely Days" song.

Why I Might Not Post Tomorrow:  My wife may make good on her threat to blop my keyestor if I ever again start singing "Sunny days/Sunny nights/How can I sleep without my darkness?" after she herself has fallen into a deep, deep sleep. 

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(©Verbally by Dan Birtcher with one vocal cord tied behind his back)