|Bunny Day, Aprilcot 23, 41
Been a busy day here, what with jumping up at dawn, running around collecting
eggs and candy, and then trying to get back out of the store before being
stopped and frisked by a suspicious security guard.
The worst of it wasn't having to convince a certain detective that the
lump in my pocket was a tumor.
The worst of it wasn't even getting him to believe that the lump in my
pocket could only be a tumor without even having to work at it.
The worst of it was arriving home, only to be teased again by my cat.
"So - you still believe in the Easter Bunny?"
Yes, Jester - I do.
"Even though he makes you go out and steal your own goodies now?"
He's a busy bunny, Jess. And I can fend for myself. See?
This used to be a Peep before I smuggled it out of the grocery in my back
pocket. Tastes as good as ever though. Here - I saved the beak
for you. Or is that a foot?
"No, thanks. Your delusions are making me nauseous."
Delusions? Hey, if there really wasn't an Easter Bunny, who's
THIS a chocolate effigy of? Santa Claus??
"Do me a favor and go put an open bag of cat food on the floor before they
come and take you away, ok? I'll sleep better."
Let's call him.
"Call him who? The bag of cat food is male? You're sicker
than I thought, man!"
Let's call the Easter Bunny. Hearing is believing.
"Uh-huh, yeah, well - I'm sure if he does exist, he has an unlisted number.
Just to protect himself from, you know - the weirdoes who actually believe
Nope. Got his number right here. He gave it to me once after
I'd helped him get through a few personal problems. In fact, he was
drinking heavily at the time because his 456th mate had just left him and
- well, anyway, he said if I ever needed anything, I should just call.
"Give me that! It's time someone stepped in and proved your madness
to you once and for all!"
"Hello. You have reached beep-beep-beep-boop-beep-bop-boof.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm the Easter Bunny and this
is my busy day, but if you'll leave your name, number, and short message
after the sound of the excited nose twitching, I'll get back with you as
soon as I can...."
Hang on the line, Jess - and tell him you're a friend of mine. He's
probably just screening his calls!
*Sound of excited
"Umm, yes - this
is Jester. Jester the Cat. Owner of Dan - "
Well, hi there,
buddy! What can I do for ya??
"Ummm - Mr. Bunny?"
At your service!
But make it snappy - need to go soak my feet! Geez, what a day!!
Umm, well, Mr. Bunny, I just had a few questions. Do you mind?"
You're not that
cat that chased me halfway across Kansas this morning, are you?!
partial to catnip-stuffed lobsters myself. Mammals make me queasy."
That's far more
than I need to know, thanks. I'll give ya five. GO!
lobsters?? Oh, Mr. Bunny - I don't know what to say!"
saying "I'm an idiot!" because I meant that I'll give ya five questions.
Ummm - why eggs?"
are out of season. Thank GOODNESS!! Next!
"How can you
afford to give baskets of goodies to kids all over the world without charging
them even shipping and handling?"
The National Endowment for the Humanities has been crazy about me ever
since I re-packaged my antics as performance art. Heehee! Bugs
Bunny could learn a thing or two from me in the wascal department, eh,
"How do you feel about having to share Easter
with Jesus? "
I'm sorry, I
really can't say. The judge handling my holiday infringement suit
has imposed a gag order on all of us. Anything else?
"Any truth to
the rumor that you smoked plastic grass while studying to be a seasonal
icon at Berkeley?"
LIES! And when I find out which reindeer first came up with them,
Rudolph ain't gonna be the only one with a red nose, let me tell ya!
Stupid jealous animals - buzzing the Bunny Trail when they really ought
to be learning how to shower, if you know what I mean.
"One last question."
"Are you really
the Easter Bunny?"
No, I'm actually
Hans, Dan's imaginary Bohemian friend.
was doing so well, too. Well, gotta hop. BYE!
"Nice try, guys. But the human always comes out and mucks things
up in the end."
Yeah, well... if we'd only had a few more days to rehearse, you'd never
had a chance. Hans was a last-minute replacement for Sylvia.
She would have fooled ya good if she hadn't caught a bad case of laryngitis
from a quilt pattern.
Of a kid with a snotty nose. Very realistic.
"Well, just between cat and human, I didn't really think the Easter Bunny
would have a local number."
We were kinda hoping you wouldn't notice in the excitement of the moment.
"Well, maybe if it hadn't been your office phone number."
You are quite excitable sometimes, you know. Especially when
phoning potential prey. We were really counting on that.
"I could hear your office phone ringing."
DO I LOOK LIKE STEVEN SPIELBERG?? Give me a break on the damn production
Yeah, well, just remember: I'm not the one who fell into your
Sorry. Wanna kiss and make up over some jellybeans?
"We can make up over jellybeans, but I swear - you try to kiss me and I'm
hauling your ass before Judge Wopner for sure."
Make it Judge Judy and ya got yourself a deal.
And what about me?? NO jellybeans to spare for the hardest
working imaginary friend in the house?
Hans. I'm afraid you blew it today.
"And your font size is too small to earn you a seat at the table with the
Big Boys, anyway."
know, I don't think the Easter Bunny has a German accent, either."
ONE more word, Jess, and I'm telling everyone about your Peeps phobia!
"Ummm, seems you just did."
Opps. Sorry. I'll edit that out before uploading.
"See that you do or Mr. Chocolate Bunny here gets it - right between his
beady yellow eyes...."
Back To Pre-Holiday Blather
Home To Sift The Bunny
Forward To See How I'm Coping
The Recent Demise Of Mr. Chocolate
(©Now by Hans while doing a horrible
of the actually much more real Dan Birtcher)