Bunny Day, Aprilcot 23, 41 A.B.

     Been a busy day here, what with jumping up at dawn, running around collecting eggs and candy, and then trying to get back out of the store before being stopped and frisked by a suspicious security guard.

     The worst of it wasn't having to convince a certain detective that the lump in my pocket was a tumor.  
     The worst of it wasn't even getting him to believe that the lump in my pocket could only be a tumor without even having to work at it. 
     The worst of it was arriving home, only to be teased again by my cat.

     "So - you still believe in the Easter Bunny?"
     Yes, Jester - I do.
     "Even though he makes you go out and steal your own goodies now?"
     He's a busy bunny, Jess.  And I can fend for myself.  See?  This used to be a Peep before I smuggled it out of the grocery in my back pocket.  Tastes as good as ever though.  Here - I saved the beak for you.  Or is that a foot?
     "No, thanks.  Your delusions are making me nauseous."
     Delusions?  Hey, if there really wasn't an Easter Bunny, who's THIS a chocolate effigy of?  Santa Claus??
     "Do me a favor and go put an open bag of cat food on the floor before they come and take you away, ok?  I'll sleep better."  
     Let's call him.
     "Call him who?  The bag of cat food is male?  You're sicker than I thought, man!"
     Let's call the Easter Bunny.  Hearing is believing.
     "Uh-huh, yeah, well - I'm sure if he does exist, he has an unlisted number.  Just to protect himself from, you know - the weirdoes who actually believe in him."
     Nope.  Got his number right here.  He gave it to me once after I'd helped him get through a few personal problems.  In fact, he was drinking heavily at the time because his 456th mate had just left him and - well, anyway, he said if I ever needed anything, I should just call.
     "Give me that!  It's time someone stepped in and proved your madness to you once and for all!"


     "Hello.  You have reached beep-beep-beep-boop-beep-bop-boof.  I can't come to the phone right now because I'm the Easter Bunny and this is my busy day, but if you'll leave your name, number, and short message after the sound of the excited nose twitching, I'll get back with you as soon as I can...."

     Hang on the line, Jess - and tell him you're a friend of mine.  He's probably just screening his calls!

     *Sound of excited nose twitching*
     "Umm, yes - this is Jester.  Jester the Cat.  Owner of Dan - "
     Well, hi there, buddy!  What can I do for ya??
     "Ummm - Mr. Bunny?"
     At your service!  But make it snappy - need to go soak my feet!  Geez, what a day!!
     "Oh, right.  Umm, well, Mr. Bunny, I just had a few questions.  Do you mind?"
     You're not that cat that chased me halfway across Kansas this morning, are you?!
     "No.  I'm partial to catnip-stuffed lobsters myself.  Mammals make me queasy."
     That's far more than I need to know, thanks.  I'll give ya five.  GO!
     "Five catnip-stuffed lobsters??  Oh, Mr. Bunny - I don't know what to say!"
     Well, trying saying "I'm an idiot!" because I meant that I'll give ya five questions.
     "Oh.  Ok.  Ummm - why eggs?"
     Because watermelon are out of season.  Thank GOODNESS!!  Next!
     "How can you afford to give baskets of goodies to kids all over the world without charging them even shipping and handling?"
     Government grant.  The National Endowment for the Humanities has been crazy about me ever since I re-packaged my antics as performance art.  Heehee!  Bugs Bunny could learn a thing or two from me in the wascal department, eh, Doc?  Next!
     "How do you feel about having to share Easter with Jesus? "

     I'm sorry, I really can't say.  The judge handling my holiday infringement suit has imposed a gag order on all of us.  Anything else?
     "Any truth to the rumor that you smoked plastic grass while studying to be a seasonal icon at Berkeley?"
     LIES!  All LIES!  And when I find out which reindeer first came up with them, Rudolph ain't gonna be the only one with a red nose, let me tell ya!  Stupid jealous animals - buzzing the Bunny Trail when they really ought to be learning how to shower, if you know what I mean.
     "One last question."
     "Are you really the Easter Bunny?"
     No, I'm actually Hans, Dan's imaginary Bohemian friend.
     Oops.  I was doing so well, too.  Well, gotta hop.  BYE!

     "Nice try, guys.  But the human always comes out and mucks things up in the end."
     Yeah, well... if we'd only had a few more days to rehearse, you'd never had a chance.  Hans was a last-minute replacement for Sylvia.  She would have fooled ya good if she hadn't caught a bad case of laryngitis from a quilt pattern.
     "Quilt pattern?"
     Of a kid with a snotty nose.  Very realistic.
     "Well, just between cat and human, I didn't really think the Easter Bunny would have a local number."
     We were kinda hoping you wouldn't notice in the excitement of the moment.
     "Well, maybe if it hadn't been your office phone number."
     You are quite excitable sometimes, you know.  Especially when phoning potential prey.  We were really counting on that. 
     "I could hear your office phone ringing."
     DO I LOOK LIKE STEVEN SPIELBERG??  Give me a break on the damn production values already!
     "You're pathetic."
     Yeah, well, just remember: I'm not the one who fell into your window well.
     Sorry.  Wanna kiss and make up over some jellybeans?
     "We can make up over jellybeans, but I swear - you try to kiss me and I'm hauling your ass before Judge Wopner for sure."
     Make it Judge Judy and ya got yourself a deal.
     And what about me??  NO jellybeans to spare for the hardest working imaginary friend in the house?

     Sorry, Hans.  I'm afraid you blew it today.
     "And your font size is too small to earn you a seat at the table with the Big Boys, anyway."


     "You know, I don't think the Easter Bunny has a German accent, either."
     ONE more word, Jess,  and I'm telling everyone about your Peeps phobia!
     "Ummm, seems you just did."
     Opps.  Sorry.  I'll edit that out before uploading.
     "See that you do or Mr. Chocolate Bunny here gets it - right between his beady yellow eyes...."

Back To Pre-Holiday Blather

Home To Sift The Bunny

Forward To See How I'm Coping With
The Recent Demise Of Mr. Chocolate Bunny


(©Now by Hans while doing a horrible impersonation 
of the actually much more real Dan Birtcher)