Belated Earth Day, Aprilcot 25, 41 A.B.

     No entry yesterday.  I was in the hospital - the Sugar Detox Unit - having my brain pumped clean of Peeps.  It's a post-Easter tradition I wouldn't miss for the world.
     If anyone were to offer me a bag of pastel M&Ms instead of the world, however, I might be persuaded to change my ways.

     In an attempt to hasten my recovery, my wife took me to the woods today.  
     And then she actually brought me back.
     Amazing woman, my wife.  Always full of surprises!

     While near, in, and about the woods, I made a few observations.  Upon discovering that making observations tended to take my mind off the psychedelic bunnies dancing around the frayed edges of my peripheral vision, I took the time to make several more.
     Among those I bothered to bring home with me were the following:

     ~ There's a lot of green in the woods.  
     ~ What isn't green is brown.
     ~ If our ancient ancestors instead of our ancient grandparents had invented TV, it is hard to avoid the conclusion that the earliest sets would have had green and brown pictures instead of black and white.
     ~ After two hours in the woods, it is impossible to even remember what black and white look like.
     ~ There are whole acres of land on this planet which lack a single phone jack for a modem.
     ~ There are whole acres of land on this planet where it still might be possible to hide decapitated chocolate bunnies in shallow graves when your nurse isn't looking.

     Upon reflection, a few other things occurred to me.  Among them:

     ~ Today was the first day of the year that the trees were leafy enough to cast obvious summer-like shadows.  And I didn't even have to go to the woods to realize this.  I merely looked out my kitchen window - proof that some of the best scientific research can be done without our having to mount a major expedition.  (NASA - are you listening??)
     ~ When you're in the woods, things are either jumping away from you or jumping at you.  Little things.  Things that sound like big things but that you can't see.  Things that just might be tasty, but more likely than not are hairy and/or poisonous.  I find this all rather disturbing.  The things that run away from me make me feel like Raskolnikov in Dostoevski's "Crime and Punishment."  You know - guilty and evil.  The things that jump at me, on the other hand, threaten to turn me into Raskolnikov.  You know - murderous. Thank goodness for trees.  Trees appear to be indifferent to my presence.  Without trees, the woods would have little redeeming value. 
     ~ The trillium is blooming!  See??

I'm ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille!

I like trillium.  Funny how something that would strike me as downright ugly were I to discover it growing in my underwear drawer can be so beautiful when it covers a much larger hillside.  My wife added to its appeal by calling it "trilobite."  I love trilobites, but the sad fact is that they've been extinct for millions of years.  When she pointed and exclaimed "Look at all the trilobites covering that hill!" - well, it was one of the high points of my life.  Had she not been with me, I almost certainly would have seen the trillium and thought "tritium" - an essential component of U.S. hydrogen bombs - and gotten quite bummed out instead.  So:  Even if she'd taken me to the woods and left me there, I would have forgiven her had she waited until after her "trilobite" exclamation to abandon me.  Guess I really am just an old romantic fool at heart.
     ~ The toadshade is blooming too!  SEE??

You say toadshade - I say frogshade - let's call the whole thing off


No, no toads were actually seen shading themselves under a single one of these numerous plants.  No trilobites either (extinct or otherwise).  I like the toadshade anyway.  Just because it has a neat name, is a sure sign we haven't been subsumed by a new ice age, and looks vaguely obscene.  And wouldn't you know - it's actually a member of the trillium family!  (Though I suppose it would be very tacky to send just a single Christmas card.)

     Sudden thought: Is it legal for plant families to adopt humans??  Would an adoptee actually have to live in the woods in order to be considered a true member of the clan?  If so, would a chance to inherit a fully developed root system be worth the risk of burning out the green- and brown-sensitive areas of  my retinas?  What if the fully developed root system has loosened the ground, making it that much easier to bury those decapitated chocolate bunnies?

     ACK!  I can't think enough to deduce answers to any of these questions!  There's a Peep remnant suddenly clogging my neuronic pathways!!!
     ACK! ACK! ACK!
     It's back to the Sugar Detox ward for me!!!!!!!!!!!


Back To The Days Of
Wine- And Roses-Flavored


Forward To See If Anyone Has Succeeded
In Getting Another Peep Out Of Me


(©Now by Dan Birtcher - professional Easter basket case) 


When you're extinct no one pesters you to change your long-distance carrier

Trilobite Fossil

Compare and contrast with
trillium photo for extra credit!