|Holloween, Aprilcot 27, 41
A bit sad today. A tad letdown.
But then, that's the way I always feel the day after Secretaries Day.
While the world of associates and assistants made merry with cards and
flowers and funny gag gifts all day yesterday, I once again was left alone
to come face to face with the realization that I'm simply not able to afford
so much as a single silly temp I can call mine.
If only Santa would honor my one and only request - just once.
If only I had the big desk and intercom system a man must have in order
to lure a secretary to him on his own....
It's always been this way, of course.
I can recall how dark this time of year was for me even as a tiny tot.
When all the other children would beg their parents for puppies, guppies,
ponies, and kittens, I alone was begging my mom and dad (and every passing
stranger) for a stray secretary.
And even though I promised to take good care of her no matter her color
and whatever her size (so long as she didn't bite), they never came through
for me. Never!
Instead they laughed. They teased. And they tried to tell me
that the Child Labor Laws specifically banned children my age from hiring
as well as being hired.
By the time I realized they had lied to me, it was too late. I was
almost 30, allowanceless, and no longer able to pay wages to a secretary
even if I had wanted to....
The special little office I had made for her out of peach crates and duct
tape with my own hands went right into the trash.
And my little broken heart went in right beside it....
The day never gets any easier. It's always a traumatic occasion,
from the time I wake up in the morning and realize I'll always have to
collate my blather alone until the time I go to bed and think how another
year has come and gone without a single paid underling having helped me
fold, spindle, and mutilate my twaddle.
This year, however, as in the past four, I did succeed in distracting myself
from the pain of it all by coming up with a new special project.
I decided to form a spy ring.
came to me as I was mowing the grass and realized "This could be an October
day." I had awakened to find ice in the birdbath - just like in October.
And although things had warmed up considerably by the time I was once again
making big green into little green in the late afternoon, the air was still
noticeably chilly - just like October.
And then I noticed the sunlight. While no longer as weak and wan
as it is in the winter, it was by no means as bright and overbearing as
on a typical summer's day. In other words, the sunlight was virtually
And it made me wonder: What other odd things are unfolding around
the world? What other days and things in other places and lives are
appearing to be weirdly Octoberish, yet going unrecorded, unshared, and
I decided right then and there to form a spy ring. Its mission: To
seek out all these bizarrely autumnal things going on around us (and preferably
photograph them with really cool mini-cameras disguised as brief cases
and pens). My task: To selfishly pour over all the data as it comes
in - and then...
To try to make sense of it all!
For the good of mankind.
To safeguard the fate of the free world.
Or at least to take my mind off the agony of Secretaries Day.
Anyone wanting to be a charter member of this spy ring, please drop me
Although I'm not at liberty to promise anything in exchange at this point,
I can vaguely hint with winks and nods that if things go according to plan
and I get my parents to restore my allowance, there's a chance of some
lucky spy winning a trench coat with his or her name stenciled on the back.
But what's this??
Is that September that I smell lurking behind my lilac bush??
Come, Jester! Hurry!
THE GAME IS AFOOT!!!
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