Auggie 19, 41 A.B.
Has anybody here seen my old friend, Bunny? Can you tell me where she's gone?? She ate a lot of flowers, but I doubt that she exploded. I just turned around (after a 3-week, court-ordered, drug-induced coma) and she was GONE!
NAME: Unknown. Does NOT answer to any of the 450+ names on my Special Names List . If you spot a bunny and it comes when you shout any of these 450+ names, it is NOT the bunny I am looking for. Please do NOT waste my time with it!
ADDRESS: Well, DUH! If I knew THAT, I wouldn't be upset enough to write this, would I??
MODEL: Basic brown (otherwise known as "Brassy Butternut" in the U.S. Army's latest Surplus Bunny Catalog)
SERIAL NUMBER: 7146878B - judging from the negative imprint left in the mud where she was seen wallowing one day last spring. I cannot rule out the possibly of a hoax orchestrated by ants that might have watched that Discover special on how those British guys faked crop circles, however. (This was before I found the wire leading from my cable pole to an anthill and ripped it out.)
AGE/D.O.B.: Hey, I just love 'em, I don't date 'em!
GENDER: I'm guessing she was a female, since I keep using the pronoun "she" with regard to her, but who knows - maybe bunny grammar rules are the exact opposite of ours.
MARITAL STATUS: Judging from the expression on her face, I'd say she was excessively married.
RELIGIOUS PREFERENCE: Unknown. But there was a certain something about her I can't describe which rather reminded me of a Zen Buddhist I once sat behind in a college philosophy class and tormented by endlessly clapping one hand. (It may have been the furry ears... hmmmmm....)
KNOWN ALLERGIES: Cats, birds of prey, lawnmowers, poorly dubbed Japanese horror movies; also, had a Med Alert bracelet warning against the application of hollandaise sauce
DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: Habits, stealth, coloration, and quietness all contributed to making my bunny very difficult to spot or notice. If you're in an area that appears to be bunny-free, my bunny very well might be there! CHECK, DAMMIT!
Oh, who am I fooling... It's hopeless - HOPELESS! All that probably remains of my sweet little bunny is a bit of dirty brown fur, going around and around the rear wheel of a Ford Explorer or ironically named Good Humor truck. Or maybe my bunny is now little more than an excreted pile of schnauzer poop, sadly destined to fertilize flowers my dear little cutie will never get a chance to eat....
Only one question remains in my tired, grief-stricken mind...
Will YOU be my bunny?
It's not very hard work, and you can pretty much eat whatever you want in my back yard, and you can have the entire winter off for hibernating - and much of the spring, too, once you get all done popping babies out of your tight little burrow (not provided).
Oh, it would mean sooooo much to me. It really would!! I would HUG you and KISS you and LOVE you forever and ever!!!!!
Just take the following Bunny Civil Service Exam (mandated by law) while I toss a few fresh carrot chunks out my back door and we'll be all set!
1) Can you chew grass and hop at the same time?
2) Does your tail look great against a green background?
3) Can you go for extended periods of time without having a cigarette dangling seductively from your wine-scented lips?
4) Will being shot at every so often inflame your natural paranoia to such an extent that you'll be inclined to file for workman's comp?
5) Can you scratch behind your ears with at least one foot?
6) Have you had any experience defecating in public?
7) If caught by a dog, do you think you could manage to remember not to bleed on the marigolds, coleus, or herbs if I wrote it down for you on a little note you can hide in a hollowed-out tooth?
8) True or false: "I need to wear clothes to feel at ease when visiting the back yards of men I barely know."
9) You're not wanted for war crimes in Bosnia or Kosovo, are you?
Great, great - I'm sure you did great. You can start Monday. Or Tuesday. Surprise me.
Right now, I gotta go. Today is the first day of squirrel hunting season here in Ohio and I've just been informed by several of the 347 refugees in my house that the three jars of peanut butter I got yesterday will not be enough to guarantee my living to see another dawn.
Hope to be admiring ya from out my laundry room window SOON!
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