Mon., Auggie 21, 41 A.B.
"Dear Dan: I've noticed that, despite all the writing you do, you don't really reveal a whole lot about yourself. I'm just curious - are you doing this on purpose or do you really think that we, your loyal readers, aren't interested? If you have something to hide or are merely shy, that's fine, but I wanted to let you know that I, for one, am very interested in you, the person, and would enjoy reading an entry or two in which you told more about yourself. Thanks! Love, Amy"
Dear Amy -
No, I don't have anything to hide. Like most people I know, I'm simply not a very interesting person. Instead of pretending I'm something I'm not, I prefer to simply get real drunk and sit at a keyboard for a couple of hours each night in the hope of randomly typing something my sober self might find halfway amusing come the morrow. I actually pulled that trick off once, after all, and who knows? Maybe I'll manage to do it again someday.
Despite my long-standing belief that this is absolutely the best modus operandi for me, I've decided tonight to accede to your gracious request and reveal a few things about myself that I otherwise never would have revealed. After all, you seem like a very nice, sincere reader, and maybe once you get to know me a bit better, you'll want to have sex or something.
So: Here are a few things I don't believe I've ever written about here before. Enjoy 'em if ya can. Allow 'em to arouse you, if they must. And at least have the decency to blatantly lie this coming weekend when I hunt you down and demand to know your honest reaction.
1) I like to consider myself fairly well informed, but last night when I watched ABC's "World News Tonight" broadcast and heard them say that U.S. defense spending is now 60 times Russia's, well, I about fell out of my high chair. I actually had to rewind the tape and listen again, thinking maybe they had said 16 times, or maybe 6. Nope. It was 60 times, alright. Seems I'd previously read in my newspaper that the U.S. was spending 5 or 6 times what Russia and China combined are spending, but even so... "60" kinda threw this lapsed pacifist for a loop. Like, what the hell? You know?
2) Speaking of the newspaper, there was a story in Wednesday that really surprised me, too. It tried to tell me that men 35 and older do a certain something only a quarter as often as men 25 and younger, and, well, I just found it hard to believe. What certain something? Fall into a deep sleep. Allegedly men my age spend only 5% of their total sleep time in deep REM sleep, while men 25 and younger spend a robust 20% of their total sleep time there. By the time a guy hits 45 (so the story goes), he has just about forgotten how to sleep deeply. Well, shit. I've been looking forward my whole life to falling into a deep sleep at the dinner table, in front of the TV, at the theater, and many, many other places just like grandpa always did. I've even been practicing every chance I got ever since I was, like, 20. Now what?? The best years of sleep are behind me??? Somebody should have taken me aside, shaken me by the lapels, and told me this loudly and repeatedly when I was about 13 or so - I would have made it a point to enjoy all my deep sleep more while I still had the chance!
3) Ok, so those things aren't *quite* as personal as some of the things other people relate in their journals. Sorry. If they want to risk igniting more Western forests by tossing their hot like secrets out into cyberspace to be downloaded who knows where, that's their choice. I choose to exhibit some self-restraint for the good of the ecosystem.
4) I used to confuse August and auspex. I know saying this makes me sound like an idiot, but it's true. My sister's birthday happens to be in a few days and - from a very early age - I seem to have always referred to it as Auspex 25th no matter how many times my mother told me, "Now, Danny, you know damn well that your goddamn sister was born in AUGUST and not in some augur of ancient Rome who interpreted omens derived from the observation of birds! Get it right or NO birthday cake for YOU!" By the time I managed to get it right more than half the time, my godda- my sister had moved away to Detroit. My therapist says this is probably why I can now only smack my lips in a room, a car, or an airplane rest room that happens to have a cake in it.
5) I've never been able to accept that old wives' tale that a mere 15% of a suburb is above ground.
6) I sometimes fantasize about underage saints.
I'm done now.
Please don't hate me for being honest.
Back To Pure, Unadulterated Blather
Utterly Unblemished By A Single Incident
Of Gratuitous Soul Baring
Home To Ponder All The Entries
So Much Less Embarrassing Than This One
Forward To See If Danny Will Attempt
To Avoid The Criminal Conviction This Entry Demands
By Shamelessly Attempting To Sway The Jury
By Posting More Cute Bunny Pictures
(©Now by the paralytically chagrined Dan Birtcher)
P.S. - Although I've only had one person apply for the position of Back Yard Bunny
that I listed the other day, that person happens to be a very strong candidate
(complete with a tail that looks good against all sorts of backgrounds).
If you're at all interested in the job of being my Bunny, please apply soon!