Tues., Auggie 22, 41 A.B.

Mowing day here again.  And as usual, I'm left feeling like I've just matriculated against my will.  Pangs of striation start at my feet and continue up my legs the length of a Gore speech.  Then the transaxial crimps begin.


Oh, sure, those transaxial crimps are visually arresting, but I'm simply too cross-eyed after marinating in my own juices for hours to enjoy 'em.

Not to dwell on my problems or anything, but...  the mowing this time was especially wearing because I pushed the mower east-west today instead of north-south like last time.  East-west mowings are always more wearing because I have to cross the Earth's magnetic lines of force instead of merely easing myself down between two lines and just rolling along as smoothly as a bowling ball in a gutter.

The turns, of course, were especially torturous because of the iron in my body and the way each iron particle must re-align itself with these magnetic lines of force each time I reverse direction.  Just imagine what it's like to have billions of these rough metal particles rapidly spinning inside every part of your body every single time you turn!  It's no wonder that on the evenings of days like this, my innards feel like they've been run through the Cuisinart one too many times....

On the plus side...  I made a stunning discovery today!!  Yes, it's true!  And it's one that will make my life soooooo much better in the coming days!  Yeah, it was one of those accidental discoveries one tends to snicker about when one reads about them happening to some other poor doofus, but I'm so happy right now, I don't care!  And I want to share it with you RIGHT NOW so you can start making it work for YOU!

Here it is:

You don't have to turn your whole body when you want to look at something to the left or right - you can get away with merely turning your neck!

Yes, it's TRUE!  I know because I was just mowing along, minding my own business, wondering how torn up my innards were gonna end up this week, when all of a sudden I heard a cricket off to my right and my head just turned to see if it could spot the little buggy!

Now, my head had never done anything like this before.  In fact, it seems to pride itself on doing nothing at all.  But today it seems to have decided to take pity on my body, reduce the number of times it had to experience dramatic internal iron re-alignment, and it turned itself alone instead.

I was stunned, to say the least.  So stunned that at first I thought the world had moved rather than my head.  That would have been a nice gesture on the part of the world, I think, but I soon realized what had actually happened.  And what had actually happened was my head had turned.  On my neck - a part of my body I had previously thought existed only to keep my chin from wearing a hole in my chest while I chewed.

Ok, I know you're anxious to try this head turn business yourself, so I'll cut this short.  Heck, I suspect you're already turning your head back and forth even as you're reading this, aren't you??  Well, GO FOR IT!  It does my heart good to know my wisdom is already having an impact on your own life!

And to think that I managed to figure this thing out for myself without having to resort to one of those female head turners the guys used to talk so much about in the locker room at school!  I feel so smart!  So pure!!  So damn superior that I waited for things to happen gently, and naturally, and just when I needed them most!

Now if I can only remember how to get up out of this chair before my bladder bursts, my life will be complete!!!

Or at least it'll be much more pleasant than it ended up being last night....

(Primitive Pre-Head Pivot Days)


Home To See What Else
Might Turn, Nod, And Sway
When Exposed To Insect Life


Forward To See If My Planned
Poking Experiments On My Appendix
Lead To Yet Another Break-Thru


(©Now by Dan Birtcher, sudden sock puppet wannabe)

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