wednesday, auggie 30, 41 a.b.
"the truth is out there... some assembly required...." - common babylonian inscription that anthropologists date back to the day james dean had his car accident
ok, i don't often write one of those typical journal entries that go "i got up, i had corn flakes, i spent 8 hours in a midwest slaughterhouse offing innocent moo cows so y'all might stuff your faces with something other than soy curd" but today... well, today i can't think of anything else to do....
because i myself don't personally work 8 hours in a midwest slaughterhouse, however, the actual details i'm about to relate might vary somewhat from an entry written by someone who does.
(oh, and since i remain uncertain of my ability to tell time correctly, the following account of my day is being presented alphabetically by subject rather than chronologically by time of occurrence. having actually lived a day alphabetically rather than chronologically once, i can assure you that it really doesn't make too much difference in the end. in both cases, when all is said and done, you still end up in bed after some z's.....)
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ARCHAEOLOGY - the good news: in the course of scooping out jester's litterbox box today, i uncovered another ancient city!! the bad news: all the residents seem to have died of uremic poisoning. i think i'll delicately attribute their demise to an unspecified flood when i go to publish my findings....
BALLET - got a call from someone who had dialed my number by mistake. after politely dancing around the subject of how much i hate being interrupted by wrong numbers, i finally came right out and signaled my disgust with a rude pirouette. did my heart good, but now my foot hurts. must remember to use this next time i am asked to illustrate the concept of yin and yang....
CATECHISM - drew up a logical, numbered list of questions and answers illustrating what i believe in and why. by the time i had reached "catechism" and realized i don't believe in them for no reason in particular, i felt like a real fool. got a new pen out of the supply drawer and played with it until the feeling passed and my natural giddiness returned....
ENDOMETRIOSIS - found more stray bits of material in my pelvic cavity which properly belong only in a womb. residual shrapnel from the day last summer i unknowingly got on an elevator with a woman whose womb was destined to drop during the ride? my lawyer is sure of it. the question is: will a jury agree?
GAUNTLET - managed to squeeze in another 47.373 minutes practicing throwing it down. really like my new, lightweight, titanium model, even if it does tend to bounce back up and hit me right behind the ears occasionally. MUCH easier on the toes than the wrought iron model my grandfather left me despite my making it clear to him that i preferred to get his humorously enlarged jerboa when it was no longer of any possible use to him. i still shudder to think what services his nurse performed to get that humorously enlarged jerboa instead of any member of the family. can't help but wonder what part of her it hits when she throws it down and it bounces....
MEDICAL EXPERIMENTATION - continued serving as a test subject for the local medical research lab people. having previously helped them develop a very promising blood test which detects cuts and puncture wounds, i'm now helping them develop simple saliva tests for headache, backache, and insomnia. felt bad for the young guy in the group - all the others had quite the laugh at his expense after he idealistically shared his dream of a day when affordable portable CAT scanners might allow folks to determine if they have gas in the convenience of their own homes. one so-called "learned healer" was quite cruel in his suggestion that the young guy go outside and wait for the "hospitalmobile" to come by and check his cranium for the presence of a functioning neocortex. ouch!
MORALITY - went to the library and discovered once again that there's NO morality there. you have to type "ethics" into the computerized card catalog if you want to find a guide to proper behavior. was so worn out from random typing by the time i remembered this, however, that it was all i could do to engage in any kind of behavior, let alone the right kind. i think that's why i ended up driving someone else's car home. doh!
SEX - the paperboy tried to tell me when i paid him for the month that the correct term is "six." as in "that'll be one, two, three, four, five, six extra dollars this month for not throwing your goddamn paper in the bushes, asshole." i said, "i beg your pardon - you mean one, two, three, four, five, sex dollars, don't you?" he said, "no way, jose! buy a stinkin' clue why dontcha and give a poor boy a friggin' break!" i was stunned. i came in and looked it up. i was really stunned. suddenly i know why my carry-out always turns me away when i ask for a sex pack. suddenly it's a mystery to me why john wayne always clutched his six-shooter. suddenly i suspect that "the sixth sense" probably isn't the movie about underage necrophilia that i've been imagining it to be. suddenly i need to remember never to go back to that chinese restaurant where i thought the waiter was coming on to me with his "with sex you get egg roll" line. the horror... the horror....
SHERIFF ERSKINE - the long arm of the law stopped by, and it was hairy. seems i neglected to register as a habitual blatherer with the local speaker's bureau when i moved here 4 years ago. that violates the terms of the pardon i earned when i promised never to give another wedding toast back in 1983. now i have to wear an ankle bracelet which will alert the cops if my foot comes anywhere near my mouth. have already accidentally caused warning lights to flash in cruisers all over the county after challenging jester to a hands-off ear-scratching contest. at least i won the contest, though i messed up a knee joint and the lunch schedules of three deputies in the process. (yin yang example #2, in case you lost count.)
ZENO OF TOLEDO - zeno, of course, was the ohio philosopher who proved that motion is impossible if you happen to be an employee of our state's department of motor vehicles. his famous syllogism: "employees of the dmv are stuck working behind a counter. things that are stuck cannot move. therefore...." i was reminded of him as i lunched on the patio today and the echo of his insane laughter wafted by yet again despite my having taken the precaution this time of lighting our citronella candles before even sitting down. very discombobulating, to say the least, especially when three sheriff's deputies are standing over you with guns drawn and "latent ventriloquist" is stamped right on your rap sheet....
ZINC BUDDHISM - having tried without success for a week now to achieve a state of nirvana by contemplating absolute nothingness, i decided to go with plan b and attempted to settle for that state of extreme boredom wise teachers and miners alike tell me can be reached by contemplating the least interesting metal known to man. alas, i fell asleep before discovering whether or not they are right....
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Such was my day. How was yours??
(©now by ... no, don't tell me... it's right on the tip of my tongue....
...dan birtcher! that's it! umm, sorry - i really did *think* that was my tongue there)