Friday, December 10, 1999
Bad Night With A New Bed Buddy
I bought a new pillow last night. A Dr. Scholl's firm/extra firm polyester-filled pillow which I fell in love with at first hug. It wasn't my plan to go to the store and hug the merchandise when I set out yesterday to buy a Christmas tree, but sometimes things just work out that way. If you're a middle aged man who has ever accidentally found himself in a Porsche dealership at sundown, you know exactly what I mean.
It turns out that it's easy to buy a pillow - far easier than it is to buy a Christmas tree. For one thing, you generally don't have to convince your wife that it'll fit where you want to put it. For another, you generally don't have to argue with a burly clerk about the best way to shove it into your trunk so it doesn't get damaged on the ride home. And of course with a pillow, there's rarely any need to spend a lot of time trying to decide which is the bad side that must be kept facing the wall or mattress as the case may be. If you ever do find yourself spending more than ten minutes contemplating which side of a pillow simply MUST be kept hidden from visitors all the days of its life, you probably really ought to limit your shopping to a better class of garage sale.
Of course I couldn't wait to try out my new pillow last night, and of course
it proved to be a hellish experience. There's simply no way to tell
in a store how any particular pillow is going to behave on the front lines
of Slumberland. Odds are, it's going to be awful. There are
simply too many variables, a single defect in any one of which can prove
Then I remembered we're in the computer age - hurrah! I'll turn to
the Web for comfort and advice.
In Kyoto in the 1970s, a calligrapher delicately
writes a greeting in his daughter's face on her birthday. When she becomes
a woman, the daughter Nagiko remembers the event with excitement and searches
hard to find an ideal calligrapher-lover to use her whole body as his paper.
In Hong Kong she meets Jerome, an English translator who convinces her
that she should be the pen and not the paper - she should write on his
body and he will carry her writing on his skin to a publisher. The plan
works too well. Both lovers become jealous of each other, she of the publisher,
he because she impatiently writes on the bodies of other men. In a bid
to win Nagiko back, Jerome fakes his own suicide which results in his death.
Nagiko grieves, writes a handsome erotic poem on Jerome's corpse and buries
him. The publisher exhumes Jerome's body, and
As if I'm ever gonna be able to sleep again after reading that!
Ok, that's it. I'm tired - even exhausted. I'm going to bed
even though the odds are heavily stacked against me. If you never
hear from me again, tell my lawyer to check safety deposit box #345b at
Bank One in downtown Columbus. There's a feather in there.
A feather from a certain something. A feather with unique DNA.
(All Material Composed Of 80% New Blather, 13% Recycled Trimmings,
And 7% Artificial Wit Hereby ©1999 by Dan Birtcher using a needle and thread)