Tuesday, December 21, 1999

Solstice Caroling

Ok, as I promised everyone at the meeting this afternoon, here are the lyrics to the songs we will be singing tonight as we wander the city, brightening the lives of those unfortunate computerless folks who still think listening to the human voice is a valuable use of their time.  As expected, I didn't have time to Xerox copies of these lyrics, so please just follow along on your Palm Pilots.  Remember: To receive full credit towards fulfillment of your Community Service obligations, you MUST stay with the group the ENTIRE three hours and fourteen minutes we will be caroling, make a REAL effort to open and close your mouth in synch with the rest of us, AND turn your Palm Pilot back into the supplies matron after leaving the paddy wagon but BEFORE submitting to the strip search immediately prior to the midnight lock-down.  Those found still having a Palm Pilot on their person during the search will have 30 days added onto their sentence or be slapped with a $500 fine or both!

Now, let's all take a deep breath and get started before the thought of our balls freezing off in this cold completely spoils the mood.

Solstice Time
(to the tune recently stolen by Christians and renamed "Jingles Bells")

Dashing ‘tween the trees
Naked as a jay
Screaming at the breeze
"Darkness go away!"
Bungs on kegs go "Bing!"
Helping us get tight
What fun it is to chase and kill a scapegoat in the night!

Solstice time!  Solstice time!
The Sun has slipped away
Oh what fun to coax it back with the girls we slay - hey!
Solstice time!  Solstice time!
Blackness threatens day
If magic fails and it wins out
There'll be hell to pay!

Waving torches bright
We dance on snowy hills
Cursing lack of light
And damning all our ills
We fill our mouths with mead
And inhale special smoke
So if dark wins out o'er the Sun
We'll be happy when we croak!

Solstice time!  Solstice time!
A new beginning nears
Oh how good to bash our heads to chase away our fears!
Solstice time!  Solstice time!
We're a mindless swarm
Come summertime we'll bitch and shout "Goddamn but it's too warm!"

Solstice Day
(to the tune a 19th century pickpocket filched for "Silent Night")

Solstice Day
Gloomy day
Sun is dim
Crops are gray
Round yon virgin
Flames leap up high
Chasing our chantings
Deep into sky
Please don't let us free-eeze
Don't let our sorry butts freeze

Dagmar The Big-Boned Virgin
(to the tune today's out of control youngsters evilly refer to as "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer)

There was Isaac and Aztecs and Greek Iphigenia
Volcanos took thousands just in old Oceania
But do you recall
The most famous sacrifice of all?

Dagmar the big-boned virgin
Had a very hairy face
And if you ever heard her
You would swear that she sang bass
All of the other virgins
Used to laugh and call her Hank
They never let poor Dagmar
Wear the magic grease that stank

Then one winter's Solstice eve
Priestess came to say
"Dagmar with your bones so great
Our bonfire must be your fate!"
Then how the others loved her
As they banged a gong with glee
Luring the Sun back once more
With Dagmar on a rotisserie!

Solstice Day Is Coming Right Quick
(to the tune some Tin Pan Alley hack turned into "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" just to make a buck off a sacred pagan hymn)

You better knock wood
You better say mass
You better pray good
You better think fast
Solstice Day is coming right quick!

Summer's long gone
Days have grown short
Everything's wrong
Earth might abort
Solstice Day is coming right quick!

Unless we lure the Sun back
Unless we hurry quick
Night time shall eat our noons
And we'll die or least be sick!


You better burn wood
You better say mass
You better pray good
You bet your sweet ass
Solstice Day is coming right quick!

We Wish You A Merry Solstice
(to the tune of that bastardization known as "We Wish You A Merry Christmas")

We wish you a Merry Solstice
We wish you a Merry Solstice
We wish you a Merry Solstice
And a Happy Orgy!

Young virgins we bring
Dry kindling, too
Fresh virgins we bring
And wine out the wazoo

We wish you a Merry Solstice
We wish you a Merry Solstice
We wish you a Merry Solstice
And a Disease-Free Orgy!

Away In A Cavern
(to the tune of what those who have recently suffered a concussion sometimes groggily refer to as "Away In A Manger")

Away in a cavern
No sun for his sky
The freezing old pagan has tears in his eye
The virgins he slaughtered were to no avail
Now in three states and D.C. he's wanted in jail

Frieda The Priestess
(the holiest song in the entire pagan catalogue, blasphemously known as "Frosty The Snowman" among the morally degenerate)

Frieda the Priestess
Was a broke and dirty hag
With lice and fleas and knobby knees
Her life a real drag

Frieda the Priestess
Was about to call it quits
When the brew that she drank inspired a prank
She could foist on all the shits

There must have been some magic in those berries that she ate
For when she once again woke up
She didn't hesitate

"Solstice: The Horror!"
Is the name she gave her act
As the winter neared and all men feared
Summer's never coming back

Frieda the Priestess
Claimed a hotline to the Sun
Though the wise and the old blew her off as a scold
She mesmerized the young

That old man Sol must have thought her incantations swell
Not only did He hurry back
He brought the Moon as well

Frieda the Priestess
Became rich and quite well-fed
Her cult spread wide and was franchised
And survived her being dead

"Frieda the Priestess
is mad!" they all first raved
Now in every town her church sign's found
"Billions and Billions Saved!"

Bugly-eyed rantings! Bugly-eyed rantings!
Listen to Frieda preach!
Bugly-eyed rantings! Bugly-eyed rantings!
Now she winters in Coco Beach

Kill The Goat
(to the tune small children and idiots think is actually called "Deck The Halls")

Kill the goat with sharpened spears
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la la!
‘Tis the season doomsday nears
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la la!
Don we now our masks of metal
Fa-la-la la-la-la la la la!
Short straw gets you shoved in kettle
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la la!

I Saw Three Kegs
(to the tune drunken sailors know as "I Saw Three Ships")

I saw three kegs be downed by one
On Solstice Day! On Solstice Day!
I saw three kegs be downed by one
On Solstice Day in the morning!

I saw three kegs be spewed right back
On Solstice Day! On Solstice Day!
I saw three kegs be spewed right back
On Solstice Day in the cathouse!

Ok, that's a wrap!  Have a Happy Solstice everyone!  And may the new year find you rehabilitated, reformed, and drug-free lest you find yourself having to pay the price all over again on what may an even colder night next December!

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(All Material ©1999 by Dan Birtcher after breaking the sticks of
a little drummer boy so he could concentrate on what he was doing)