Thursday, December 23, 1999

A Quick Update


     So: It's almost Christmas.  You're busy with shopping, baking, etc., and I'm busy clutching my hands to my ears and humming in an attempt to forget all the damn noise you're making.  That leaves precious little time for reading or writing blather, hence tonight's entry will be on the short side.  In fact, it probably will only come up to your crotch, so be sure you're wearing underwear to avoid the sort of embarrassing situation neither of us will ever be able to sell to Reader's Digest.

     Ok, ok - you're not really making that much noise, and I'm not really clutching my hands to my ears as I type this.  It's just that it's kinda difficult to admit what I'm really busy doing instead, which is, ummmm....

     Maybe if I use a smaller font size, it won't seem so bad.

     Yeah, that's the ticket.  Tonight's entry will be short because I'm busy recovering from having stayed up late last night watching the moon.  You know, the biggest, brightest moon in 133 years or whatever due to its being full AND its being close to the Earth AND the Earth being close to the the sun AND because all the moon people left their porch lights on to protest the recent rash of thefts involving NASA probes to Mars.  Yep, I stayed up all night watching this once-in-a-lifetime space spectacle, only to discover after sunrise that it had been cloudy here in Ohio and I'd actually been staring at a streetlight.  The lack of movement should have tipped me off, but I guess I was too enthralled by the magic of it all to notice.  Anyway, this morning I wrote to my township trustees asking that they add a tiny Neil Armstrong footprint to the bulb so as to complete the illusion and make it all a little less embarrassing for me when I admit my mistake to my friends.  

     There.  That wasn't so bad.  Maybe someday I'll confess to how I wasted the first 39 years of my life.

     But not tonight.

     Tonight I need to hurry back to my computer war game.  I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but I'm quite addicted.  SSI is my favorite maker of these games ("SSI" standing for Strategic Simulations, Inc. if the box the games come in can be believed) and the one I'm playing now is the best I've found yet.  It's called "World War II - Pacifist Edition."  My task: To shame the Nazis into surrendering Fortress Europe through letter writing campaigns, boycotts of German products, candlelight vigils, even convincing my wife and children to sit down in front of whole Panzer divisions if need be.  So far I've managed to get Goring to keep his dive bombers away from a single card shop in Gdansk.  That's a personal best!  And it gives me hope that someday I just might qualify for the annual "Pacifist Edition" tournament in Las Vegas where contestants from all over the world engage in a race to see who can be the first to convince organized crime to get out of town using non-violence, moral suasion, and multi-cultural hand puppets.

     Hope your evening proves to be as exciting!

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(©1999 by Dan Birtcher after Gandhi-style methods failed to convince the 
US Government to grant him a patent for this mess)