Monday, December 27, 1999

Welcome, Newbies!


     If you're a regular reader of this journal, you know just how worthless it is.  You're excused.  Today's entry is directed at all those people who got a new PC for Christmas, hurried to get on the Internet, and have somehow ended up here.  It's an entry specially fortified with worthfulness - the sort of worthfulness that just might help them fend off disillusionment with this whole sorry system for one more day.  
     Having already tried their patience and their faith in humanity with my home page, I feel it's really the least I can do.

     So:  Hello, Newbies!  And welcome to the wonderful world of on-line journals!  My name is Dan and tonight I'd like to share some of the most important things I've learned in the nearly 3 years I've been "surfin' the Web."  I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart, so please - no tipping!

     Without a doubt, mastering the unique lingo of us webizens is essential to your getting the most out of the Internet experience, so helping you do that is where I'd like to focus my attention tonight.  Ready?  Let's get started!

     Whether you prefer "chat" rooms, "e" mail, or "instant"  "messaging" "systems" like "I" "C" "Q", you're sure to encounter quite a few abbreviations that can leave even long-time residents of "cyber space" puzzled, confused, and "downloaded".  Without further ado, here is a guide to some of the more common of these "new-fangled whicheedoos":

AFK - Away From Keyboard.  That's the official definition, anyway.  It actually means "I want you to think I'm away from my computer so I can see what all you people are saying about me when I'm not around."  Alternatively, it can mean "My spouse has finally dragged me back to reality - HELP!"

BRB - Be Right Back.  That is, "If I don't find anyone on-line who fulfills my current needs better than you do, guess we're stuck with each other for a while longer."

BTW - By The Way.  Or, "Now that your defenses are down after an hour of pointless chatter, here's the bombshell I've been wanting to drop on you for days." 

FYI - For Your Information.  Meaning, "If you weren't such a dumbass, you'd already know this."

IMO - In My Opinion.  Or, "Yes, I'm actually trying to pass off this tired old idea I read in The National Enquirer as my own invention."

IMHO - In My Humble Opinion.  Or, "If you disagree with me, I won't take it personally - I'll just never waste my time talking to you again."

LOL - Laughing Out Loud.  In other words, "I'm pretending to find you amusing because I'm still laboring under the delusion you might actually have sex with me someday."

ROFLMAO - Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off.  Or, "I'm pretending to find you really, really amusing because I really, really want to have sex with you someday soon."

TTYL - Talk To You Later.  "Now that you have my email address, I guess I have to be minimally polite to avoid turning you into a cyber stalker, huh?" 

TTFN - Ta Ta For Now.  "I'm tired of making fun of your lame chat room performance in the private messages I've been sending to the others in the room ever since you got here.  If you ever see me again, it'll only be because I forgot to change my nickname."

WB - Welcome Back.  "There's still a chance we might have sex - right?"

     There's more I could tell you - much, much more - but I realize there's only so much a newbie can absorb at once.  And I also realize that if I pack any more worthfulness into this entry, any long-time reader who sees it will probably drop dead from the shock.
     So, in conclusion: Welcome to the wonderful world of on-line journals, where secrets are revealed daily with a casualness which belies their authenticity and true wisdom can be gleaned provided you aren't afraid to get your eyes dirty.

Back To The Sort Of Worthless Entry 
You've Come To Expect


Forward To The Sort Of Worthless Entry
That Prevented Time Magazine From Naming
Me Their Man Of The Century

(All Material ©1999 by Dan Birtcher with one-half of his brain tied behind his back)