FULL NAME: Dan "Mad Mammal" Birtcher
SEX: Young lesbian trapped in an aging man's body
LIVING ARRANGEMENT: A tiny skull full of used, clashing furnishings
DESIRED LIVING ARRANGEMENT:  Womb with a view
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OUIJA BOARDS?  I think they're an interesting idea but my local building code demands wooden ones for new construction  

YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? "Who Wants To Commit Bigamy With An Unemployed Jester?"
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?  Deep ruts left by the rubber feet on the bottom of the base unit of my trackball   
FAVORITE GAME:  "Surrealist Jeopardy!"  Contestants are given the answers and expected to come up with the correct surgical instrument.
FAVORITE MAGAZINE:  "U.S. Spews and World Retorts"
FAVORITE SMELLS:  The delicate fragrance released in the early spring by the first blossoms in my secret grove of money trees   
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:  Having a kerosene lamp explode in your face while being skinned alive by the pilot of a plane who left the controls to come back to see if there was any way to stop you from continuing to scream about your stomach flu, and now the plane is spiraling out of control as a result.  I really hate that.
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD:  Finally remembering that the door to the phone booth I'm in opens inward. 
FAVORITE CD:  "Great American Train Wrecks, Vol. 16" 
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS?  Yes, it's a traditional birthday gift in my family 
 

ROLLER COASTERS-SCARY OR EXCITING?  Exciting when I realize the nearest one is many miles away; scary when I realize I'm the doctor who's having to perform the emergency appendectomy in the third car. 
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?  Ha - you can't fool me.  The exact same number as there are after I answer the phone!   

FUTURE SON'S NAME:  Whoops Junior
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME:  Respectable  (just because I promised my grandfather on his deathbed that one day there really would be another Respectable Birtcher in the family)  
FAVORITE FOODS:  Whatever shuts up the screaming brat at the table next to mine at a restaurant     

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?  I'm an equal opportunity consumer who makes his choice strictly on the basis of an individual flavor's willingness to sleep with me  
FAVORITE ICE CREAM:  Which one is for stricter gun control again? 
CROUTONS OR BACON BITS:  Neither - I'm a vegetarian
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE?  Depends who's asking to be driven
DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?  Why?  What have they been telling you?!  Damn, I should have known better than to believe them when they said they only talked to me!!  

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR: Parked

IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE? ALIVE, I guess.  Though I've never met either, ALIVE sounds like more fun - I'm not sure why.

FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK:  That one Buddha bought for me after I punched out Confucius

WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Three quick knocks, then a tap
WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE POET?  That guy who wrote "Close Cover Before Striking"  - a charming mix of tender sensitivity and raw animal power.
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? 
Well... sometimes I let the broccoli put its stems into my mouth... but I never, ever swallow.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?  Nomadic elevator operator; freelance Pope; or virgin shepherd  
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?  Ultra-violet

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?  Damn, what wild tales HAVE those stuffed animals been telling you?!    
WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?  A life-size, photographic reproduction of my floor (I got tired of having to look down all the time to see it)   

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?  Glass?  You have a glass?  All I have is this little specimen bottle they told me to fill myself.
FAVORITE MOVIE:  One time I was watching a movie in college and the film got stuck in the projector and then melted, filling the screen with the coolest, most unexpected images.  Can that count?    
ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY OR AMBIDEXTROUS?  YOU tell ME, you pervert!  (SLAP!)
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Eventually

IF YOU COULD BE ONE GARDENING TOOL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?  An unrepentant rake
FAVORITE SPORT:  Republican Demolition Derby  
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: This is one entry THEY can take the blame for 

PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND:  Confucius.  I did punch him out, after all 

PERSON MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Me.  But then it's pretty obvious that I love to hear myself talk, isn't it?

FULL NAME: Daniel James Birtcher
SEX: Male
LIVING ARRANGEMENT: 2 bedroom, 1 cat house with detached garage on 3/4 acre lot just outside a west central Ohio town of 45,000
DESIRED LIVING ARRANGEMENT:  Self-designed house overlooking a peaceable kingdom complete with Dairy Queen in the distance
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OUIJA BOARDS?  Anything that keeps the crazies off the streets is fine by me  

YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? "The West Wing" (though NOT the episode about capital punishment); "The Prisoner"; "The Twilight Zone"; "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"; Ernie Kovacs; "Hill Street Blues"
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?  Nothing - I really do have a Kensington 4-button trackball
FAVORITE GAME:  Chess; "Civilization"-style simulations; war games with pretty-colored tanks and/or ships 
FAVORITE MAGAZINES: Brill's Content; The Skeptical Inquirer; Scientific American
FAVORITE SMELLS: Cinnamon; autumn leaves; the female body

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:  Seasickness while on a boat I know is going to be stuck in rough seas for hours and hours to come.  Not that panic attacks induced by high cliffs and low railings are exactly fun....
 
 

BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD:  Making love to a long-lost loved one

FAVORITE CD: Hooverphonic's "Blue Wonder Power Milk"

DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS?  Alas, yes....

ROLLER COASTERS-SCARY OR EXCITING?  Exciting to watch, too scary to ride.  Once was enough.  In fact, half was enough, but.... 
 

HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Two - if I'm inclined to answer at all, which is rare
 

FUTURE SON'S NAME:  I was sure once it would be Barnabas.  Now I just laugh at the very idea of bringing another suffering creature into being. 
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME: See above.

FAVORITE FOODS:  Chocolate; salmon; broccoli (yes, that broccoli)  
 

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Chocolate
FAVORITE ICE CREAM: Vanilla with hot fudge and cashews
 
 

CROUTONS OR BACON BITS: Neither

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE? Only when there's no one else on the road within 5 miles of me

DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS? I wish....
 
 

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR: I'm still waiting for someone to give me my first car
 

IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?  The person who'd be most excited to meet me 

FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Tom Collins; Whiskey Sour
 

WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Pisces

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE POET? I've always liked Shelley's "Ozymandias" and Stephen Crane's "A Man Said To The Universe."  Leopardi, too.
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Only when cooked very tender
 

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE? It's not a job if you really want to do it, is it?

IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?  I'd just be happy to have  hair I didn't have to have cut again  
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Who hasn't?  Is this a trick question?

WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? White paint; postcards; and a giant photo of a chocolate chip cookie (unsigned)
 

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?  My glass contains 50% air and 50% H2O.  It's probably polluted air and contaminated water, but it's all the same when one turns out the lights, isn't it?
FAVORITE MOVIE: "Dr. Strangelove"  
 
 

ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY OR AMBIDEXTROUS? Righty

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?  No.  I actually do most of my typing with a stylus in my right hand.  Isn't is obvious?
IF YOU COULD BE ONE GARDENING TOOL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?  The one left hanging in the shed while Nature is allowed to take its course
FAVORITE SPORT:  None
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU:  They'll probably never read this page.  How I envy their good fortune! 

PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: I don't forward nonsensical surveys like this.  After all, if I don't forward nonsense like this, people can't confirm my suspicion that they actually prefer it to my own original nonsense.  Devious lit'l bastard, ain't I?