16 Things I've Never Said
To Billy Joel
(Or Anybody Else)
1. "If you're not going
to eat all your lint, can I have it?"
2. "So what are Christie
Brinkley's elbows really like?"
3. "Too bad the core
temperature of the sun is over 15,000,000 degrees Celsius instead of just
under 14,000,000 degrees Celsius."
4. "Shoes ought to
come with spare soles strapped to the heels."
5. "Yeah, well, that
Chinese Water Torture thing never won many Grammys, either, and it's been
around far longer than you have."
6. "Dang, my apple
tree needs another series of distemper shots."
7. "War is just another
name for uncontrolled dandruff."
8. "When you get right
down to it, what do Americans really know about Allentown, Iran,
9. "Moth populations
increase when wide ties are in fashion - coincidence? I don't think
10. "Well, doctor,
I've been having these odd urges to go out into the countryside with a
large caliber pencil and round off every infinity I see to an even, understandable
11. "You know, The
Wizard of Oz would have been a much better movie had the Tin Man been
melted down and recast as the Piano Man."
12. "The time I spent
in school dragged because my local board of education could only afford
to buy clocks with ticks much shorter than their tocks."
13. "Call me crazy,
but I for one really loved Christie's keyboard work on Silly Love Songs."
14. "If I put this
pebble in an account with your bank, how many years will it be before you
give me a boulder back?"
15. "Did you hear
that Rand McNally has offered a billion dollars to the Marx Brothers if
they reunite as Groucho, Harpo, and Encino?"
16. "Listen to me!
If you're really serious about capturing the hearts and minds of the baby
boomers, you'll rename your stupid little cover version Escalator to