Shelley Berman Day, Fibucetera 3, 40 A.B.


     Ok, the bad news is that my cat, Jester, was right.  It wasn't my foot that got stuck in the earthpig hole yesterday - it really was my ego.  
     The worse news is that I had to gnaw off the swollen part of it that was really wedged in there in order to get away from the bright lights and the mocking laughter of the media people.
     The good news is that that part has already grown back.  In fact, the whole affair seems to have perversely stimulated my ego to grow to double its previous size.
     Which is why I'm now thinking of running for president.
     Hey, I'm allowed.  I'm over 35.  I was born in this country.  I'm willing to do the bidding of my biggest contributors.  And I'm a big dumb white guy with enough skeletons in my closet to keep the tabloids and the investigative committees of Congress in business for years.
     Why I haven't been some party's nominee long before now is a profound mystery....

     Anyway, I thought I'd test the waters today by holding a news conference to announce that I'm thinking about announcing that I'm toying with the idea of appointing Jester, Hans, and Sylvia to an exploratory committee designed to justify whatever decision I finally decide to make.  
     Any questions?

     Question:  Yes.  In yesterday's entry you misspelled "Punxatawney" by leaving the first "n" out.  Doesn't this make you unqualified to be president?
     Answer:  No.  Misspellings are the triumph of individual self-delusion over mass psychosis, and if there's one that that America stands for, it's that.  
     If elected president, I promise to stand up to the educational special interests which have imposed their narrow view of language and expression on the rest of us dreamers lost in our own little worlds for far too long.  And you can quoote me on that.

     Question:  Sir, is it true that you only came to that position after polls revealed most people wouldn't accept the claim that your mistake yesterday was a typo? 
     Answer:  Nothing could be further from the truth.  The fact is, I wish it had been a typo.  My typos, after all, indicate a basic mismatch between my fingers and the universe.  Can a president with fingers out of step with the rest of reality seriously consider picking the pockets of the taxpayer or pushing the nuclear button?  Of course not.  That's why I embrace the many typos I make.  That why I actually jump up and down and toot a party horn every single time I make one.  If you ask me, we've had far too many presidents whose fingers and the universe have been entirely too much in synch, if you know what I mean.  I think it's time we tried another approach - don't you? 

     Question:  Is it true you had to have your wife's assistance getting dressed today?
     Answer:  Yes, but only because I forgot the password to my underwear.
     Follow-up Question:  Your underwear is password protected?
     Answer:  Yes indeed.  And had Bill Clinton's been, too, he might now be looking forward to a third term.

     Question:  Sir, did you recently tell a nasty ethnic joke?
     Answer: All I basically did was ask a friend if he could tell me why few Eskimos are Jehovah's Witnesses.
     Follow-up Question:  Why?
     Answer:  I've been trying to understand all our nation's people better.
     Follow-up Question:  And did you succeed in finding out why few Eskimos are Jehovah's Witnesses?
     Answer:  Yes.  Turns out it's because few igloos have doorbells.

     Question:  Speaking of religion, do you believe in reincarnation?
     Answer:  I did in a previous life but it's something I've since outgrown several times over. 

     Question:  Sir, do you support every women's right to have an abortion?
     Answer:  No.  I think that right should and must be restricted to pregnant women.  And I think it's high time that Medicare stop paying for non-pregnant women over 65 to have an abortion wherever and whenever they feel like it.  The laws of biology simply don't allow that, and I don't think federal law should, either.  
     Follow-up Question:  So if I happen to be an 85 year old woman in a nursing home, what you're really saying to me is...?
     Answer:  If you don't have anything better to do with your time than engage in recreational termination of non-existent pregnancies, you'll just have to pay for your absurd little pastime yourself.  

     Question:  Sir, I'm sure you've heard it said that guns don't kill people - people kill people.  What do you think?
     Answer:  I think people with guns kill people.  Now some time ago, we adopted an amendment to the Constitution that forbids the sale of people.  Turns out that despite that, people with guns are still killing people.  I think we owe it to ourselves to adopt an amendment which forbids the sale of guns and see if that works a bit better.  If Congress and the states refuse to go along, fine - I'll sign an executive order forbidding people from becoming gunshot victims, but I'd honestly prefer not to have to do that.  I've been told more than once that gunshot victims belong in a hospital, not prison, but if criminalizing a medical problem can lead to its solution, why not?  It's worked so well with drug addiction, after all.

     Question:  Sir, it's been said by some that candidate Bush might not have the intellect to be president - that there are whole areas of the world and even his own past which he apparently has no knowledge of whatsoever.  To prevent the same from being said about you, could you please tell us what the last thing might have been that you've completely forgotten forever?
     Answer:  I'm afraid I'll have to review my "To Do" calendar for yesterday and get back with you.

     Question:  Sir, the boys who have been watching this back in the press room have just passed me a note saying that you seem to still be too wet behind the ears to be president.  How do you respond?
     Answer:  That's nothing.  Unless photos, film, and videotape lie, some of our greatest presidents have still been wet under the arms.

     Heck, this is too easy by half.  Maybe I ought to set a real challenge for myself and start checking to see if I have what it takes to be First Lady....

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(©Now and Now and Now and Now 
by the marginally obsessive-compulsive Dan Birtcher)