Ok, the bad news is that my cat, Jester, was right. It wasn't my
foot that got stuck in the earthpig hole yesterday - it really was
The worse news is that I had to gnaw off the swollen part of it that was
really wedged in there in order to get away from the bright lights and
the mocking laughter of the media people.
The good news is that that part has already grown back. In fact,
the whole affair seems to have perversely stimulated my ego to grow to
double its previous size.
Which is why I'm now thinking of running for president.
Hey, I'm allowed. I'm over 35. I was born in this country.
I'm willing to do the bidding of my biggest contributors. And
I'm a big dumb white guy with enough skeletons in my closet to keep the
tabloids and the investigative committees of Congress in business for years.
Why I haven't been some party's nominee long before now is a profound mystery....
Anyway, I thought I'd test the waters today by holding a news conference
to announce that I'm thinking about announcing that I'm toying with the
idea of appointing Jester, Hans, and Sylvia to an exploratory committee
designed to justify whatever decision I finally decide to make.
Question: Yes. In yesterday's entry you misspelled "Punxatawney"
by leaving the first "n" out. Doesn't this make you unqualified to
Answer: No. Misspellings are the triumph of individual
self-delusion over mass psychosis, and if there's one that that America
stands for, it's that.
If elected president, I promise to stand up to the educational special
interests which have imposed their narrow view of language and expression
on the rest of us dreamers lost in our own little worlds for far too long.
And you can quoote me on that.
Question: Sir, is it true that you only came to that position
after polls revealed most people wouldn't accept the claim that your mistake
yesterday was a typo?
Answer: Nothing could be further from the truth. The
fact is, I wish it had been a typo. My typos, after all, indicate
a basic mismatch between my fingers and the universe. Can a president
with fingers out of step with the rest of reality seriously consider picking
the pockets of the taxpayer or pushing the nuclear button? Of course
not. That's why I embrace the many typos I make. That
why I actually jump up and down and toot a party horn every single time
I make one. If you ask me, we've had far too many presidents whose
fingers and the universe have been entirely too much in synch, if you know
what I mean. I think it's time we tried another approach - don't
Question: Is it true you had to have your wife's assistance
getting dressed today?
Answer: Yes, but only because I forgot the password to my
Follow-up Question: Your underwear is password protected?
Answer: Yes indeed. And had Bill Clinton's been, too,
he might now be looking forward to a third term.
Question: Sir, did you recently tell a nasty ethnic joke?
Answer: All I basically did was ask a friend if he could tell me
why few Eskimos are Jehovah's Witnesses.
Follow-up Question: Why?
Answer: I've been trying to understand all our nation's people
Follow-up Question: And did you succeed in finding out why
few Eskimos are Jehovah's Witnesses?
Answer: Yes. Turns out it's because few igloos have
Question: Speaking of religion, do you believe in reincarnation?
Answer: I did in a previous life but it's something I've since
outgrown several times over.
Question: Sir, do you support every women's right to have
Answer: No. I think that right should and must be
restricted to pregnant women. And I think it's high time that Medicare
stop paying for non-pregnant women over 65 to have an abortion wherever
and whenever they feel like it. The laws of biology simply don't
allow that, and I don't think federal law should, either.
Follow-up Question: So if I happen to be an 85 year old woman
in a nursing home, what you're really saying to me is...?
Answer: If you don't have anything better to do with your
time than engage in recreational termination of non-existent pregnancies,
you'll just have to pay for your absurd little pastime yourself.
Question: Sir, I'm sure you've heard it said that guns don't
kill people - people kill people. What do you think?
Answer: I think people with guns kill people. Now some
time ago, we adopted an amendment to the Constitution that forbids the
sale of people. Turns out that despite that, people with guns are
still killing people. I think we owe it to ourselves to adopt an
amendment which forbids the sale of guns and see if that works a bit better.
If Congress and the states refuse to go along, fine - I'll sign an executive
order forbidding people from becoming gunshot victims, but I'd honestly
prefer not to have to do that. I've been told more than once that
gunshot victims belong in a hospital, not prison, but if criminalizing
a medical problem can lead to its solution, why not? It's worked
so well with drug addiction, after all.
Question: Sir, it's been said by some that candidate Bush
might not have the intellect to be president - that there are whole areas
of the world and even his own past which he apparently has no knowledge
of whatsoever. To prevent the same from being said about you, could
you please tell us what the last thing might have been that you've completely
Answer: I'm afraid I'll have to review my "To Do" calendar
for yesterday and get back with you.
Question: Sir, the boys who have been watching this back in the
press room have just passed me a note saying that you seem to still be
too wet behind the ears to be president. How do you respond?
Answer: That's nothing. Unless photos, film, and videotape
lie, some of our greatest presidents have still been wet under the arms.
Heck, this is too easy by half. Maybe I ought to set a real challenge
for myself and start checking to see if I have what it takes to be First
Back To The Earthpig Day Entry
That Brought A Tear Of Joy To
Of My Hand-Carved Woodchuck
Forward To Another Dispatch From
The Front Lines Of The Battle
To Be Me
(©Now and Now and Now and Now
by the marginally obsessive-compulsive