Issuesday, Jesterary 11, 40 A.B.

"If you think I'm slow making my bed, 
try waiting for the forces of nature to do it!"

- The plausibly witty comeback I finally came up 
with this morning, only 33 years too late

     Things are just never what they seem or what they should be, are they? 
     By the time we have the knowledge we need to put our youth to good use, our youth is long gone.
     By the time we've accumulated enough assets to enjoy life, we've probably forgotten how.
     Well, enough of that.  From now on when I buy a lottery ticket and they ask if I want a lump sum cash award or annual payments if I win, I'm telling 'em neither. 
     I want the equivalent in Legos.

     That's just one of the changes I'm making in my life in an attempt to restore some order and balance to the universe.
     I'm also writing letters to The Powers That Be urging them to change the definitions of Zonulin and Zot.
     Sound like the names of two comic book heroes, don't they?  Well, they sure did to me as I read about this dynamic duo in Yahoo's Health News section today.  How disappointing to find out that they're actually the name of two proteins which are involved in the absorption of substances in the intestine and maybe - just maybe - they decide which chemicals get past the blood-brain barrier.
     At the very least, I hope that the Powers That Be will convince Marvel to issue a comic book documenting their exploits.
     "To the brain stem, Zot!  Seems Mean Mr. Meningitis is at it again!"
     "Just as soon as I force Sir Cilia to absorb all his glucose, Zonulin!"
     Watch out, Pokémon - your days at the top of the fad heap are nearing their end.

     Those letters written, I am now on the verge of tearing out a few walls - just to see if I'm as lucky as Mike Wieczorek.
     Mr. Wieczorek is a resident of Fremont, Ohio who recently started remodeling his house and discovered it had been built around an intact 1901 rail coach.
     How cool is that??
     All my life I've wondered about what may be lurking in the walls around me.  Long forgotten caches of stolen gold.  Unknown species of roses.  Hastily hidden inflatable dolls.
     Are you sure you know what's behind your innocent-looking drywall?
     Let's make a date to swing our sledgehammers together!

     Turning philosophical for a minute...  Have you ever wondered why picking your eyes hurts so much more than picking your nose does? 
     I think I finally figured it out last night.
     It's important for all hominids to be able to detect odors clearly and cleanly, but we depression-prone  humans are better off seeing the world through a thin veil of mucus.
     It makes sense once you realize that our species spent millions of years evolving in an environment utterly lacking in one-hour rose-tinged glasses shops.

     And now that I'm warmed up...
     What's the deal with breakfast in bed?  Whoever decided that this was something fun, relaxing, or remotely enjoyable?
     "Honey, would you mind wringing a bit more spilled cream out of your pillowcase for my coffee?"
     "If you'll rub a corner of the butter-smeared blankets on my toast for me, Darling."
     Why not just sleep in another hour or so and then have brunch in the bathtub?
     Heck, why not fast all day so you'll enjoy your dinner in the crawl space that much more?
     And people have the nerve to make fun of my penchant for picnicking on turnpike medians....

     Speaking of people....
     More than a thousand people in the United States died from the flu between Christmas and New Year's Day.
     A thousand people.
     And yet we're worried about terrorist bombs and high school kids with guns??
     Seems to me we've been led astray by the media once again.
     Instead of increased border patrols and metal detectors in schools, what we really need are a few customs agents who know how to frisk people for the sniffles and an undercover dog in every class capable of sniffing out that cougher in the back of the room.

     That's all.
     Just a few more recommendations for bringing our beliefs, our actions, and objective reality a bit closer together that I felt I had to share.
     Until I have something interesting to write about, the least I can do is be helpful.

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(©Now and Forever by Connie Chung, sitting in tonight for Dan Birtcher)