Humpday, Jesterary 12, 40 A.B.

"Those who talk about the future are scoundrels.
It is the present that matters."

- Louis Ferdinand Céline


     Five days ago I entombed my memories of the 1990s here.  I thought that would be the end of it, that I was at last rid of them and free to go on with my life, but no.  Unique characteristics of the last decade have continued to flood my mind the way a single small toilet can flood an entire tenement building given a stubborn enough clog and a child who loves to flush.
     It is not my intention to try to sop up any more of the mess of the last ten years with yet another entry.  Clearly it didn't work before and trying again would be a sign of bad breeding.  Just because I am in fact the result of bad breeding is no reason I have to give yet another sign of it, after all. 
     If you're really in the mood to wallow in the muck, however, who am I to deny you the opportunity?  Click here.  Just be sure to wipe your feet and wash your hands before hitting the back button.
     What I really want to record here tonight is the fact that at some point the flood of '90s memories assailing me... changed.  Transformed.  Transmogrified. 
     Umm, how can I put this?
     All of a sudden I was no longer remembering the 1990s but the future.
     It's as if my fevered brain overshot the runway, so to speak, and was plowing through the grass of fields yet to be.
     It took me some time to become aware of what was actually happening.  It all seemed so much like a continuing stream of memories that it wasn't until I was writing things down that I realized that the next ten years were unfolding in my mind with far more clarity than the prophecies of the oracle at Delphi, the Bible, or Nostradamus.
     Here's just a few of the things I glimpsed as they whizzed by me at warp speed:

     Valedictorians auctioning off portions of their commencement addresses to Coke, Ford, Microsoft, and Tampax.  Personalized laugh tracks and background music generators.  "Virtual secession."  Artificial humility.  Tranquels - sequels in which all the conflict and tension was resolved in the original flick.  Edible radios.  Soft PCs.  Electronic pocket applauders for use at concerts and other places where ritualistic expressions of appreciation are expected.  Beer Piks replacing Water Piks.  Hurricane Booty.  Viral Methodism.  HDBVDs - high definition underwear so realistic, you can feel it with your eyes.  Rub-on bruises.  E-theater - a kubuki-derived performance art combining stylized phrasing and email.  Zoomobiles.  Cable refrigeration.  Hot musical acts with the names "Sonic Eclipse" and "Doomsday Afternoon" and "Troglodyte Twitterers."  Paradigm sifting.  Front door answering machines which allow doorbell ringers to leave a message if you can't answer just then.  Odor Spewers - the practical joker's alternative to Odor Eaters.  Rent-to-Lend stores which allow folks to obtain high quality possessions merely so they can lend them to their neighbors in a shameless attempt to boost their status.  Ashless cigarettes.  Recreational surgery.  Wood grain fish - a genetically engineered tropical fish tank resident that looks as if it was carved out of a dowel rod and brought to life.  Anti-bacterial cameras being sold to people who believe that photography captures the soul but can be talked into believing that special film has been developed that will just capture the souls of the nasty bacteria living on their bodies.  Chewy water.  Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical version of the Manson murders.  Conscience bypass operations.  Blinkography.  Micro-blinds - the successor to mini-blinds as scientists figure out how to squeeze more than a million louvers into the space of a single standard window.  "Mentholated extinction" - the dismissive term environmentalists will come to use for plans to extend the projected livespans of endangered species but not to safeguard them in perpetuity.  Stainless cotton.  E-marriage - commuter marriages with no time in them for the commute.  Midnight golf - a cultural outgrowth of more and more Wiccans entering upper management positions.  Chastity suspenders.  Self-cleaning drains.  Knee-jerk powered TVs.  Sockey - soccer played on a hockey rink.  Viagra patches.  Night vision opera glasses.  Adult sand boxes.  Downloadable luck.  Triangular towels and rags.  Dats and cogs - genetic crosses between dogs and cats.  Pre-shrunk belief systems.  Golden beef patties.  Coffee drops - concentrated liquid coffee we'll put in cups of hot water to save the time and energy previously wasted on coffee makers.  Irradiated cadavers and Ziploc-brand funerals.  The noun-free novel.  Freezabilitation - the practice of using long thin needles and liquid hydrogen to freeze or "rehabilitate" the area of the brain responsible for a convicted criminal's illegal actions.  McCaviar. 

     On and on the visions went, exactly as if I had already lived through each and every one.
     It was really the most incredible experience in my life.
     Utterly amazing.
     Thoroughly mind-blowing.
     And if only each vision hadn't been marred by distractive banner ads, I just might have gleaned enough info to get rich....            


Back To The Present


Forward To Yet Another Present


(©Now by Dan Birtcher while his wife sleeps on in blissful ignorance)