|Ventday, Jesterary 20, 40
Dear CBS News:
night you ran a story about how cases of asthma in the U.S. are on the
rise due to mold, dust mites, and pets. Today I read in the paper
that cases of asthma are on the rise in the U.S. due to mold, dust mites,
P.S. - Just in case someone gives me a pet cockroach, do you have any idea where I might be able to find a leash small enough to use on our walks?
Dear Sigmund Freud:
book I just finished reading says that you came up with the idea that all
the great scientific revolutions had the effect of humiliating or dethroning
Man. You know, you supposedly said that first came the Copernican
revolution, which knocked us from the center of the universe; then came
the Darwinian revolution, which REALLY kicked the shit out of the notion
that we're special; and then finally you said your own theories took us
down a final peg by revealing that our lives, beliefs and actions are controlled
by brain activities we're not even conscious of. Do you remember
this or have you repressed it?
Dear Ally McBeal:
already!! There's more to life than sex and men, ya know. Try
reading a book. Going to the movies. Collecting Hummels.
Rescuing a cat from your local animal shelter. Chatting online.
Taking a course. Masturbating. Buying a CD with music on it
from a decade more recent than the '70s. Eating. Or, hey -
if you REALLY wanna forget your troubles fast - how about doing some pro
bono work for people with REAL problems? In fact, I think I myself
might be in need of some free legal advice once David Kelley listens to
the slanderous message I left for him on his machine.
Daniel J. Birtcher
P.S. - Call before midnight tonight and win a FREE preview of the dancing baby impersonation I've spent the last 3 years perfecting!
Dear Mother Nature -
the deal with the food chain? Were you on drugs when you came up
with the idea of predator and prey or WHAT?!?!
One Of Those Humans
P.S. - Please don't track me down and make me incontinent or anything for writing this. Thanks.
Dear Enid Schildkrout, curator of the "Body Art: Marks of Identity" show now at the American Museum of Natural History in New York:
were recently quoted in Newsweek as saying "Everybody does something to
their bodies to communicate who they are. Even if just to comb their
Dear Xerox Corp:
recently fired 40 employees for using their work computers to visit Web
porn sites. Some of them even used those computers to download porn
videos and thereby choked your entire network!
Dear Yale Language Department:
had a dream. In it, a terrible forest fire in a poor, Third World
country was miraculously extinguished by a sudden monsoon. The natives
in my dream called this monsoon "Hav Patsu." Could you tell me what
language that may have been? I'd like to ask the people if they need
any supplies when I go to bed tonight but I simply don't know how.
Dr. Birtcher, Honorary Emeritus
To The Editor of the Toledo Blade:
Last Monday you ran a story with the following headline in your World News section on page 2 -
Prince William Warms Up To Barmaid On Trip
It was the story which said that a certain 17-year-old British lad wrapped
his arms around a 22-year-old blonde Norwegian woman and danced the night
away while on a recent ski trip with friends. Ring a bell?
You also reported that he told Annaliese (the Norwegian blonde) that she
was "absolutely gorgeous."
recently come to my attention that scientists have undertaken the arduous
task of documenting every life form that can be found in Great Smoky Mountains
National Park. Incredibly, no area of the earth bigger than a back
yard has EVER been explored like this.
Dan - I mean, Amy Birtcher
(©Now by Me)