Grabbagday, Jesterary 26, 40 A.B.

"It is ill mannered to silence a fool, 
and cruelty to let him go on."

- Ben Franklin


     Yeah, sometimes I like to open with a quote that has no connection whatsoever to me or this journal.  
     Fortunately, it's my only fault.

Why I Wish I Was A Canadian (Part 1)  

     DATELINE WINNIPEG - Donna Kormilo, principal of the Gimli Early Middle School in Gimli, just north of Winnipeg, said yesterday that her students have been told to stop hugging and resort to alternatives such as patting on the back, shaking hands, or giving "high-fives."  Hugging in the hallways, she said, was getting out of hand.

     Influenza continues to spread.  England, Denmark, Florida, Georgia, Arizona, Toledo - the list of places with over-active microbes gets longer every day.  
     I have yet to get sick - which is too bad.  Although I'll pass on the nasty stomach flu (thanks for asking), the standard upper respiratory cold and flu thing is always a treat.  It allows me to do what I always do (stay home, drink a lot, complain, experiment with various over-the-counter medications, spend the afternoon in bed) and yet get sympathy from others instead of the usual grunts and lectures.
     Thank goodness I remembered to order a lot of red blush and artificial snot back in October just in case I end up having to fake it in order to get my share of TLC.

     Special Section For My Japanese Readers

     Did you hear that Weight Watchers has just come out with a substitute for the pinto bean called the Shinto bean?  You don't eat them - you just worship the plants that they came from.

     Two days after the Iowa caucuses and you say you're as wracked with nostalgia for those good old days of last weekend as badly as I am?  Say no more.  Simply click here to read about one man's recent attempt to infiltrate Gary Bauer's Des Moines campaign headquarters in order to give him the flu.

 Why I Wish I Was A Canadian (Part 2) 

     DATELINE OTTAWA - Reform Member of Parliament John Williams says that the Canadian government should not have given nearly $200,000 in the last four years to Montreal publisher Edimag, a company  which appears to have used the money to put out such books as How to Communicate with the Dead, How to Stimulate the G-Spot, and How to Understand and Enjoy an Orgasm. Canadian Heritage Minister Sheila Copps defended the subsidies as a means to keep the Canadian book industry healthy and independent, but did concede that a $68,000 grant to Edimag for a dumb-blonde joke book probably wasn't the smartest thing her ministry had ever done.    

     Did I sound a bit preoccupied with mere physical appearances in my entry yesterday?
     Well, consider this: In 1596 Queen Elizabeth I of England ordered all unseemly portraits of herself confiscated and destroyed. 
     Seems some people just can't handle absolute power as well as I can.
     Even though I've been diagnosed as having a permanent case of PMS myself.


     Tired of going outside and feeling the warmth of your body slowly being sucked away by the cold January air and those bitter north winds?  Do what I do: Always put your hat, coat, and gloves in the freezer a few minutes before you leave home to speed things up.  

And Now A Special Edition of The Dictionary Game to Contemplate While Waiting For Hypothermia to Set In:

The word is ptosis.  The most nearly correct definition is:  

1.  Foul-smelling saliva, usually indicative of malodorous spit.

2.  A pathological, often career-killing swelling of of the proboscis.

3.  Severe inflammation of the patootie.

4.  Having or harboring a congenitally droopy quokka.

Semi-Fun Fact of the Day

Are you an American?  Did you attend kindergarten?  Can you remember ever seeing a centipede in your classroom?  Neither can I.  That's because you have to be at least 5 years old to enter kindergarten in America and centipedes only live 2-3 years.

That's all for today.  Almost time for my wife to get home from school and I need to go apply some blush and inhale some snot before she gets here and bitches me out for still being in bed at 4 pm for no obvious reason.  If I end up getting an excess of TLC, I'll be sure to pass it along tomorrow to everyone registered with my notify list as of midnight tonight.  Promise!

Back To An Entry With A
Non-Blue Background


Forward To An Entry With A
Non-Blue Background

(©Before It Was Even Written by the remarkably precocious Dan Birtcher)


Not sure whether to click on "Back" or "Forward" since they sound pretty much the same?  Get yourself another PC or Mac and try doing both at once.  Go on - spoil yourself.  You deserve it.  Especially if you're as hardworking a malingerer as I am.