5, 41 A.B.
So I go outside this morning (having utterly forgotten/repressed all my
experiences of the last few days that I wrote about last night) and proceed
to my east water faucet in order to get some water for my back yard birdbath.
As I stood there, filling my can (my watering can - come on!), a
brown blur suddenly appeared from out of the bushes behind me and lunged
at my -
Encounter With A Non-Fat, Non-White Fiend From Hell
people who are the hottest sexually
fat white people who are burning in the sun."
- Dr. James
Watson, Nobel Prize-winning co-discoverer of DNA's double helix structure
and a director of the human genome project.
Oh, wait. I really should mention first
that that Watson quote is quite legitimate. At least it appeared
in my newspaper today and that's good enough for me. After all, if
I had to go 'round double-checking everything everyone is quoted as saying
in every publication I read, well, there'd be no end to it, would there?
I could kiss lunch goodbye, that's for sure, and I'm just not willing to
do that. Sorry.
Anyway, the sexual hotness of fat white people burning in the sun has something
to do with the hormone MSH, leptins, and endorphins. Fat people have
more of 'em, and sunlight can boost their levels of these feel-good chemicals
The fact that Watson was put on the right path to this wisdom by a New
York City cab driver should not make us discount it out of
- peonies. I almost fainted! It was, of course, the rabbit
that has been eating my flowers. I simply had not expected him to
be so far away from them, let alone as far away as my east side faucet.
Proving once again that while I can, with some difficulty, follow the thoughts
of Einstein (not to mention Watson), the thinking of a rabbit seems forever
beyond my grasp.
Well, at least before I've had my morning Cocoa Puffs.
With Musical Triangulation
Just for the record, Watson isn't the only one capable of great thoughts.
Here's one of my own (and it's far more fun than that [*yawn*] double helix
thing that's been around forever):
If you play the Beatles' "Penny Lane," Chicago's "Saturday in the Park,"
and the Fifth Dimension's "Up, Up and Away" all at the same time, you will
experience the sensation of floating high over the Atlantic Ocean.
As If One Furred Creature In And One Out Wasn't Enough...
I also have been seeing a flying squirrel. In the lilac bush outside
my office window. In the back maple tree. In my neighbors'
This is new. This is different. This is my fourth summer here
now and I've simply not seen one flying squirrel prior to this.
Call me cynical, but I suspect those PR guys have really overspent their
budget when it comes to promoting that new Bullwinkle movie.
"Dick Test: A skin test used to determine
immunity or susceptibility to scarlet fever. (After George Frederick
Dick and Gladys Henry Dick.)"
That kinda pulled me up short. I was actually looking up the word
"diabetes" today because for some strange reason I didn't think I knew
how to spell it right (well, I DID, so there). But "Dick test" caught
my eye along the way.
Gee, don't George and Gladys sound like a fun couple? "You guys wanna
go out tonight?" "No, thanks. I think we'll just stay in and
see what we might be able to do to each other's epidermis in an effort
to determine if either of us has ever had scarlet fever." "Suit yourselves.
There's gonna be bingo." "Bye, Gladys." "You get right back
up on that kitchen table, George - NOW!"
Then "dicrotism" caught my other eye. That's a condition in which
two pulses are felt for every single heartbeat.
Wow. Who'da ever thunk such a thing possible? What next - two
thoughts per one-track mind??
At which point I figured I was never gonna make it to "diabetes."
But I did.
Proving that you really can work your way to diabetes if you just stop
letting yourself get distracted by Dick tests and abnormal pulsations....
By The Way...
I cut the neighbor's grass again today.
This means that just another 180 hours of cutting her grass and I expect
Harvard to reward me with an honorary degree in Mowology.
I guess I better go start trying to get my cap and gown past that rabbit
and into the house now....
Of The Written Word
(©Now by Dan
Birtcher as calmly as he can
given the fact that
he has just received word that the
encasing his last journal
has started to vibrate