Julitis 10, 41 A.B.


Now that we have your attention, want to get laid?

- Test sign posted today outside a Philadelphia bordello
as the city continues to prepare for the upcoming 
Republican National Convention

Taking A Stand Against Formication

     Yes, it's true - I'm now taking a public stand against formication.  Coming across the above item merely reminded me that I've been intending to do this for some time.  Since the 1970s, in fact.  That's when I first heard Jimmy Carter confess that he had "lusted in his heart."  Only Gerald Ford bragging near an unbeknownst open mike that he had "made it" with Farrah could have prompted me to take a public stand sooner.
     So, please - I beg you!  Support your local anti-formication committee TODAY with as big a check and as much volunteer time as you possibly can.
     Thank you.

     (Oh, btw - just in case you're a kid out there who accidentally stumbled across this page while searching for the Hanson fan site I used to update every hour in this space - "formication" is officially defined as "An abnormal sensation resembling that made by insects crawling in or on the skin."  You're never too young to know - or to do your part in the fight against this dreaded condition.  So: Help suppress ALL knowledge and memory of the '70s NOW!  Thank you.  And God bless America!)

     (Stand by for massive balloon drop...)

     (Ummm, of course you know you won't have to stand by quite as long if you help blow 'em up.  Just a thought.  Sorry.  Forget I said anything....)

"And if elected, Sir, what do YOU plan to do about the 70 million rats in NYC?"

     Al Gore - Never answered my letter.

     George W. Bush - Never answered my letter.

     Pat Buchanan - Sent me a form letter blaming NAFTA and men named Juan for the problem.

     Ralph Nader - Sent me a short letter explaining why sending me a long letter would be bad for the environment.

     Tiger Woods - Sent me an autographed picture.  But only because I asked him "Hey - how about an autographed picture?" instead of the above just because I was getting tired of writing the above by this point.  I figured he'd be able to read between the lines as well as he reads fairways and greens.  Ha!

     U.S. Census Bureau - There are now an estimated 9 rats per NYC resident.  Had everyone filled out their damn cards, there would probably only be about 7.6 rats per resident of NYC.  They have only themselves to blame.  We sent out a card that they'd be getting a card.  We sent the card.  We sent people to find out why the two cards were ignored.  We applied for a warrant that would have allowed us to bust down their doors and count 'em where we found 'em, but NO.  No warrant, no answering of the doorbell, no return of the cards - the hell with 'em.  Residents of NYC want 9 rats per capita instead of 7.6 rats per capita, that's THEIR problem.  WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?????

A Final Word

     (Also known as stereotaxis.)

     "A taxis in which contact (especially with a solid body) is the directive factor."

     Taxis: A reflex movement by a freely motile and usually simple organism that is translational or sometimes merely orientational and that constitutes a positive or negative response to a source of stimulation (as a light or a temperature or a chemical gradient).

     So: Thigmotaxis - the need to cuddle and/or snuggle.

     I'm for it.

     And you can quote me on that.

     Preferably while holding me tight....



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(©Now by Dan Birtcher just because it makes him feel 
so much closer to these words he accidentally brought into the world
by his criminal refusal to practice safe thinking)