13, 41 A.B.
doubt, throw it out.
in doubt, throw it out repeatedly.
in doubt, make sure you hit the can.
- From the forward
to my self-help guide,
"How To Improve Your
Life By Tossing This Book"
The Top Speed Of The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile Is...
... precisely 100 miles per hour.
Well, according to the May 29 issue of Newsweek, anyway.
They also say that the weight of that Weinermobile is 14,050 pounds, and
that sounds about right, doesn't it? So who are we to doubt
the claim that its top speed is 100 mph?
Someday, we'll all be driving cars in the shape of common American
summer picnic food items.
Why, I personally have been in certain GM products that handle exactly
like potato salad on a paper plate.
Heh - I first typed that as "pototo salad." How silly! Pototo
salad is what the Wizard and Dorothy had when their balloon came down in
the Andes Mountains.
What? You thought that Dorothy missed the balloon lift-off when Toto
jumped out of the basket and she went off chasing him?
You really need to catch up on your Oliver Stone....
Of Food (Part 1)
To hasten weight loss, try picking the calories out of your ice cream before
lifting it to your mouth with a spoon.
To really hasten weight loss, substitute an old phonograph needle for the
You'll become thin in record time.
(Did that awful pun make you hurl? Just trying to help....)
Of Food (Part 2)
To prevent unsightly white stains from forming on your ceiling, never shake
a warm cow before attempting to milk it.
Now That It's Just You And Me Who's Still Here Reading This Entry -
I have an important announcement to make.
An announcement I wouldn't want just anybody to read, but since you've
survived the above written hurdles, I know you can take it.
I'm thinking about adding a Gift Registry to my journal.
It'll work just like all those Gift Registry things they have at Pennys
and Sears and elsewhere.
(Well, maybe not Wal-Mart and K Mart. Now THAT would be scary!
"Bubba's shotgun takes unleaded shot ONLY, while I can always use another
garish tube top that's three sizes too small for ma tits.")
Anyway (ahem)... You and your friends who are getting married or dropping
a kid (or are about to engage in something else our society has declared
a fine excuse for getting others to give us stuff) can come here and post
for all the world to see what kind of entry you'd like to read on your
And then, when I get, say, $24, I'll go ahead and write that entry up for
you and upload it on your Big Day.
Like, say, you really like pictures of my cat. Put that down in the
Official Jester Registry. Your friends read it, bitch and bitch among
themselves, take up a collection for you anyway, send me $24, and - presto!
I upload a picture of my cat on your wedding day, graduation day, parole
hearing day - whatever.
And - for just a $3 handling fee - I remove your request when someone
says, "Yeah - I'll spring for that!" just so you don't get, like,
601 entries with a picture of my cat when you really could have used one
or two with a picture of my gazanias or a few paragraphs of me making fun
of adult men who don't shave their legs.
Why am I doing this?
Not for the money - oh, no no NO!
Truth be told, I'm doing it because the last time I visited Pennys and
Sears, I was struck by how many people were there instead of on a computer
reading this journal.
I figure I had better add a Gift Registry if I wanted to remain competitive.
If it doesn't, look for me to add over-priced merchandise and surly clerks
Once - Read A Second Time FREE!)
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(©Now by Dan
Birtcher whilst simultaneously hitting on the anorexic models
with pouty expressions
shown reading future entries in our new 2001 catalog)