Julitis 19, 41 A.B.


Move along, nothing to see here...

Move along, nothing to see here...

That's a good girl!

That's a good boy!

HEY - YOU!  



Secret Entry - Part 1

     Ok, now that I got rid of all the easily discouraged gawkers drawn to my train wreck of a journal, I might as well start giving all you impossible-to-discourage gawkers the gory details you crave.  No sense wasting any more time trying to discourage you die-hard ghouls, after all.  
     I know when I'm licked.   
     So to speak.


     I swear, I have to watch you guys every second....

Secret Entry - Part 2

     "So, like, why haven't you written for, like, 6 days or something?"

     I ran out of staples.

     Now, I know what you're thinking.  "But, Dan - you're working on the Web now.  You don't need staples.  And the fact that you've had to replace your monitor every time you thought you did need to use a stapler on your online pages should have proved that to you by now."

     Well, Goof Cakes, for your information I do indeed know where I am and am not working these days.  The fact is, I was working  on something in the REAL WORLD (ever hear of it?) where something DID need a good stapling.  I was working on it Friday night, in fact.  Right before I planned on posting an entry here.  
     Can you imagine my surprise when I picked up my stapler, tried to use it, and nothing happened?
     It was like going down the basement steps in the dark and thinking that there was one more (or one fewer) step than there really is.
     It was like stepping into what you think is an elevator car and instead discovering that you've stepped into the path of a freight train.  No, wait - I mean an open elevator shaft.  (Damn - I got those two things confused on the SAT, too!)
     It was like trying to slit your wrists with your brother's accordion, only the accordion had yet to be invented, and you don't even have a brother because your mother was born without ovaries.

     I mean to say, I was rather taken aback.

Secret Entry - Part 3

     "Yeah?  So, like, what then?"

     I tried to find replacement staples.  Only I couldn't recall where we kept them.  After ransacking the kitchen, the bathroom, the litterbox, and other places Whose Name Must Never Be Mentioned, it finally occurred to me to search the drawer where our office supplies are kept.
     Indeed, in a matter of hours I actually did find staples there!
     Were they the right size??

     An intensive hunt for my misplaced stapler ensued.

Secret Entry - Part 4

     "Uh-huh.  And...?"

     By Saturday afternoon we decided that it would simply be easier to go out and buy a new stapler.

Secret Entry - Part 5

     Side note: The world is a very big place.  Staplers are relatively small things.  As anyone over the age of 3 months 6 ounces may have guessed by now, there are far, far more places where staplers aren't than where they are.
     Even once you find an office supply store, things are far more difficult than they should be thanks to A) Poorly designed aisle signage, and B) Man's innate inability to believe that mere words on flimsy cardboard know something He does not.

Secret Entry - Part 6

     "You know, I'm really, like, starting to lose interest.  My mind is, like, starting to, ummmm... drift and stuff."

 Secret Entry - Part 6B


     It has been brought to my attention that in my last entry, I "mistakenly" referred to the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile instead of the Oscar Mayer WIENERMOBILE.
     Actually, I did that on purpose to avoid copyright infringement.
     I mean, would you want to get into a fight with a company that buys cows, pigs, sheep, snakes, and shrews by the truckload, just so it can stun/shoot/gas/ electrocute/shavetooclose/slash/stab/gut/smash/mash and grind 'em up en masse just so their ball park pushers have something "fun" to foist off onto unsuspecting kids innocently waiting with bated breath to hear what John Rocker might say next?

     I didn't think so!

Secret Entry - Part 7

     "You know, I think I need to go do something, like, worthwhile...."

     Funny, that's what the clerk at the third office supply store said after he utterly failed to help me decide what color stapler might contribute least to Global Warming and be least likely to prove tiring on the eyes as the years go by.

Secret Entry - Part 8


     Suffice it to say, I've been busy.  Didn't get caught up on my stapling until this afternoon.  As soon as I was caught up, I rushed right here and did my best to explain, apologize, and bring you all up to speed.

     Now I'm ready to pick up right where I left off.

    Secret Entry - Part 9

     If anyone can tell me where it was that I left off, please drop me a note.

     Better yet, just read me the note since my eyelids and fingers seem to have somehow gotten themselves stapled together....


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Ruled The Journal


A Whole Shelf Of Mind
Biopsy Samples


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Are No Longer Discriminated Against
Under Penalty Of Law
Or Something


(©Now - yes, NOW - this very moment! - by... by... 
Damn, what a bad time to have an identity crisis!)