Julitis 24, 41 A.B.

Jester Birtcher is Bush's choice for VP!
"Innate cuteness" overrides Constitutional requirements,
sources say.

- Assumptionated Press wire bulletin

     Good evening.  As many of you have probably heard by now, there's a rumor going around that my cat, Jester, has been tapped by George W. Bush to be his running mate in the upcoming presidential election.
     I've been authorized by Jester himself to tell you - for the record - that there is absolutely no truth to this.
     I've also been authorized to tell you - off the record - "WAKE UP AND SMELL THE CATNIP!  ARE Y'ALL STUPID OR WHAT?!"
     We have no idea who may have started this rumor, but we do get a kick out of thinking that it was Republicans in Congress desperate to inject a bit of excitement and charisma into Mr. Bush's campaign any way they can.
     A moment's thought should make clear to them and everyone else, however, just how silly this rumor really is.

     ----- It would be foolish for Mr. Bush to choose as his vice president anyone who would outshine him on the campaign trail and overshadow him were he to be elected president.

     ----- Jester is a resident of Ohio, a state with a lot of electoral votes.  Tradition strongly demands that Bush pick someone from a much smaller, less important state who can deliver a lot fewer votes.   

     ----- The only real job of the vice president is to preside over the Senate.  It is extremely unlikely that the Senate chamber is big enough to accommodate all of Jester's charisma, furballs, and squeak toys.

     ----- Jester has never had a heart attack or undergone open heart surgery.  As such, there's a rather good chance he might survive the next 4 years and challenge Mr. Bush in 2004 should he win this year and actually have the chutzpah to seek re-election.

     ----- Jester has never worked for prior administrations, has never attempted to raise money for anyone's campaign, and has never served as a lackey of the oil industry.  As such, there would seem to be very little for an independent counsel to investigate. Unfair though it may seem, this would undoubtedly cost Bush votes among past, present, and wannabe independent counsels and might well be enough to sway the election to Gore (whose party has done so much to see to it that every lawyer who wants a job investigating government officials has one).

     ----- Jester is a cat.  Although it is hard to imagine a cat being unable to handle a job as insignificant as the vice presidency, the fact remains that an awful lot of Americans are unfairly prejudiced against his kind.  As much as this prejudice ought to be challenged - and one day WILL be challenged - Bush simply isn't the type that's able or willing to do it.  Look for him to play it safe and pick another old white guy (or - at most - a Golden Retriever) instead.

     If anyone can read all this and still think Jester is Bush's choice for VP, all we can say is, "Man, you are one sick puppy."

     Before moving on to more important tasks (i.e., head pats and belly rubs), I would like to add a few personal words that have not been authorized by the kitty I serve with all my heart but which I feel need to be said.
     First, there is absolutely no truth to that other, nastier rumor that other VP hopefuls have been spreading all afternoon.  You know the one I mean.  About how Jester has an addiction to yogurt and has to be plied with it twice a day just in order to function like a normal feline creature.  The simple truth is, he's addicted to the medicine we slip into the yogurt.  The yogurt itself is merely his preferred delivery system.  Really now - if these other VP hopefuls can't manage to understand and remember this accurately, can we ever really trust them to be just a heartbeat away from the nuclear button?  I think not! 
     Second, there is absolutely no truth to that other, even nastier rumor.  You know - about how Bush actually called Jester this afternoon and offered him the VP spot provided Jester could deny the existence of certain photographs allegedly showing him licking his butt.  Although the story in circulation claims that Jester could not buy, burn, or bury all those photos fast enough to assure Bush of their non-existence and was therefore dumped faster than Dole and Gingrich dumped their first wives, the fact of the matter is that neither I nor Jester have been answering the phone for weeks for fear that it would be Bush on the other end.
     Third and finally, there is absolutely, positively NO truth to that nastiest rumor of all.  It is simply NOT true that Bush asked Jester what he would do if he became vice president and was sent to the funeral of a foreign head of state and that Jester replied, "Sniff the corpse twice, mark it with urine once."

     That's all.
      And may whoever Bush actually picks to be his vice president be treated with far more respect than my poor innocent pet with the cute face and the fat butt has been so far today.    


Back To A News-Free Entry

Home To Await
The Election Results


Forward To An Entry
Which Denies All Knowledge Of This One
Under Advice Of Counsel


(©Now by Dan Birtcher while taking a break from his duties as 
Vice President in Charge of Bowl Filling)