So I was doing laundry this morning and I went to get the Downy fabric softener out of the cupboard but it wasn't in the cupboard and no matter how hard I looked at the cupboard the Downy refused to be in the cupboard (something they never tell you about in the commercials).  
     And then I just happened to look down, and LO!  It was on the floor in front of the washer where I'd left it after bringing in the groceries last weekend.  And I thought, "Hey, I've already spent more energy than I wanted on this washing gig, why should I spend more lifting the whole Downy bottle up to the hole in the top of the washer to use it when I can siphon what I need with a hose?"  So I got myself a hose and everything was going according to plan until the ol' sucking reflex kicked in and took over my life for the first time in almost 30 years and I got a mouthful of Procter and Gamble's best, straight up, no ice, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
     Thought I was gonna die.
     Instead, I just ended up with an unusually soft and fluffy tongue.
     And I got my wife to lift the bottle of Downy up to the hole in the top of the washer for me.

     Don't tell the insurance company which had to pay $2800 to have my stomach pumped, but it was worth it.

     Wanna feel my tongue?
     How high and how often can you lift a 64-ounce bottle?
 

     Shouldn't we have second aid kits, just in case our first aid kits crash, freeze up, or otherwise suffer a fatal systems error?
 

     Did Elvis ever sing about soybeans?
     Does anybody know?
     For sure??
     Is there, like, an Elvis Concordance I can buy?  You know - a complete list of every word Elvis ever sang, how many times, and telling exactly where I can go to hear it sung for myself?
     Well, WHY THE HELL NOT??
 

     I'm sorry, Sweetie.  I really didn't intend to use foul language in the one and only entry I'm probably ever gonna dedicate to you.  
     I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

     I'll let ya feel my tongue if you do.

     What do ya say...?

     Hint: WWJD?

     *Mountain fresh tongue dangle*
 

     Julitis 25th is a VERY important day.  
     I knew that.  
     What I didn't know before this very moment is why.

     If it wasn't for Julitis 25th, Julitis 24th and Julitis 26th would slap into each other like two mackerel on the fishmonger's truck when he takes a curve too fast.
 

     You know, virtually everything makes sense if ya just stop and really think about it....