3, 41 A.B.
"A zebra does not change its spots."
- Al Gore, Presidential
This Is Not A Journal Entry
Don't be deceived by mere appearances. Not all my entries are real
entries. Some are just placebos which trick your mind into
entertaining and enlightening itself by merely appearing to be entertaining
and enlightening through an insidiously deceptive manipulation of words,
color, symbols, and cat allusions. Although these intellectually
inert entries cannot hurt you, neither are they a nutritionally complete
alternative to real entries derived from real thoughts and real feelings
generated by a real life.
-----Texas-Canadians yelling "YEEEHAW, eh?"
OK, so LOTS of real journals offer that last thing, too. I told you
these placebo entries were insidious in their ability to deceive, didn't
Never Mind All That - How's Your Cat?!
My cat, Jester, is fine. He's still enjoying sitting on his
windowseat in my office, watching the chipmunk relieve my bird feeder of
all that nasty seed. He actually meowed a little bit ago, sending
Mr. Chipmunk into a flurry of scurrying away. Even though Jester
was actually meowing at me. I think he was asking, "Aren't
you pregnant yet?" I have no idea why he'd ask such a thing - what
can I say? Cats are weird....
My New Movie Rating System
My newspaper came out today with a new system for rating the movies it
reviews. That made me realize that I've never had a system of my
own. At this point, I realized I had a choice: I could feel sorry
for myself, get depressed, and cry, or I could feel sorry for myself, get
depressed, and develop a system while I cried.
***** (5 Stars) - I award 5 Stars to those movies that are distinctly so-so. This elevation of the mundane to the level of the classic flatters the tastes of the common folk and is a sure-fire way to win their approval. Since there are more common folk than any other kind, I figure this is the most efficient use of the limited amount of flattery I have in me.
**** (4 Stars) - I award 4 Stars to my favorite movies but which others might realize are my favorite movies were I to award them 5 Stars. 4 Stars protects me from revealing too much of myself and thereby opening myself up to ridicule, teasing, joshing, and unending references to my poor taste in movies and/or mental retardation.
*** (3 Stars) - I award 3 Stars to movies that really suck, just because I either a) feel real sorry for the people who made this turkey and am afraid they'd commit suicide en masse if they ever learned what I really thought of them, or b) find the awfulness such a hoot that I want to encourage the people responsible to make another just as bad so I can laugh as hard again real soon.
** (2 Stars) - I award 2 Stars to movies I've never seen but want other people to think I've seen. 2 Stars allows me to adopt a world-weary tone and pass off a general attack on the Hollywood mindset as a specific attack on whatever movie it is I haven't seen. So far, no one has seen through my ruse - probably because I perfected my technique by reading all the big name critics for years.
* (1 Star) - I award 1 Star to movies
that dare to be better than anything I could have written. If they
don't care enough to protect my fragile ego by cloaking their genius behind
a veil of laughable cliché, I don't care enough to be honest with
them. Bastards. They have their genius. Damn if they're
gonna get my approval, too.
A Tip From The Experts
and wellness are fine antidotes to illness.
To The Wonder Entry
(©Now by the
deliriously flu-strickened Dan Birtcher)
And NO - Texas
does NOT have an ambassador to the United States.
(WELL, GO LOOK IT UP FOR YOURSELF THEN!!! GEESH!)