Junival 6, 41 A.B.

"Putin On The Fritz!"

- Newspaper headline some editor or reporter
is just dying to spring on us at the first sign Russia's
new president has a cold or the flu or some other
minor health condition those Russian leaders
always seem to be coming down with and which
always seem to end up developing into something else.
You know who you are, you mad editor or reporter, you!

Excuse #1 For Not Posting Lately

     Sunday night I was just sitting here tilting my head to the left when I felt a sudden pain in the general vicinity of my last entry.  Doctors familiar with my complete writing history immediately suspected a word clot.  Nasty things, word clots - if one reaches your main index, it can kill your entire journal.  Even small, unambitious ones can lead to a complete loss of feeling in your dangling modifiers. 
     I was forced to remain motionless for two days while a specialist was flown in. 
     Turns out I had merely snagged my ear on a door knob when I tilted my head one too many times.
     Let this be a cautionary tale for all you journal writers out there.  Don't wait until you feel a pain in your head to take action.  At least twice a year, schedule a full head X-ray so that any doorknobs you might have unknowingly snagged with your ear are discovered before they are turned and a big hole appears to swallow you. 
     And of course keep performing those daily self-examinations as you shower.
     Or at least look for rust stains on your earlobes as you dry off in front of your mirror.... 

I Love You

     Yes, I love you.
     Yes, YOU.
     I really do.
     And because I love you, I want to give you something special.
     Something that will show you how much I love you.
     Something that will make you forget those images of rusty earlobes I apologize for putting in your head. 
     Here it is:

     There are 26 known meteor impact craters in the U.S.
     They range in diameter from 10 miles (Ames, Oklahoma) to 49 feet (Haviland, Kansas) and in age from 600 million years (Beaverhead, Montana) to 1000 years (Haviland, Kansas again). 
     The closest one to me right now is approximately 55 miles away in Seneca County, Ohio.  That one happens to be 3509 feet wide and about 80,000 years old.
     The closest one to you rather depends on where you happen to be, doesn't it?
     If you were here, chances are that one in Seneca County would be the closest for you, too.
     Got some spare time?  Stop by and we'll check.

     And if you ever meet someone who knows of a gift better than information to give a loved one, grab 'em.
     I'll...  I'll try to understand....

Excuse #2 For Not Posting Lately

     I've been hearing strange... noises lately.
     Odd... whelpings.
     Weird... hootings.
     Bizarre, fantastic, and blood-curdling... yawns.
     In other words, I've had good reason to believe that this journal of mine was inadvertently posted atop an ancient Indian burial ground!
     In recent days, I simply lost my nerve.  I just couldn't summon up the courage to post another entry and risk pissing off Geronimo, or Sitting Bull, or that Indian who used to cry all the time in those old anti-litter TV commercials.
     To be frank, I didn't even have the cordones to risk the mild displeasure of that actor who used to portray Chief Wild Eagle on "F Troop."
     Turns out that my cat, Jester, just had a bit of gas.

     Do you think they could make an "X-Files" episode out of this?

And Because I REALLY Love You...

     ... I'm going to give you some of the best financial advice anyone ever could.
     Pay attention now.
     On March 26, Microsoft stock was selling for $107.76 a share.
     On that same date (as that day's entry here made very clear), hamsters were selling for $2.99.
     Today, Microsoft is selling for $69.60 a share - a decline of 35%.
     Today, hamsters are selling for $4.97 - an increase of 66%.
     Had you sold all your Microsoft stock on March 26 and invested it in hamsters, you'd now be 101% ahead of where you are today if you held onto that stock.
     Do you have any Microsoft stock lying around today?
     OK, you tell me - what do you think you should do first thing tomorrow morning?

     You're welcome.

Click Here To Get Caught
In A Time Warp To A Past Entry
That Science Cannot Explain!



Click Here To Be Whisked Away
By A Tornado To Oz County
(Now A Wholly-Owned Subsidiary Of Banality, Inc.)


(©Now by Dan "I'm Too Sexy For My Glass Eye" Birtcher)