6, 41 A.B.
On The Fritz!"
- Newspaper headline
some editor or reporter
is just dying to
spring on us at the first sign Russia's
new president has
a cold or the flu or some other
minor health condition
those Russian leaders
always seem to be
coming down with and which
always seem to end
up developing into something else.
You know who you
are, you mad editor or reporter, you!
THROW YOUR PRINTING
PRESS OUT THE WINDOW
AND COME OUT WITH
YOUR HANDS UP - NOW!
THE PUN COUNSELORS
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
YEARS AGO ARE STANDING
BY TO HELP YOU!
#1 For Not Posting Lately
Sunday night I was just sitting here tilting my head to the left when I
felt a sudden pain in the general vicinity of my last entry. Doctors
familiar with my complete writing history immediately suspected a word
clot. Nasty things, word clots - if one reaches your main index,
it can kill your entire journal. Even small, unambitious ones can
lead to a complete loss of feeling in your dangling modifiers.
I was forced to remain motionless for two days while a specialist was flown
Turns out I had merely snagged my ear on a door knob when I tilted my head
one too many times.
Let this be a cautionary tale for all you journal writers out there.
Don't wait until you feel a pain in your head to take action.
At least twice a year, schedule a full head X-ray so that any doorknobs
you might have unknowingly snagged with your ear are discovered before
they are turned and a big hole appears to swallow you.
And of course keep performing those daily self-examinations as you shower.
Or at least look for rust stains on your earlobes as you dry off in front
of your mirror....
Yes, I love you.
I really do.
And because I love you, I want to give you something special.
Something that will show you how much I love you.
Something that will make you forget those images of rusty earlobes I apologize
for putting in your head.
Here it is:
There are 26 known meteor impact craters in the U.S.
They range in diameter from 10 miles (Ames, Oklahoma) to 49 feet (Haviland,
Kansas) and in age from 600 million years (Beaverhead, Montana) to 1000
years (Haviland, Kansas again).
The closest one to me right now is approximately 55 miles away in
Seneca County, Ohio. That one happens to be 3509 feet wide and about
80,000 years old.
The closest one to you rather depends on where you happen to be, doesn't
If you were here, chances are that one in Seneca County would be the closest
for you, too.
Got some spare time? Stop by and we'll check.
And if you ever meet someone who knows of a gift better than information
to give a loved one, grab 'em.
I'll... I'll try to understand....
#2 For Not Posting Lately
I've been hearing strange... noises lately.
Bizarre, fantastic, and blood-curdling... yawns.
In other words, I've had good reason to believe that this journal of mine
was inadvertently posted atop an ancient Indian burial ground!
In recent days, I simply lost my nerve. I just couldn't summon up
the courage to post another entry and risk pissing off Geronimo, or Sitting
Bull, or that Indian who used to cry all the time in those old anti-litter
To be frank, I didn't even have the cordones to risk the mild displeasure
of that actor who used to portray Chief Wild Eagle on "F Troop."
Turns out that my cat, Jester, just had a bit of gas.
Do you think they could make an "X-Files" episode out of this?
Because I REALLY Love You...
... I'm going to give you some of the best financial advice anyone ever
Pay attention now.
On March 26, Microsoft stock was selling for $107.76 a share.
On that same date (as that day's entry here made very clear), hamsters
were selling for $2.99.
Today, Microsoft is selling for $69.60 a share - a decline of 35%.
Today, hamsters are selling for $4.97 - an increase of 66%.
Had you sold all your Microsoft stock on March 26 and invested it in hamsters,
you'd now be 101% ahead of where you are today if you held onto that stock.
Do you have any Microsoft stock lying around today?
OK, you tell me - what do you think you should do first thing tomorrow
To Get Caught
In A Time
Warp To A Past Entry
To Be Whisked Away
By A Tornado
To Oz County
Wholly-Owned Subsidiary Of Banality, Inc.)
(©Now by Dan
"I'm Too Sexy For My Glass Eye" Birtcher)