Junival 7, 41 A.B.


     Dear Amy -

     I bet you're wondering why I haven't cut the grass lately.  In fact, judging from your regular screams of "Why don't you get off your butt and cut the grass!?" I'd say this wondering has almost become an obsession.  In order to help you nip this problem of yours in the bud before you permanently hurt your vocal cords or draw gunfire from the neighbors, I thought I'd help you get back in touch with reality as calmly and as gently as I can.  Remember as you read this that I care about you and am here to help you.  Now, just try to relax and read.

     It's not that I don't want to get off my butt and cut the grass, you silly goose.  It's just that I've given the matter some serious thought and have concluded that it's simply logically impossible for the grass to be cut this year.

     The grass cutting season in our area runs from about March 1 to November 1.  That's 8 months, or 245 days.  The first week the grass is just starting to grow and doesn't need cutting, so that leaves 238 days in the season.
     You with me so far?  Good!
     Now, my official Weather Channel almanac tells me that we can expect 90 of those days to be rainy.  Needless to say, I can't mow in the rain.  That leaves 148 days.  
     But on the day after a rain day - technically called RD +1 - the grass is still too wet to be cut.  It really needs a good 24 hours of dry air and sun before mowing.  So:  That knocks off another 90 days, bringing us down to 58.
     The almanac also tells me that we can expect 14 days to be above 90 degrees.  Ok, so maybe I can risk heat stroke a few times for the sake of a tidy lawn - but 14 times??  I don't think so!  Against doctor's orders, I'll grant you 4.  That leaves 10 days when it's too hot to mow, reducing our total to 48.
     Now, virtually every company I've ever heard of allows it's employees one sick day a month.  You yourself get that many at school.  Allowing myself no more and no less during grass cutting season means that I'm entitled to 8 days off.  A single cold can last 10, but never mind.  I'll settle for a mere 8.  This brings the number of days I can cut grass down to an even 40.
     Or 960 hours (40 times 24).
     But we all know that we don't really have a full 24 hours every day to cut grass - right?  Even in the summer, it's dark at least 1/3 of each day.  Taking this fact we all learned as very young children into account brings grass cutting season down to 640 hours.
     At this point we must face facts and admit that grass is made wet not merely by rain but also by dew.  Specifically, morning dew.  The only sure way to avoid this nasty little problem is to wait until afternoon.  I wish it were otherwise, sweetie, but that's logic.  Figure another 6 hours/day lost to dew (6am-noon).  
     Let's do the math together: 245 days in the season times 6 hours/day lost to dew = 1470 hours lost to dew.
     But we've already figured out that there are only 640 hours in the entire season!  And some of those must be wasted on meals, showering, and all the other tasks of life!!

     So, you see, Honey - as much as I would LOVE to get off my butt and go cut the grass - I simply don't have the time.
     In fact, just thinking about cutting the grass threatens to instantly shave 830 hours off my life - or almost 35 days!  POOF!  Just like that!!!
     If you really MUST find the garage again, we'll get you a bloodhound.
     Love ya.

     Your Husband, Dan

cc: County Code Enforcement Office


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(©Now by Dan Idontevenhavetimetotypemyfrigginlastname) 

(Question: Why did you post a letter to your wife HERE?)

(Answer: Because I figure it's the one place she'll never find it!)