Junival 14, 41 A.B.


U.S. Federal Judge Omar T. Farnswerthp ruled today that this journal
has been unfairly monopolizing the attention of its readers during their
reading of it.  To remedy this dastardly and un-American situation, he has
ordered that this journal be broken into two parts.  Starting immediately,
the words of this journal will be in one place while their meaning will
be in another place entirely.  No contact between these two places will
be legal for at least the next ten years.

Enjoy it while you can.

A Remarkable Dream

     So I woke up this morning with this incredible dream in my head.  It was a dream that was so realistic, it was positively scary.  In it, Walter Cronkite died.  It was like I was actually awake and watching news reports of his death, reactions to it, retrospectives of his career, etc.
     So I jumped out of bed, raced to turn on CNN and... apparently Walter is still very much alive.
     Pretty amazing, eh?
     I mean, who ever heard of a dream premonition that didn't come true?!
     And who knows what tonight's slumbers might bring?

     If I told you I was really scared, would you... could you... sleep with me?
     I promise to do my best to keep the Cronkite in my head from interrupting your sleep with special bulletins.

     *Insert the smile of Omar Sharif HERE*  

Current Score

     U.S. Airports:         382
     U.S. Area Codes:  207

     Stay tuned!

Commencement Address

     As I look out today over you restless sea of young people as you prepare to leave this august safe harbor of an institution and dash yourselves pointlessly against the rocky shores of life for the next 5-6 decades (give or take), I want you to keep just two things in mind:
     Candidates have been seen in our area.  
     Here's how you can avoid attracting these pests to your home.

     1)  Never leave uncovered bowls of campaign donations on your porch.
     2)  Never leave highly kissable babies unattended. 
     3)  If you can't hide your car in a garage, be sure there's a "NO VOTER ON BOARD!" sign prominently displayed in at least three of its windows.
     4)  NEVER flash big wads of documents proving American citizenship in public.  
     5)  ALWAYS keep your hands muzzled to prevent them from A) Attracting the hands of known candidates and B) Being mistaken for hands that might actually be capable of pulling a lever or marking a ballot.

     That's all.
     You may go dash yourselves on the rocks now.
     Damn, how I wish I was YOU!

Fun Facts About The Etch-A-Sketch

     The Etch-A-Sketch was invented in France!
     The Etch-A-Sketch was called "Telecran" in France!
     The Etch-A-Sketch was renamed "The DoodleMaster Magic Screen" when it was sold in England!
     The Etch-A-Sketch was first offered for sale in America in 1960!
     The Etch-A-Sketch has now been made and sold in America more than 100 million times!
     When I used to turn my first wife upside down and shake, the lines on her face disappeared, too!

Reverse Engines

Home Port

Full Speed Ahead

(©Now by Dan Birtcher even though he'd much rather be reading that 
elementary school textbook called "East of the Sun, West of the Moon" again)