14, 41 A.B.
U.S. Federal Judge
Omar T. Farnswerthp ruled today that this journal
has been unfairly
monopolizing the attention of its readers during their
reading of it.
To remedy this dastardly and un-American situation, he has
ordered that this
journal be broken into two parts. Starting immediately,
the words of this
journal will be in one place while their meaning will
be in another place
entirely. No contact between these two places will
be legal for at
least the next ten years.
Enjoy it while you
So I woke up this morning with this incredible dream in my head.
It was a dream that was so realistic, it was positively scary. In
it, Walter Cronkite died. It was like I was actually awake and watching
news reports of his death, reactions to it, retrospectives of his career,
So I jumped out of bed, raced to turn on CNN and... apparently Walter is
still very much alive.
Pretty amazing, eh?
I mean, who ever heard of a dream premonition that didn't come true?!
And who knows what tonight's slumbers might bring?
If I told you I was really scared, would you... could you... sleep with
I promise to do my best to keep the Cronkite in my head from interrupting
your sleep with special bulletins.
*Insert the smile of Omar Sharif HERE*
U.S. Airports: 382
U.S. Area Codes: 207
As I look out today over you restless sea of young people as you prepare
to leave this august safe harbor of an institution and dash yourselves
pointlessly against the rocky shores of life for the next 5-6 decades (give
or take), I want you to keep just two things in mind:
Candidates have been seen in our area.
Here's how you can avoid attracting these pests to your home.
1) Never leave uncovered bowls of campaign donations on your porch.
2) Never leave highly kissable babies unattended.
3) If you can't hide your car in a garage, be sure there's a "NO
VOTER ON BOARD!" sign prominently displayed in at least three of its windows.
4) NEVER flash big wads of documents proving American citizenship
5) ALWAYS keep your hands muzzled to prevent them from A) Attracting
the hands of known candidates and B) Being mistaken for hands that might
actually be capable of pulling a lever or marking a ballot.
You may go dash yourselves on the rocks now.
Damn, how I wish I was YOU!
Facts About The Etch-A-Sketch
The Etch-A-Sketch was invented in France!
The Etch-A-Sketch was called "Telecran" in France!
The Etch-A-Sketch was renamed "The DoodleMaster Magic Screen" when it was
sold in England!
The Etch-A-Sketch was first offered for sale in America in 1960!
The Etch-A-Sketch has now been made and sold in America more than 100 million
When I used to turn my first wife upside down and shake, the lines on her
face disappeared, too!
(©Now by Dan
Birtcher even though he'd much rather be reading that
textbook called "East of the Sun, West of the Moon" again)