Junival 28, 41 A.B.

A green man in a terrible rush
A squeegee in both ears
Took a razor to his brush
Then cried ants instead of tears

Burma Shave 
(Now fortified with LSD!)

A Fable Without Much Of A Moral (But It Does Have Quite A Few Vowels)

     Ok, so I wake up today to a cool, sunny morning.  The kind of cool morning and morning light which immediately reminded me of those September days when I used to venture out into crisp, clear air shortly after the break of day and stand waiting for the school bus to come and take me away like that eagle used to pick at and take away pieces of Prometheus's liver after the gods tied him to a rock for giving man fire or knowledge (whatever).
     Prometheus seems never to have broken free of that rock.
     Some days it took me until noon to remember that my district didn't run school buses and I was expected to walk the four blocks to class.
     In an instant, my days as a living, breathing parallel to Greek myth all came rushing back to me this morning as I saw the light and felt the cool.

     It was all I could do to roll over and go back to merciful sleep....

And You Think YOU Have Problems?

     Ok, so here's the deal.  We have new neighbors.  They're over there - right next door.  I helped our old neighbors move last Thursday, so I'm pretty sure it's not them.  I've caught an occasional glimpse of these new people, too, and they look nothing like our old neighbors.  (I.e., the male seems to have black hair - not brown.)  Strange cars have appeared in the driveway over there.  Strange lights are in the windows at night.
     My wife says I should get to know them.  My wife says I should introduce myself and welcome them to the neighborhood.  She has said these things often enough that I have come to agree with her, just like I have come to agree with the Unseen Man with a Nice Voice that I must buy Poli-Grip just because I've seen the stuff advertised so much on the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather.  
     The problem is, I don't know the email address of our new neighbors.
     The problem is, I don't know what chat rooms they hang in.
     The problem is, I don't know if or where they might keep their online journal(s).
     The problem is, I don't even know if they have a computer!
     And so I spend my afternoons, wandering from Yahoo to Excite to ICQ, asking "Are you my new neighbor?  Do you know where they might be found?"
     People have been less than helpful.
     People have a poor grasp of what I can realistically do with my anatomy, too.
     For the second time today, I'm at my wit's end.
     If things aren't better here tomorrow morning, I suspect I'll have to move....

My Friend Buckhorn

No Radio In Stem!

This is my friend, Buckhorn.  Buckhorn is a member of the plantain family.  Although Buckhorn is considered a serious pest by most people with lawns, I love my Buckhorn all the same.  It is one of 200 species of plantain in the world, six of which are prevalent in the U.S. (my country!).  June is its first and best month here in Ohio.  Buckhorn, bless its little leaves (which can grow a half-foot or more in length), is a perennial.  It originally came from Europe but you'd never know that to hear it talk.  A shy plant, perhaps self-conscious of its accent, it hardly talks at all.  Interestingly, "shy" Buckhorn's flower stalks frequently exceed 12" in height.  Despite this, they make very poor dildos. 

Now you know all about my friend, Buckhorn.
If you want a special botanical friend of your own,
please poke around outside in your own back yard - not mine.

If anyone ever stole my Buckhorn from me, I'd cry.

And Another Thing....

Detroit has about 80,000 street lights.    



Return To The Womb


(©Now by Dan Birtcher under the direct supervision of a helpful snapdragon)

Firefly Range - Really!

P.S. - The area shaded in red is the habitat range of the firefly (a.k.a., "lightning bug").
If you know why this is the firefly's habitat range, please tell me.
(And if you know why the range stops abruptly along a Texas tip/Canada line,
please tell me faster!)