Primary Day
Marchipelago 7, 41 A.B.

"If this were a real democracy, the job of Voter
would be an elected position."

- Profound insight that came to me in a dream last night 

     I've just returned from casting a ballot.  
     Super Tuesday, you know.  Ohio.  Civic duty.
     Actually, I only go to the polls because it's always entertaining for me to hear how the poll workers will mispronounced my name this time.  Sometimes I laugh so hard, I wet myself.  Sometimes I laugh so hard, others rush over and volunteer to wet myself for me.
     And then when the poll worker gets past "Dan" and tries to say "Birtcher"...!

     Ok, the truth is much more mundane than that.
     I only go to vote in primaries because our polling place is located in a Catholic high school and it's the only opportunity I have to get in there and see what's going on.  
     And so that I can say on my résumé that I went to a Catholic high school.
     Seems that impresses a lot of people.  
     Even those who aren't college admission officers at Bob Jones University.
     And I've found that it impresses even more people since I shortened that claim from "I went to a Catholic high school for 16 years."
     Guess those "Less is more" people really were on to something....

     Anyway, I voted today.
     For Gore.
     Yeah, I know.  Not exactly like voting for RFK now, is it?  

     I was so tempted to write in "Daffodil" instead.  
     As luck would have it, today was the day our daffodils bloomed and, quite honestly, a single one of them makes me smile more than old Al ever has.  
     If he had bothered to make a personal appearance in my back yard, maybe I'd feel differently.
     Oh, well.  Maybe our esteemed vice president  can learn to sway charmingly in the wind between now inauguration day....
     Yeah, right.

     If the election were held tomorrow, I don't think I could actually vote to immerse myself in four full years of Gore.
     And with my daffodils best day already behind them, what does that leave?  A dull, stunted Bush?  Buchanan?  Isn't Buchanan a legume?
     I've thought a lot about it over the years.  I've never gotten up the nerve or the enthusiasm to do it before.  But this election just might be the one.  
     Oh, what the heck - this election will be the one.
     I hereby pledge my vote to Anonymous.

     Gee, it feels so good to finally say that after all these years.  To take the plunge!  To make a public stand!
     "Anonymous - Now More Than Ever!"
     "Anonymous: In Your Heart, You Know He Or She Is Right!"
     "Anon! Anon!  Anonymous!"
     "Anonymous Is One Of Us!  Maybe Even Two!"
     I'm Anonymously delirious...!

     Just imagine what it would be like with Anonymous in the White House.
     We'd never get tired of seeing his or her face on the news every night.  In fact, in order for the president to remain Anonymous, there'd be a strict ban on all photographs and sound recordings.
     We'd never have to hear about his or her relatives for the same reason.
     And the risk of assassination?  Ha!  Have you ever tried to take out someone who's managed to hide every aspect of their identity half as well?  Why, we'd be able to slash the budget of the Secret Service to almost nothing!
     And because we could never be sure that our neighbor, wife, child, or postal carrier wasn't actually Anonymous, we'd have to treat everyone like he or she was the president - just to be safe.  I mean, what irate Mom would ever embarrass us again by beating her kid in public if there was a chance that the kid might call out the 7th Airborne Division in response?

     The crux of any Anonymous presidency, of course, would be the stirring speeches we could expect.  Well, ok - transcripts of speeches, lest his or her cover be blown.  Such deathless words as Anonymous is capable of, however, can certainly overcome that little handicap.
     Bartlett's gives over 18 and a half pages to this talented person, after all.  Jefferson, in contrast, gets just 2 and a half.  Lincoln?  A mere 3 and five-eighths.  And the greatest philosopher of our time, Yogi Berra?  A scant 8 lines!  
     Anonymous will be a virtual one-person Madison Avenue in comparison to those pikers!
     Sure, Shakespeare gets a full 61 pages, but come on - how bright can the old Bard really be when you consider he had the poor sense to disqualify himself from the presidency by being born a foreigner?  And how many in Congress could understand a State of the Union address delivered in iambic pentameter, anyway?
     Anonymous, in contrast, was not only born in America (repeatedly, in fact - you can look it up), he or she was the one responsible for such gems as "A fool and his money are soon parted."  Can you imagine a better person to oversee the IRS?
     Can you conceive of a better person to put in charge of foreign relations than the person who also said, "Before you trust a man, eat a peck of salt with him?"
     Ok, so he or she is also on record as saying, "Multiplication is vexation/Division is as bad/The rule of three doth puzzle me/And practice drives me mad."  Like Reagan was a math whiz??  Like we have a Council of Economic Advisers for nothing???  Give the guy or gal a break!
     Especially when you stop to consider that it was Anonymous and no one else who came up with both "Paying through the nose" and "Keeping up with the Joneses."  My goodness, if that doesn't demonstrate a firm grasp of economics, what in the world does?

     Still, there are a few legitimate objections the thoughtful voter might raise.

     1) "Anonymous has too many syllables to be president."

     Although it's true that it's been 40 years since we've had a 4-syllabled chief executive, Eisenhower proved that it can be done and that both the country and headline writers can survive provided a suitable nickname like "Ike" is found.  Since "Ike" has, in fact, already been taken, and "JFK" has probably been copyrighted by Oliver Stone, we'll have to come up with something else.  Difficult?  Yes.  But not impossible!

     2)  "An Anonymous president wouldn't be accountable for his or her actions."

     Like we have accountability now??

     3)  "If Anonymous were president, who could we possibly get to serve as vice president?"

     Hmmm.  Assuming for the moment that Anonymous can't be persuaded to occupy both offices, and assuming that the vice president must be equally qualified as the president so that if anything were to happen to the president things could continue on pretty much as before, we do have a bit of a problem.  With the help of my Magic 8 Ball, however, I think I've come up with a couple names:  John and Jane Doe.  While not quite as impressive as Anonymous, each individually comes close to equaling that personage's most impressive qualities.  Perhaps a co-presidency would stand a chance of being at least as good if it were served at an undisclosed location instead of the White House.  Indeed, the only possible drawback I can see is the amount of time it might take the FBI and CIA to finish their necessary background checks, given the extraordinary number of legal cases the names of both John and Jane have come up in over the years. 

     On the other hand, there's one big, BIG advantage I have yet to mention:  

     If Anonymous turns out to be as great a president as I think is possible and we consequently decide to put him or her up on Mt. Rushmore, all we'll need to do is attach a name tag to that big piece of unchiseled rock next to Washington and poof - we're done!  

     That's it.  That's all I'm gonna say.  I've made my decision and it's final.

     If Anonymous doesn't sweep the electoral college come November, it will only be because people discover that he or she is vastly over-qualified for the job.
    Unlike some well-known people I could mention but will allow to remain anonymous for now.

Back To An Entry I Wrote While Suffering 
The Pains Of PPS (Pre-Primary Syndrome)


Forward To Another Good Old Day
Of The Clinton Presidency

(©Now by Dan Birtcher using a marker he swiped from his polling booth 
in an attempt to prevent others from sinning as he did)