Marchipelago 7, 41 A.B.
this were a real democracy, the job of Voter
be an elected position."
- Profound insight
that came to me in a dream last night
I've just returned from casting a ballot.
Super Tuesday, you know. Ohio. Civic duty.
Actually, I only go to the polls because it's always entertaining for me
to hear how the poll workers will mispronounced my name this time.
Sometimes I laugh so hard, I wet myself. Sometimes I laugh so hard,
others rush over and volunteer to wet myself for me.
And then when the poll worker gets past "Dan" and tries to say "Birtcher"...!
Ok, the truth is much more mundane than that.
I only go to vote in primaries because our polling place is located in
a Catholic high school and it's the only opportunity I have to get in there
and see what's going on.
And so that I can say on my résumé that I went to a Catholic
Seems that impresses a lot of people.
Even those who aren't college admission officers at Bob Jones University.
And I've found that it impresses even more people since I shortened that
claim from "I went to a Catholic high school for 16 years."
Guess those "Less is more" people really were on to something....
Anyway, I voted today.
Yeah, I know. Not exactly like voting for RFK now, is it?
I was so tempted to write in "Daffodil" instead.
As luck would have it, today was the day our daffodils bloomed and, quite
honestly, a single one of them makes me smile more than old Al ever has.
If he had bothered to make a personal appearance in my back yard,
maybe I'd feel differently.
Oh, well. Maybe our esteemed vice president can learn to sway
charmingly in the wind between now inauguration day....
If the election were held tomorrow, I don't think I could actually vote
to immerse myself in four full years of Gore.
And with my daffodils best day already behind them, what does that leave?
A dull, stunted Bush? Buchanan? Isn't Buchanan a legume?
I've thought a lot about it over the years. I've never gotten up
the nerve or the enthusiasm to do it before. But this election just
might be the one.
Oh, what the heck - this election will be the one.
I hereby pledge my vote to Anonymous.
Gee, it feels so good to finally say that after all these years.
To take the plunge! To make a public stand!
"Anonymous - Now More Than Ever!"
"Anonymous: In Your Heart, You Know He Or She Is Right!"
"Anon! Anon! Anonymous!"
"Anonymous Is One Of Us! Maybe Even Two!"
I'm Anonymously delirious...!
Just imagine what it would be like with Anonymous in the White House.
We'd never get tired of seeing his or her face on the news every night.
In fact, in order for the president to remain Anonymous, there'd be a strict
ban on all photographs and sound recordings.
We'd never have to hear about his or her relatives for the same reason.
And the risk of assassination? Ha! Have you ever tried
to take out someone who's managed to hide every aspect of their identity
half as well? Why, we'd be able to slash the budget of the Secret
Service to almost nothing!
And because we could never be sure that our neighbor, wife, child, or postal
carrier wasn't actually Anonymous, we'd have to treat everyone like he
or she was the president - just to be safe. I mean, what irate Mom
would ever embarrass us again by beating her kid in public if there was
a chance that the kid might call out the 7th Airborne Division in response?
The crux of any Anonymous presidency, of course, would be the stirring
speeches we could expect. Well, ok - transcripts of speeches, lest
his or her cover be blown. Such deathless words as Anonymous is capable
of, however, can certainly overcome that little handicap.
Bartlett's gives over 18 and a half pages to this talented person, after
all. Jefferson, in contrast, gets just 2 and a half. Lincoln?
A mere 3 and five-eighths. And the greatest philosopher of our time,
Yogi Berra? A scant 8 lines!
Anonymous will be a virtual one-person Madison Avenue in comparison to
Sure, Shakespeare gets a full 61 pages, but come on - how bright can the
old Bard really be when you consider he had the poor sense to disqualify
himself from the presidency by being born a foreigner? And how many
in Congress could understand a State of the Union address delivered in
iambic pentameter, anyway?
Anonymous, in contrast, was not only born in America (repeatedly, in fact
- you can look it up), he or she was the one responsible for such gems
as "A fool and his money are soon parted." Can you imagine a better
person to oversee the IRS?
Can you conceive of a better person to put in charge of foreign relations
than the person who also said, "Before you trust a man, eat a peck of salt
Ok, so he or she is also on record as saying, "Multiplication is vexation/Division
is as bad/The rule of three doth puzzle me/And practice drives me mad."
Like Reagan was a math whiz?? Like we have a Council of Economic
Advisers for nothing??? Give the guy or gal a break!
Especially when you stop to consider that it was Anonymous and no one else
who came up with both "Paying through the nose" and "Keeping up
with the Joneses." My goodness, if that doesn't demonstrate
a firm grasp of economics, what in the world does?
Still, there are a few legitimate objections the thoughtful voter might
1) "Anonymous has too many syllables to be president."
Although it's true that it's been 40 years since we've had a 4-syllabled
chief executive, Eisenhower proved that it can be done and that both the
country and headline writers can survive provided a suitable nickname like
"Ike" is found. Since "Ike" has, in fact, already been taken, and
"JFK" has probably been copyrighted by Oliver Stone, we'll have to come
up with something else. Difficult? Yes. But not impossible!
2) "An Anonymous president wouldn't be accountable for his or her
Like we have accountability now??
3) "If Anonymous were president, who could we possibly get to serve
as vice president?"
Hmmm. Assuming for the moment that Anonymous can't be persuaded to
occupy both offices, and assuming that the vice president must be equally
qualified as the president so that if anything were to happen to the president
things could continue on pretty much as before, we do have a bit of a problem.
With the help of my Magic 8 Ball, however, I think I've come up with a
couple names: John and Jane Doe. While not quite as impressive
as Anonymous, each individually comes close to equaling that personage's
most impressive qualities. Perhaps a co-presidency would stand a
chance of being at least as good if it were served at an undisclosed
location instead of the White House. Indeed, the only possible drawback
I can see is the amount of time it might take the FBI and CIA to finish
their necessary background checks, given the extraordinary number of legal
cases the names of both John and Jane have come up in over the years.
On the other hand, there's one big, BIG advantage I have yet to mention:
If Anonymous turns out to be as great a president as I think is possible
and we consequently decide to put him or her up on Mt. Rushmore, all we'll
need to do is attach a name tag to that big piece of unchiseled rock next
to Washington and poof - we're done!
That's it. That's all I'm gonna say. I've made my decision
and it's final.
If Anonymous doesn't sweep the electoral college come November, it will
only be because people discover that he or she is vastly over-qualified
for the job.
some well-known people I could mention but will allow to remain anonymous
Back To An Entry I Wrote While Suffering
The Pains Of PPS (Pre-Primary Syndrome)
Forward To Another Good Old Day
Of The Clinton Presidency
(©Now by Dan Birtcher using a marker
he swiped from his polling booth
in an attempt to prevent others from sinning
as he did)