Lost in the Desert Day
Marchipelago 24, 41 A.B.

     Well, ok - I've never actually been near a desert in my life.  I really have no idea what it must be like to be lost in one, and I sincerely apologize to all those reading this who know only too well what it really is like.  It is not my intention  to make light of your pain.
     But dammit, I've had something of a bad day here myself, and I really don't have time to come up with a better metaphor right now, so deal with it, ok? 
     I'm sure anyone who has REALLY been lost in the desert can shrug off the pain of this entry without even breaking a sweat.
     Hint, hint.

     My entry. 
     My bad day.  
     It started when I turned on my PC this morning and this - this noise erupted from the tower.  
     A cross between a bad shaver and a good hedge trimmer.  
     A noise which vibrated my desk.
     "This isn't good," I immediately deduced despite my having had scarcely any more training in these matters than the average on-call tech person fresh off the boat and looking to pick up a little cash.
     The tech person I actually talked to after being put on hold until the next boat came in assured me it's nothing a new power supply w/fan won't cure next week.  Until then, I just have to put up with it.
     "Plus you might want to watch for smoke."

     And to think that if I hadn't purchased the extended service contract, I'd have been charged extra for this piece of advice....

     Fortunately, I had some humorous material come to me in the mail today that helped take my mind off the hedge trimmer running wild in my office.
     An offer from my local cable company to sell me a high speed Internet connection for, you know, more money than I made last year.
     Perfect timing!  
     Now if I get bored this weekend, I can watch to see if smoke curls up to my ceiling faster than my creditors can drive me to bankruptcy court....

     Since the smoke hasn't started curling quite yet, I've had to find other distractions today.
     Fortunately, the name my cable company has given its high speed service inspired me.
     They call it Roadrunner.

     I don't know how it is with you, but The Roadrunner has given me hours and hours of enjoyment over the years.
     His goofy face.
     His sweet vocalizations.
     And most of all, the profound philosophical questions his cartoons raise.  Oh, I get the most delicious little quivers of joy just thinking about those!
     And today I did more than just lay back and enjoy 'em.
     Today I polled my friends in search of some definitive answers!
     Yes!  I did!
     And here without further ado are my findings:

     1)  What would Wile E. Coyote do with The Roadrunner if he ever actually caught him?

     78% - Eat him
     12% - Kiss him
       5% - Just talk
       3% - Return the keys he left on the table at the restaurant
       2% - Try to convert him to Mormonism

     2)  Where does Wile E. Coyote get the money for all those Acme products he's ordering all the time?

     56% - Inherited wealth
     21% - Royalties from his invention of umbrella-style parachutes
     10% - Forges Elmer Fudd's name on checks
       8% - Contributions from right-wingers who think The Roadrunner is part of the UN's Satanic New World Order conspiracy
       5% - Paid sperm donations

     3)  Who would Wile E. Coyote be pursuing if The Roadrunner retired from the chase tomorrow?

     37% - Speedy Gonzales
     21% - Foghorn Leghorn
     18% - Taco Bell dog
     14% - The Mallwalker
     10% - Jennifer Lopez

     4)  What is The Roadrunner's first name?

     83% - The
       8% - Forrest
       6% - H. Ross
       2% - Kristi with a K
       1% - Ishmael

     5)  What is the English translation of "Beep! Beep!"?

     49% - "Honk! Honk!"
     23% - "Move it or lose it, asshole!"
     17% - "A-ooga!  A-ooga!"
       8% - "Tick! Tock!"
       3% - "Close beak before striking"

     6)  The Coyote's endless pursuit of the ever elusive Roadrunner was most likely inspired by what?

     31% - That myth in which Sisyphus had to roll a rock up a hill, day after day
     24% - Homer's Odyssey and the story of Odysseus' long struggle to get home after the Trojan War
     21% - Captain Ahab's pursuit of the whale in Moby Dick
     14% - The search for peace in the Middle East
     10% - Pepe Le Pew's pursuit of that cat with the white stripe painted down her tail

     7)  The Coyote's endless pursuit of The Roadrunner is most symbolic of what?

     20% - Man's primordial need to hunt
     20% - Man's endless need to chase down mates
     20% - Man's age-old search for meaning
     20% - Man's tendency to keep flipping channels until carpal tunnel sets in
     20% - Man's habit of wasting his time, talents, and technology on the stupidest goals unless supervised by a woman

     8)  The Coyote most likely votes Republican because

     31% - Republicans boost defense spending, and that leads to nifty consumer spin-off products like Ultra-Electro-Cannons
     25% - He's afraid of foreign coyotes coming over here and stealing his bird
     17% - He doesn't think it's the government's business to tell him how best to fall into deep canyons
     14% - He thinks it's a sin that untold numbers of chaseable roadrunners have been lost since the US Supreme Court legalized abortion
     13% - All predators vote Republican

     9)  The Roadrunner is obviously a Democrat because

     31% - He doesn't carry a gun to protect himself from coyotes
     25% - He thinks life is all about living fast and not getting caught
     17% - He spouts the same old nonsense he's been spouting since the '40s, then runs away without having to deal with the consequences
     14% - Despite his obvious ignorance, he keeps coming out on top because of the idiocy of his opponent
     13% - He's never once been seen praying for God's help and guidance as the Coyote has closed in on him

    10)  I hope my daughter grows up and marries

     37% - The Roadrunner (I'm a sucker for a goofy grin)
     37% - Wile E. Coyote (I admire his perseverance)
     12% - Chuck Jones (he was the real genius behind this outfit!)
     10% - Warner Brothers (sure it's bigamy, but I'd never have to work again!)
       4% - Ted Turner (if my daughter insists on marrying a cartoon character, she may as well go with the funniest!)

(NOTE: Totals may not add up to much due to rounding and/or poor math skills) 


So there you have it - answers to some long-standing philosophical questions at absolutely no charge to you, my faithful reader.

Now to poll a few more friends of mine just to see what they might think is most responsible for my office filling up with smoke....

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