Monday, May 1, 41 A.B.

Old, Court-Invalidated Ohio Motto: With God All Things Are Possible
New, Hastily Substituted Ohio Motto: With Wine All Things Seem Better



     1.  I was in my wife's classroom preparing to make chili for her students while they sat and waited.  Unfortunately, I lacked the special ingredient I always use: Hydrogen peroxide.  Fortunately, there was a pharmacy along one side of her classroom where I could get some.  Unfortunately, the pharmacist there decided to test my cooking knowledge before giving me what I wanted.  "Which of these items can also be added to chili?" he demanded to know.   Six items were lined up on his counter.  I immediately picked out the bottle of aftershave as the one that could be added.  All the others were deodorants, after all, and if there's one thing I was certain of, it's that a good cook never, ever adds deodorant to the chili.  The pharmacist was impressed. 

     2.  I was hired to be a foreign correspondent.  Flown to France, I discovered that all of Paris had become one big windowless building "for security purposes."  People were in a good mood, however, because some new apartments were going to be added to this skyscraper tall structure and they would be allowed to have a few windows.  I found myself on a high floor and saw a huge "skylight" in the floor - not the ceiling.  The vast, open area below this "skylight" had been made to resemble the sky of a sunny day (complete with sun), giving the perfect illusion of seeing up while looking down.  As I had a drink with the foreign correspondent for CBS News at the dark bar not far from this "skylight,"  I decided I could never live or work there in France.  The bar stools were much too soft....

     3.  Just before I woke up this morning, I thought I heard our cuckoo clock cuckooing in Spanish.

Cat News

     My cat, Jester, is fine.  He's done with his medicated yogurt for the day and is sleeping on the dark blue recliner in our living room.  He's sleeping on his left side, with his nose just over the front edge of the cushion and his front right leg extended so that its paw is hanging out in mid-air.  He looks comfortable, which strikes me as funny because I never feel comfortable when I sleep this way in that chair.  

Question That's Been Tormenting My Cat For The Last Week

     "So when that female federal agent took Elian out of that house in Miami and hustled him into the van, why did she have him in her arms?  Why didn't she have the scruff of his neck firmly between her teeth??"

A Lesson Grandma Taught Me (Before She Passed Away)

     "The skin of most people weighs more than their brains.  That's why most people tan so much better than they think."

Personal Habit I Don't Believe I've Previously Revealed Here

     Sometimes I get in the mood to rent a movie from a video store, bring it home, put it on top of my VCR, then just sit in the dark for two hours imagining how good it is.

New Term I Learned Today

     Parasexual Intercourse: To have sexual intercourse in the manner of another person, but not so exactly as to allow him or her to sue you for plagiarism.  (Compare paraphrase)

Reader's Question Of The Day

     "Why are you heading this entry 'Monday, May 1' instead of something unbearably cutesy?" - Mabelline Galibrono, age 6, Dickerton, Vermont

     Because I'm in a hurry to get back to the rented videotape I have on top of my VCR.  It was due back Friday and I really need to finish imagining how good it is before the late fees add up anymore.

Back To A Time When
Journals Were Journals And Entries Were Entries



Forward To A Time When
A Wall Of Separation Hopefully Exists Between
Wine And State


(©Now by Dan Birtcher just to have something 
relatively non-nasty to do with his hands)