Mr. Thursday, Mrs. May 4, 41 A.B.

Old, Court-Invalidated Ohio State Motto: With God All Things Are Possible
Today's Special Substitute Motto: We're No Longer Shooting College Kids Unless They REALLY Deserve It


This Day In History

     So, it was a year ago today that I started an online journal.  
     Frankly, I'm kinda bummed.  
     I expected so much more from it.  
     You know - I expected women from all over the world to be so desperate for a good personal blathering by now that my mailbox would be flooded with their house keys.  I expected the TV networks to pay me millions of dollars not to write an entry one day a week just so they might have a few viewers.  I expected the Cosmos Itself to be so impressed with my JFK, Jr. rant or my in-depth entry on lard that it would excuse me from sickness, old age, and death in writing.  Yes, I expected an actual, honest to goodness written excuse!  Notarized by Mother Nature and witnessed by Father Time.
     Instead, I'm sorry to say that my journal has yet to stand on its own.  
     The charts I have say it should be able to walk unassisted by 14 months.  Ha!  My journal can do nothing by itself.  It just... lays there.  Not breathing.  Not moving.  As utterly dependent on me to supply it with its latest period as it was dependent on me to supply it with its first (a mere rental).
     I'd expected the damn thing to support me in my Golden Years!  Or at least my Golden Year.  
     I'll be lucky if it ever learns to write itself.

So, What Else Is New?

     Yesterday was the first Wednesday of the month.  At noon on the first Wednesday of the month here, they test the air raid sirens.  Since actual air raids are very rare and people in charge like to blow 'em anyway, they're now officially tornado alert sirens  - but we all know what they really are: The first warning we'll have of a sneak attack from the Canadian Air Force.
     The nearest siren to me is just up the street - atop a pole in the parking lot of a funeral home.
     Talk about a conflict of interest!  Does anyone seriously expect the funeral home owners not to sneak back to that pole and yanked those wires in an actual emergency?  You know - just to boost business?
     If my county was serious, they would have put that sucker in the parking lot of a life insurance agency....

     Note to my County Commissioner: Could you please blow these sirens when the mosquitoes are real bad, too?  I really hate to cart a whole meal out to my patio table only to have to cart it back in because of the mosquitoes.  If you'd blow the sirens when the mosquitoes were bad, you'd save me a lot of time and effort.  
     Thank you.

Entry I Didn't Post In The Last Year That I'm Most Glad I Didn't Post

     On September 18 I almost uploaded an entry entitled "Bob Newhart: The Risen Christ!"  My wife told me just in time that no, he's actually a comedian.  
     Boy, wouldn't I have been embarrassed!

Cat Update

     Jester has just finished his medicated yogurt and is curled up in a chair on our enclosed front porch.  There's a table lamp on the front porch - it has a pink bulb in it.  A timer turns it on at 8 and off at 11.  This bulb is still lit.  That's how I know Jester is curled up on his left side, head towards the back of the chair.  If this bulb wasn't lit, I'd have to go out there in the dark and feel around to determine this information.  NOT a fun experience for either Jester or myself, but I'd do it just to fill this space.  
     Because, you know, I have one of those journals that'll never write itself.
     Not even with 'round-the-clock nursing care.
     Expect to see me appear before Congress begging for more basic journal research funding soon.

Entry That Only Appeared Briefly In A Faraway Place With A Strange-Sounding Name

     On October 23 I posted an entry entitled "How To Make A Quick Million Dollars."  Because of the International Dateline, it first appeared at midnight local time on a small Pacific Island called Funafuti.  Within minutes, every single online Funafutian had a million dollars - which threw the local economy into utter chaos.
By 12:23 a.m. (Funafutian time), the U.N. Security Council had  imposed a complete and irrevocable ban on my entry.  Had they not done so, you'd probably be a millionaire yourself now - and the world economy would be a complete shambles.
     Thank you cards should be sent to: The United Nations Security Council, The United Nations Building, New York, New York, 10017.
     Sympathy cards may be sent to "The First Funafutian That You See", c/o The Postmaster General, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Question Of The Day

     "Why are you addressing Thursday as Mr. and May as Mrs.?" - Jay Albert, 26, Waukeegan, Michigan.

     Because my parents taught me to always address my elders by these titles. And the fact of the matter is, both Mr. Thursday and Mrs. May are much older than I am.  I know I haven't been very consistent here, but I'm feeling kinda old tonight, so I thought it would do me good to remember that there actually are things older than I am.  I even hear that both Mr. Thursday and Mrs. May are doing quite well, too.  Yay!
     Thank goodness you didn't ask "What's Mr. Thursday doing in Mrs. May when they're not married to each other?"  Now that  would have taken some real explaining - especially to one as young as you!

Term I Just Learned

     Nosocomial Costivity:  Hospital-induced constipation.  (Yes, this is a real term.  In fact, some sensitive individuals become constipated just by moving closer to a hospital.  And it's why so many patients tried to escape from the old state hospitals.  They weren't really trying to escape - they were merely seeking relief from cramping and bloating.)

(Thanks to Carole Jobes for expanding my mind, then prompting me to calculate that I live exactly 2.3 miles from the nearest ER - the last place to go for some medical emergencies.)

Back To Some Other Entry
I Had To Write Myself Even
After Threatening The Blank Page
With A Good Recycling It'd Never Forget



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(©Now by Dan Birtcher with both frontal lobes tied behind his ego)