Summery, Miss May 7, 41 A.B.

Ohio: Almost The Home Of The Kentucky Derby!

- The New & Improved Ohio State Motto: Weekend Edition

Abject Apology

     In recent entries I've been referring to the current month as "Mrs. May."  This seems to have been a terrible, terrible mistake on my part.  
     No record of May having ever been married can be found in the public databases.  
     AND a thorough search of the second day of May's front left week has failed to produce any evidence of a ring.  
     Apparently May is simply co-habitating with Mr. April and Mr. June in the same season without benefit of clergy. 
     I regret my error.
     I sincerely apologize.
     I am trying very hard not to be jealous of April and June....

Blame Greenpeace

     I've also just recently learned that whale meat sells for $90 a pound in Japan.  
     Not mathematically inclined?  This means that a quarter-pounder with cheese made with fresh ground whale meat there will set you back at least $22.50.
     Just so you know.
     Just so you don't have to say "Just a sec" and catch a flight back home to get more money before you can join the others at your table and eat.

This Just In!  Amazing But True Yard Update!

     The golden yellow iris we have along the west side of the house are blooming!
     The purple salvia by the southwest corner of the garage is blooming, too!
     The year's first little buds are forming on my climbing rose!  The very same climbing rose along our east fence that bloomed so prettily for me last year!  
     Two of my little oak tree saplings now have actual honest-to-goodness leaves!  (Kinda reddish brown!)
     My little locust tree sapling in the front yard has LOTS of leaves!  (Green!)
     A herd of toadstools has erupted where the old walnut tree once stood in the back yard!  They look like a small Japanese village prior to Allied bombing!  
     (Stopping my "Wooo-hoooing" long enough to go make some great big huge "ABSOLUTELY NO AERIAL BOMBING ALLOWED!" signs.)

Say WHAT??

     I've also just recently learned this as well:
     There are fish in Lake Erie that are swimming around right now that have been swimming around out there since before Lincoln was elected president.  
     Sturgeon longer than I am tall.
     Sturgeon that can live to be 150 years old.
     Well, the females can live to be 150, anyway.  The males tend to last only 60-80 years.  
     On the other hand, the males get to start spawning by around 15.  The females have to wait until they're (heehee) 25.
     NOT the job I want - diving into Lake Erie every day and carding the females to make sure no underage spawning is going on....

"Don't Like My Swimming? Call 1-800-Fin-Off"


Why Very Few Gas Stations Have Pump-To-Pump Carpeting

     Because kids like to rub their stocking feet back and forth on the carpeting, then run over and touch a nozzle that's being used to pump gas.  The resulting static electricity spark tends to ignite the gas fumes, the gas in the vehicle's tank, the gas in the station's underground storage tanks, and then everything else within about a three block area.
     Your kids don't like the feel of cold, oily concrete on their stocking feet when you make them get out of your car to fill your tank?  Take them on a tour of your hospital's burn unit next time they complain.

Jester Cat Update

(Jester is the fur-covered bottle of yogurt on the lower shelf)


Today's Cleanest Question From A Reader

     "If you had a horse run in the Kentucky Derby, what would its name be?" - Karen Ann Sutherland, 67, Topeka, Kansas

     I have two choices.
     Part of me wants to name that horse Winner By A Nose just so I can hear an announcer say such silly things as "Winner By A Nose comes in fifth."
     Another part of me, however, wants to name it something so long that there simply wouldn't be time for the announcer to mention the name of another horse in the two minutes or so that the race lasts.  One of those Welsh town names that go on for half a page or so without a single vowel would do nicely.
     Then again, giving my horse a name like Man, I Am So Sick Of National Attention Being Paid Every Year To A Goddamn Horse When The Best Medical Researchers Never Get To Hear Their Names On The Air - I'm Outa Here! might be swell, too....
     Ask me again sometime when I'm feeling decisive, ok?

(Odds of winning your favor: 1 in 5690)

(Odds of turning up something that isn't lame: 1 in 11,870)

(Odds of the next entry's being shoveled up by the grounds crew 
before you can read it: 2 in 3)

(© in 2 minutes 37 seconds by the embarrassingly jockey-less Dan Birtcher)