Julyesque, Ms. May 8, 41 A.B.

The following entry has been written in a mere 7 minutes.
If it seems like it was written in a mere 7 minutes, that's probably why.


Weather Update

     HOT!  Is it really only May??  Come on, you guys - quit fooling around.  Give me back my spring!

Yard Update

     I cut grass today.  From 4 pm to 7 pm.  Did this make me a better person?  No.  It made me a hot, tired, sweaty, hungry person.  
     You probably could have guessed this had you tried.
     It also made me unable to pronounce words starting with "G".  
     'o figure.

     On the plus side: Being outside allowed me to discover the so-called Star of Bethlehem wildflowers studding our west yard.
     And the baby bunny hiding in the iris.
     And the season's first blooming white clover.

     Tonight I heard the first crickets chirping.
     As good an excuse to go get drunk as any.  Feel free to use it.
     Even if you're Amish.
     What the hell.  The season's first crickets only chirp for the first time once, ya know! 

What I've REALLY Been Doing With My Lousy Little Life Lately

     I took down the back yard bird feeder today.
     Sorry, birdies - no more welfare handouts from ol' Danny Boy until next November 1.
     Be sure to mark your calendars.
     Especially you stupid mourning doves.  You never remember a thing I tell you, do you?!  No!  You can't even remember to get out of the way of the car when we drive it down the driveway until after I write "Get out of the way of the car!" on stones and throw them at you.
     However did your species manage to survive before I came along??

What Else I've Been Doing With My LLL Lately

     I've left up the back yard birdbath.
     What's more, I have a lot more time to spend on my birdbath lifeguard job since I no longer have to spend so many minutes filling the back yard bird feeder every morning.
     Today I rescued an ant. 
     And a beetle that was black with yellow spots.
     I shall sleep well tonight!

     (Well, if I can successfully repress the memory I have of discovering small animal viscera floating in the water and washing up along the edges of the birdbath when I first went out there today.
     You missing any small animals?
     Forward a copy of their dental records at your convenience....)

The Latest Dope On May

     I really don't know if May is married, has been married, or ever will be married.  
     Amy says it's really none of my business.
     October has been leaving messages on my machine, threatening to arrange an "early dusk" for me if I pursue the issue further.
     From now on, it's simply Ms. May as far as I'm concerned.
     Deal with it.

Jester Cat Update

     He's on the enclosed front porch.  On the porch chair nearest the door to the house.  You know - the chair that has the flower print vinyl cushion on it and that sits just about two feet away from where he was in yesterday's photo.  
     He is sitting like the Sphinx.
     A Sphinx that's convinced that the most interesting thing in all the world is the back of the chair cushion.
     A chair cushion now utterly in the dark.
     My cat prefers to look at the back of a chair cushion in the dark than to look at me.
     Hope he can convince it to feed him come morning.

New Phrase O' The Day

     Sensual Savant:  Someone who can perform complex sexual functions and operations in his or her head.

Reader's Question 
(Least Annoying To A Still Hot, Tired, Sweaty, Hungry Man Variety)
     "Did it really take you a full 7 minutes to write this shit?" - Tagmar Coldmuchiken, 12, Helsinki, Finland

     It actually took me 49 minutes.
     But that's including the 17 seconds I listened to my wife ranting about how utterly impossible it is to understand our phone bills anymore before I tuned her out.
     Next time, Tagmar, please ask me your question after calling collect using a really hard to pronounce Finnish telephone service.
     I'll be sure to tape my wife's reaction when she gets our next bill and pass it along!  (Heehee!)

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(©Now by Dan Birtcher while simultaneously wondering
why in the world it sounds like 3 tons of pigeon guano
is being tossed at his office window)