Take A Smirk To Work Day
Ms. May 18, 41 A.B.

"Abandon farmhouse!  Abandon farmhouse!
We're taking on pigs and sinking FAST!"

- "What No Farm Wife Wants To Hear 
Upon Being Jostled Awake In The Middle Of The Night"
(pages 24-317)

Spanking: One Final Squeal

     So when my wife first had me start researching spanking for her, she told me to check out "Project Nose Spank."  Apparently she'd heard or read about this project somewhere and I didn't want her to think she'd heard of something I hadn't, so I said, "Oh, yeah - good one!  I've have to find out the exact details for you."

     How eagerly I plunged into this aspect of my research as soon as she left for work, spanked noses dancing in my head!

     Maybe scientists had discovered that noses that weren't spanked while on infants grew up to habitually thrust themselves into everybody else's business.
     Maybe sociologists had determined that over 90% of the people in prison had had their noses spanked out of joint as kids.
     Maybe some ancient philosopher I hadn't heard of before had said something unjustly forgotten like "Spare the nose and slap the glabella!"  

     I spent an entire day at the library and on the Internet, looking in vain for a single reference!!

     When my wife came home that night and asked me how it went, I burped into tears.  
     "I'm sorry, Honey," I said, forgetting her real first name in my despair.  "I couldn't find a single reference to 'Project Nose Spank' anywhere!  Not in the card catalog.  Not in foreign girlie magazines.  Not even on ancient reel-to-reel tapes of Reader's Digest Condensed S&M that I had three librarians drag up from their own personal collection.  I'm sorry!"
     "That's ok," she assured me.  "I actually asked you to research 'Project No Spank' for me.  You can just try again tomorrow.  Here, let me write it down for you this time - just in case you wake up stupid for a second day in a row."
     Grabbing the pen from her hand, I delicately wrote NO across her nose, then WAY across her neck.
     "I'm just glad he didn't dot my eyes," I overheard her telling her mother later on when I played the phone tap tapes back.
     I smiled then - the smile of the truly blessed.
     Did Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor ever have it this good?
     I think not!


     Did you know that the average pig farmer makes just $10-$12 profit per pig?
     That's barely $5-$6 an eye!
     Could you feed and raise another living creature for months and then sell it and even one eye to be slaughtered and eaten in exchange for the price of a lousy cassette tape?
     Is there room in your sty for me??
     Just wondering.  No reason.
     Email me.
     With "My Sweet Little Bearded Pork Roast - How I Want To Smoke Your Ham!" in the subject line.


Jester Cat Update

     He's in his litterbox.  
     Don't look.

Which Reminds Me...

     How come when I pee in a men's room, nobody cares at all, but when I pee in a much, much bigger men's department, everybody gets all excited?
     Is this just an Ohio phenomenon or what??

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(İNow by Dan Birtcher, 
Secret Cyndi Lauper Look-a-Like)