Don't Pop Your Pimples While Online Day
May 19, 41 A.B.
just stumbled into
Another Jester's Journal!
Fortified With Faux New Journal Smell! ~
1: Lessons From The Spittlebug
So I'm at a restaurant tonight, minding my own business, eating my own
food (and whatever remnants on nearby tables I can get to before the busboys,
of course) when all of a sudden I see someone come in I really don't
want to have to talk to.
You know, one of those guys.
The kind you never really want to talk to, but especially not
when you'd have to stop pouring salt on your hand and licking it off to
I almost panicked and made a fool of myself by running out the door.
Then I remembered the first spittlebug of the season that I saw in my garden
just two days ago.
You know the spittlebug, don't you? My nature book says they're now
living in every part of the U.S., thanks to the completion of the Interstate
Anyway, they're bugs that coat themselves in a froth of their own spittle
in order to evade their enemies.
Well, smart boy that I am, I figured anything good enough to work on hungry
predators is probably good enough to work on deadly dull conversationalists.
And so, instead of running out the door like a fool, I quickly got
to work losing myself in the froth of my own spittle.
of what I looked like
(only the green
part was white and the white part was green
because I had a
piece of lettuce stuck between my teeth)
As luck would have it, it DID work!
Or it would have had the guy been who I thought he was. Turned out
to be someone else. A total stranger.
Someone who didn't recognize me even after I went up, introduced myself,
and showed him some I.D.
No matter. I managed to evade the waiter and his check while slipping
out undetected through the kitchen (where it turns out spittlebugs are
Of course then I kept right on slipping because of the froth and hurt my
knee, back, and head, but hey - everything has a down side.
You should be used to that by now.
After all, this is real life we're talking about, kiddos - NOT some
childish fantasy world!
2: Contradiction Perfume
So tonight we're watching TV with the sound off (just because it's SO much
more fun when you have to guess what everyone's saying) when a commercial
comes on for some new perfume called Contradiction.
And so I start thinking I know exactly what the voice-over must
"Ahhh, yes... Contradiction perfume! The fragrance that says 'Come
take me NOW!' from across the room, then screams 'RAPE! RAPE!!!!!' the
moment you place your nose on her neck."
Halfway through my little narration, however, my wife flips stations.
To a Taco Bell commercial.
"Yo quiero kinky sex!" the little dog was saying to a puzzled drive-thru
If this makes you wonder what our ancestors did to amuse themselves before
TV came along, I'll be sleeping well tonight!
3: Jester Cat Update
He's at my wife's computer, chatting.
No, wait - that's my WIFE!
I wonder if this means I shouldn't have put the Pepsi in Jester's water
bowl this afternoon and the hairball treatment drops in the iced tea....
4: A Mysterious Letter
I got a letter in the mail today.
A mysterious letter.
A letter addressed to a man who no longer lives here.
A letter postmarked June 1, 1944.
"Dear John," it began quite stupidly since the envelope was clearly
addressed to a man named Johnny. "I know you face your day of
destiny soon. I know this may be the last letter you ever get from
me. And I know the military censors may not allow you to get it at
all. But please - if you get this in time - if it's not already too
late - I beg you! DON'T invade Normandy with a sucker in your mouth!
DON'T go trying to hit any beaches unless they hit you first! DON'T
try to surrender to the Germans with food in your mouth! And DON'T
run into any ambushes while carrying scissors in your hand!
"Your Kindergarten Teacher, Miss Rawlings.
P.S. - Be sure to wash your hands IMMEDIATELY after the war. I can't
BEGIN to tell you all the places it's been!"
Being the good person that I am, I marked "Return To Sender" across
the front and put it back in my box, unopened.
5: Improve Your Wordiness
Accidental Lipicide: Archaic coroner's term for kissing your
ass goodbye prematurely, then killing yourself to escape the shame of your
To An Entry
Find Them All??)
(İNow by My
Wife - no, wait, I mean ME!
Damn - where ARE