Sunday, Jack-O' Tober 1, 41 A.B.


On the plus side...

I've acquired a jack-o'lantern bubble night light!  And it looks JUST LIKE the one there in my background!

Can ya hear me smilin'???

On the minus side...

I've acquired a Scotts lawn spreader.  Paid $26, just so's I could call it my own.  Even used the thing today - for exactly one hour.  

If I follow the lawn care program recommended by Scotts, Inc., I'll be using it a maximum of four hours a year.

That leaves about 8756 hours a year for it to clutter up the garage, gather dust, get hit by the car, be tripped over, have to be moved every time I'm looking for something else, etc.

To quote the prophet, "DOH!"

On the outside looking in...

We drove by a house yesterday where a birthday party seemed to be in progress.  Lots of balloons.  A big, inflated, multi-colored "bounce house" in the front yard such as one sees at all the better fairs and carnies these days.  A real live pony in the driveway.  


It was the nearest thing to Hollywood's version of a nativity celebration that I've ever seen in person.

Or as Amy put it, "Looks like some spoiled little brat is having a birthday party."

"Now, now," I cautioned her.  "Maybe he's dying of some rare disease."

Proof positive that people on their way to a date with a Scotts lawn spreader look at the world through fertilizer-speckled glasses....

As for Apple Season...

Opened my Sunday paper today to find the usual flyer from our grocery store.  

Little did I know that I'd be stunned by the sight of apple porn when I opened it.

We're talking explicit apple porn, boys and girls.  Nine up-close and personal glossy shots of ye olde Forbidden Fruit itself.

Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Jonamac - again and again the names squeezed into my eyes during my embarrassed glances away from glistening, perfectly ripe skins.

And explicit come-on lines accompanied each and every name, too.  "Excellent for desserts!"  "Tart, firm, and juicy!"  "Bake me!  Peel me!  Eat me!"

In an attempt to escape the over-excitement to which I am prone, I started to analyze the text.  

"Hmmmm - seems every variety is good for something.  What about those bad apples I've been hearing about all my life?  Hmmm??  What about THOSE, Mr. Ad Writer?!"

And then I realized that Mr. Ad Writer simply was not telling me the full story.  No, no, no - Mr. Ad Writer was merely plugging in stock phrases I've been hearing all my life about this fall fruit.  I needed - I craved MORE!

And that's when I became an Ad Writer myself, if only in my evil leetle mind....

"McIntosh - The variety which Adam traded everything he had for!"

"Empire - PERFECT for those times when you simply MUST compare apples and oranges!"

"Jonathan - The inspiration of Johnny Appleseed's BEST wet dreams!"

"Royal Gala - Had William Tell been told to shoot one of these off his son's head, he would have shot his son instead!"

"Granny Smith - Makes the BEST 'thunk' sound of ANY variety when thrown at passing Plymouth PT Cruisers!"


Yes, this is how I really spend my weekends.  I get all goofy over pumpkin-shaped night lights, make fun of the innocent fruit which appears in ad flyers, and imagine unknown little boys taking their last pony ride.

If YOUR only alternative was tripping over a lawn spreader in your garage, I bet YOU'D do it, too!






(©Now by Dan-O'Birtcher, frustrated pumpkin wannabe)



One matching set of six Dixie Cups
last seen on the top rack of my dishwasher.

Five open at the top, one crumpled
after being mistaken for an intruder.

Reward possible due to sentimental value
(I inherited them from my grandmother 
when she wasn't looking)

I'll sleep better tonight just knowing that
you're out there looking for them 
instead of doing drugs