Sunday, Jack-O'Tober 8, 41 A.B.
HELP!
My landlord is coming in the morning to replace my laundry room sink faucets and I don't know what to wear!
If I wear jeans, he might ask me to assist him. If I wear a suit and tie, he might think it rather odd. If I wear nothing at all - let's not even go there!
What am I to do??
It's too late to go out and buy a new outfit, so I'm pretty much stuck with what I already have. And what my wife has. Let's not go there, either!
I brought this on myself, you know. I could have avoided this crisis had I simply accepted the squirrel trap my landlord brought over today and said "Thanks! Bye bye!" But NO. I had to take the opportunity to try to fix the faucet that's been dripping for days while I waited for him to arrive. I figured, hey, if I make a royal mess of things, my landlord can save my butt. He was already coming, after all. All I'd have to do is say, "Oh, by the way - I've just flooded the laundry room with a fountain of water that erupted when I broke off the hot water knob. Do you have a sec to take a look?"
That was the plan.
I didn't quite break off the hot water knob, but I may as well have. Once I got the faucet taken apart, I just couldn't get it back together right. I mean to say, thanks to my diligent efforts with a wrench, a hammer, and crow bar, I managed in almost no time at all to turn a simple drip into a steady stream.
Yes, I remembered to shut off the water downstairs first. Yes, I went and bought the right replacement part I needed at the hardware midway through the process. The simple fact is, plumbing repairs never go as smoothly for me as they should. The basement shut-off valves are always - ALWAYS! - corroded, or frozen, or apparently designed never to be turned. Whenever I turn the damn things, they always - ALWAYS! - resent it and leak, or freeze in the shut off position, or snap off. Today - well, today the damn thing simply refuses now to shut all the way off, which is why I still have a steady stream running, and why I mentioned it to my landlord rather than merely learning to live with no hot water for the laundry room sink. I don't understand. I can use a kitchen or bathroom faucet dozens of times a day for years on end with no problem, but if I try to use a basement shut-off valve once - just ONCE! - the thing breaks. Maybe I should be turning them dozens of times each day, just to keep 'em in shape? Or HEY! How about this idea: Why don't plumbers install reliable kitchen- and bathroom-type faucets where they now put inferior shut-off values??
But I digress. The point to remember is that I asked my landlord in to take a look at my stream. And when I asked my landlord if he knew how to fix the hot water faucet right, he said, no - let's replace the whole assembly (hot, cold, spigot - the whole shebang!) first thing in the morning! So I said, "Sure! Why not??"
Not thinking that I don't have anything appropriate to wear.
Not thinking that I might actually have to help if I'm not careful when I'd rather be sitting right here playing PC pinball.
AND I don't know what to have Jester wear, either. A BIG problem, that, as our landlord thinks we have a baby and not a cat. Babies, you see, are lease-approved. Cats are prohibited. So now, not only do I have to get up early and wonder whether to wear satin or leather, I have to dress my cat in infant wear that tends not to have a tail hole.
Oh, I'm going to have one cranky cat by this time tomorrow!
If we're not both washed away in the flood that's sure to occur if I thoughtlessly dress in jeans and am pressed into service as a light holder or a saw passer in the grand tradition of my Great Uncle Birtcher, First Mate on the Hindenburg.
Maybe I'll appear at the door with sunglasses and a white cane....
Maybe I'll just bribe the local radio stations to remind their morning listeners that federal law strictly prohibits the replacement of faucets on Columbus Day....
HELP!
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(©Now by D. Birtcher when what he really ought to be doing is
practicing dressing up as a competent human being)
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