---------- Thursday, Jack-O'Tober 19, 41 A.B.  ----------



     I no longer have squirrels in my basement crawl space.  I took my neighbor's suggestion and put mothballs around my foundation and the squirrels are now gone.  Coincidence?  Perhaps.  Or maybe - just maybe - it has something to do with my choosing to lovingly make my own mothballs from scratch.
     Helpful Hint if you choose to do this yourself:  A light coating of KY jelly on your mothballer greatly reduces the risk of unsightly moth guts build-up.



     Am still waiting to have my drip-drip-dripping laundry room faucets replaced.  Progress IS being made, however.  Yesterday afternoon my landlord brought a plumber over to survey the situation.
     "Yep, you need a new faucet alright.  Will tomorrow be ok?"
     I now suspect I didn't say "Sure" loudly enough or clearly enough or often enough.  
     Or maybe "Sure" was one of those words I tried but failed to get out yesterday just as my head slipped beneath the waves again.
     Anyway, the plumber didn't show up today.
     Maybe he'll show up tomorrow.
     I hope so.
     I figure this air pocket I'm in right now won't last much beyond Saturday morning....


Dear Mr. Bush...

     Word has just filtered into my air pocket that you're still going around saying that you trust the American people.  Again and again, you say you trust them to spend their money better than the federal government, and to run their local schools better than bureaucrats in Washington, and on and on.  The American people are oh so wise, and oh so good - you make me wish I could buy me a pair!  Even two pair!  Plus a spare for the trunk - maybe a small juvenile good enough to get me as far as the next house with an extra uncle in it.
     Anyway, my question is this:  If you trust the American people so dang much, why don't you trust 'em with a full account of your irresponsible youth?  You know - what you did before you turned 40?  I just read somewhere that you were actually arrested while in college for something or other.  Please don't make us spend $50 million and the next 7 years finding out what all the minor details were, ok?  If you trust us, TRUST US to judge you fairly and correctly.
     Oh, and while you're at it - please trust women and their doctors to decide for themselves if and when they need an abortion, ok?
     I don't have much air left in here, you see, and anything you can do to help keep my hyperventilating in check is greatly appreciated.


Dear Mr. Gore....

     I dreamt about you last night.
     I dreamt that in the last debate, when Mr. Bush went on and on again about testing every child every year, and he said that without testing there's no accountability - remember? - well....
     I dreamt that you had the wit and the balls to shoot back with, "So, Governor, if YOU'RE elected president, will YOU agree to be tested at the end of each and every year of YOUR term by a panel of expert economists, political scientists, and historians just so we know if you're learning the job as fast as you should be, in need of remedial attention, or in danger of flunking out?"
     Oooooo, you gave my idealism an orgasm, Mr. Gore!  You really, really did!
     Too bad I wasn't awake enough to really enjoy it.
     Too bad you never seem awake enough to so much as arouse my idealism in real life.


Final Unnecessary Crudeness Of The Evening

Wanna sue me?  Hold that thought - gotta go pee

Are you one of the millions of Americans tired of having
to hear about the bladder control problems of others each and every
night you try to watch the evening news?

Are you tired of having to run from the room and hope you find
a free pillow to muffle the sound of obnoxious pharmaceutical
commercials before your head lets lose 
with an uncontrollable stream of epithets?

Well, now there's hope!

Now there's Detrol for the ears!

Just shove three fast-clogging tablets
in each auditory canal and regain control
of your listening experience!

Please do it for your kids, if not for you.

A temper is a terrible thing to lose.

(Also available in convenient suppository form for people
who watch the news with their heads up their asses)







(©Now by Jester Cat, the innocent stooge of an evil man whose name you need not know)