The following is a Special Message to the American People from Dan Birtcher, President and CEO of Jesterstoned Journals, Inc.

Dear Friend...

By now you've probably heard those news reports alleging a link between the entries I post in "Almost Another Jester's Journal" and a sudden loss of the will to live in over 68% of  the readers of those entries.

I want to reassure you in the strongest terms possible that - even if true - that still leaves you with almost a 1-in-3 chance of surfing away unscathed.  Those happen to be much better odds than the Las Vegas casino bosses give you, and nobody is demanding that the roulette wheels, dice, and cards out there be recalled, now are they?  Of course not.  We here at Jesterstoned Journals ask only for the same amount of respect and due process accorded those better-known abusers of a gullible public.

Thank you.


Dan Birtcher, President and CEO of Jesterstoned Journals, Inc.

Dear Friends...

Umm, me again.  I've just been informed by my legal staff that those news reports alleging a link between my entries and a sudden loss of the will to live are not true.  We've actually checked and it seems that virtually every such report can be traced back to a disgruntled reader.  Obviously, disgruntled readers are not objective readers, and I personally suspect they never were.  If you want an objective opinion, do what I do: Ask someone who has never read a single entry of mine in their life.  Not only are these unbiased folks unfailingly unable to recall a single bad experience with any of my entries, it turns out that they far outnumber those who can even with the aid of hypnosis and the promise of parting gifts.

I rest my case.


Dan Birtcher, President and CEO of Jesterstoned Journals, Inc.

Dear Friends -

It suddenly occurs to me that some of you may think that one must actually read an entry of mine in order to judge it.  Wrong!  In fact, I think we all know how much easier it is to form an opinion about something we know absolutely nothing about.  Just one of the many fringe benefits of ignorance.  Indeed, last time I checked, this particular benefit was a mere two places behind that all-time #1 reason to be ignorant, "Bliss."  ("What you don't know can't hurt you" and "Never being asked to assist with special projects" were battling it out for the #2 and #3 positions.  Surprisingly, "Helping others to feel smugly superior" was a distant 5th.)

Nonetheless, I decided to put your theory to the test recently by reading my own last few entries before posting them and... well... let's just say the results were more or less inconclusive.  Hardly a ringing endorsement of your point of view, is it?

Weakly throwing up my hands and taking to my bed,

Dan Birtcher, President and CEO of Jesterstoned Journals, Inc.


Here's the true story.  My staff said no, don't tell them - your readers are far too unsophisticated to understand the technical details, now go away and let us finish our Minesweeper contest in peace - but I hereby overrule them (albeit in a far corner of my office so they won't overhear and vote to beat me up).

The facts are these:

Exhaustive lab tests performed years ago reveal that some readers may indeed experience an emotionally exhausting flip-over of an entry if they read too fast and the entry is top-heavy with poorly supported innuendo.  It seems that moving one's eyes too rapidly across the page creates a negative pressure vortex immediately behind one's focal point which can cause the left side edge to peel and lift off the screen.  Depending on how lightweight the subject of the entry is, the entire entry can break free of the underlying pixels and go into an uncontrolled roll, stopping only when the bottom of the ditch of complete irrelevance has been reached (or maybe when the hard cement wall of harsh reality has been slammed into).  Those readers who for some reason failed to strap themselves into their own minds before starting to traverse the excretions of mine have at times suffered extreme mental anguish, occasional weightlessness, and (oddly enough) a not unrare terminal nostalgia for "Three's Company."

On the plus side: My entries were completely unassociated with halitosis, tapeworm, and unintended pregnancy.  I know it ain't much, but it did get a 3-judge panel in Toronto to dismiss a whole slew of lawsuits against me alleging otherwise.

Crawling back to bed to hide under the covers until this latest bother blows over,

Dan Birtcher

I HEARD THAT!  Well, just for your information, Miss Smartypants, there is absolutely NO truth to the rumor that an entry of mine was responsible for the Kursk sinking.  Nonetheless, I have sent a bulletin to the commander of every Russian submarine recommending that he immediately relocate the "Read Today's Jester Entry" button some distance from the "Blow Own Bow Off" switch instead of allowing them to remain next to each other and continuing to rely on the visual acuity of the first mate to tell the two apart even during tense war games.  

So there.

Pulling the covers up ever higher,


PS - That ABC News report claiming that it was an excessively long entry of mine which punctured the tire of the Concorde is ridiculous on the face of it.  Since when has my writing been sharp enough to pierce butter, let alone actually puncture properly vulcanized rubber?  And what entry of mine has ever had a point capable of impinging upon the human consciousness, let alone penetrating a steel belted radial?  STOP!  STOP!!  I'm simply too weak from laughter to sadly shake my head in disgust at you anymore!!!

OK - OK you vicious hellhounds of the press!  You WIN!  HAVE IT YOUR WAY!!!

I hereby order a full and complete recall of all my words from all the heads of all the readers in all the world.  They will be replaced with the freshly plagiarized words of a time-tested writer at the expense of MY ego.  Until such replacement has been made, NO reader should attempt to skim another page, try to draw a firm conclusion without the supervision of a linguist, or donate blood.  In fact, NO reader should attempt to donate blood for a full sixty (60) days after having read this very notice lest some fatally flawed thought or turn of phrase of mine find its way through your eyes, into your bloodstream, and end up inadvertently passed along to innocent babes, illiterate bystanders, or those executives of a major U.S. car company who have enough problems right now without an improperly mixed metaphor from me clogging their IV line after they have been discovered on the floor of their Explorer with slit wrists.

I'm sorry, OK?


It'll never happen again.

But if it does, you're crazy if you think I'm ever gonna admit it.

Crawling under the bed, sticking my fingers in my ears, and humming very loudly,

DB, latest applicant for the FBI's "Venal CEO Protection Program"

a shining example of the sort of entry
it really ought to be illegal to post


a complete list of recent entries
i'll be putting on a boat for venezuela shortly


blather so toxic
i had to wait for tomorrow's technology to arrive
before attempting to safely dispose of it online


(©Now by Venal CEO #5446-8839-7173DANBIRTCHER555)