||||||||||||||||||||||||| Monday, Simptempter 18, 41 A.B. |||||||||||||||||||||||||
Every so often I like to just stop, kick back, and recall all of life's little pleasures.
This isn't one of those times.
I'm not doing anything - in fact, I haven't done a damn thing in days - so there's really nothing to stop. I'm more of a pincher than a kicker, and even that minor physical activity leaves me uncomfortably winded. And my powers of recall have been shot all to hell ever since... I can't remember when.
Nonetheless, I shall now gallantly attempt to recall some of life's little pleasures in the hope that doing so might make your own life a little more bearable.
Just because I'm a nice, unselfish guy with nothing better to do.
And because I love you.
Yes, YOU.
Now hurry up and read on before I get all teary-eyed and my stained-glass contacts start to bleed again.
Life's Little Pleasures
1. Watching someone else's kid barf in a restaurant and knowing that you're not the poor sucker who has to clean it up.
2. Reading that there are between 1400 and 1700 shipwrecks in Lake Erie - and no one can prove you're responsible for a single one.
3. Realizing (as I did on Saturday) that you truly are a man ahead of your time. About 45 seconds ahead of your time, to be precise, as that's about how long I had to wait for Nancy Sinatra to catch up with my saying "Are ya ready, boots? Start walking!" as I sang along with her on the car radio.
4. The thrill of writing blather in a public place where someone might come along and catch you with pen in hand and blather on paper. (Not that I would know - I've just heard rumors.)
5. Always remembering to put on that CD you don't like just before you leave the house so you never have to listen to it while you're there.
6. Remembering that Heinz doesn't really have 57 varieties - that it was just a random number selected for marketing purposes - before the people at the Heinz plant answer their phone again and get all snotty like.
7. Opening a mailbox to mail a letter and not having the badly decayed arm of a hungry Zombie Queen named Gertrude grab your hand and pull you in.
8. Reading that Karl Marx used the phrases "capitalist stooge," "lackey of the bourgeoisie," and "elementary school Perfect Attendance Award winner" interchangeably.
9. Being told by the Centers for Disease Control hotline experts that bovine encephalitis simply cannot be acquired in a gas station rest room no matter how recently it appears as if an entire herd of bovines has been in there.
10. People actually give you real, useful things like food, clothing, and sex in exchange for little pieces of paper you didn't even have to make yourself.
11. Discovering all over again that the volume of the voices in your head can be controlled by tugging on your right (up) and left (down) earlobes.
12. Even if they outlaw the burning of the American flag, that'll still leave the flags of over 180 other countries you can torch with impunity. Not to mention all the Candyland boards you can get your hands on.
13. All the scissors that used to have three blades and no fingerholes are now mercifully extinct.
14. Minnesota is the #1 producer of cultivated wild rice.
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(©Now by D. Birtcher just because it's the littlest of life's little pleasures
and he feels sorry for it)---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
POP QUIZ
Instead of spending billions of dollars to send yet another probe to Mars to search
for signs of life, couldn't NASA just slap a $10 doorbell on the shuttle?