Hi!  Big day here for me today - I finally took the plunge and came up with a gimmick that I think will put me on Easy Street for the rest of my life!  HAHA!!  No more wondering about where my next bag of M&Ms is coming from!  No more wasting my time trying to figure out if Bush's or Gore's plan for Social Security stands the best chance of keeping my aged butt warm through the cold Ohio winters come 2024!  No sirree!

What's my secret?

BEHOLD!  A preview of my ground-breaking ad campaign, soon to hit newsstands EVERYWHERE (starting May 1 with Somalia)!

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Let's face it.  It's happened to all of us.  We're going along in life, we think we're doing fine, when from out of nowhere comes a question we just don't have an answer for.

Hi, my name is Don Birtchero.  Like most people, unexpected questions are a daily challenge to my knowledge base, to my ability to lie, and especially to my self-esteem.  Unlike most people, however, I decided to take a year off from most household chores and devote my time to coming up with a set of all-purpose answers just so I'd never be caught unprepared again.

Many told me I was embarking upon a fool's errand, a wild goose chase, even chasing rainbows in the sky.  Others just laughed and shook their heads.

Well, they're not laughing anymore!

How did I shut them up?

By coming up with answers that haven't failed me yet!

Indeed, I now have far more answers than I can ever use myself.  So many, in fact, that I've decided to share them with long-suffering people everywhere by writing a little thing I call "Don's Big Book of Completely Adequate Responses."  Now - for a mere $15.95 (plus shipping and handing) - you, too, can soon be easily rattling off such responses as ...

- Yes
- No
- Of course!
- Definitely not
- Perhaps
- Maybe
- Yeah, right
- Ummm, I think that's illegal in this state

... plus 5 more field-tested replies to questions from young and old alike.

But wait - there's more!  If you order before midnight tonight you'll also get "Don's Big Book of Numerical Guesses!"  This expertly edited and completely cross-indexed work puts at your fingertips such utterly adequate numerical replies as ...

- One
- Three-fourths
- Several
- Half a dozen
- Four score
- Umpteenth
- 2000%
- Gazillion

... plus many, many more!  How can I say this?  Because "many, many more" is right here before me on page... one!

Now I know it's never easy to change.  I realize all too well how much simpler it can be to just sit or stand with mouth agape and feign an epileptic seizure whenever an unexpected question is tossed our way.  That's why I offer this money back guarantee: Try my books for several or even four score years and if at the end of that time you are not COMPLETELY satisfied I will gladly refund whatever portion of your money I haven't spent yet - no questions asked!

If you won't do it for yourself, at least think about doing it for mom and dad and all the other people in your life who love you and need you but are getting damn sick of your inability to answer anything that doesn't buzz or ring.

Or do it just for the hell of it.

JUST DO IT, OK?!

Sorry.  Merely being rhetorical there.  No reply is expected.  Just money.

THANKS!

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Does anyone know if it's possible to buy a Porsche online?

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(©Now by Don - er, Dan Birtcher)

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Today's Trivia Question

Budweiser is indistinguishable from the urine of what mythological creature?

A.  The unicorn
B.  The centaur
C.  The werewolf
D.  Molly Ringwald