Wed., April 11, 42 A.B.
Canada, Oh Canada - Was It Static Cling That Drove You To It?
CHICAGO - Fruit of the Loom has sued Gildan Activewear, Inc.,
accusing the Montreal company of stealing trade secrets to gain a competitive edge....
I just don't understand. First we American allowed Los Alamos scientists to pass our nuclear secrets to the Chinese. Then we allowed Robert Hanssen to pass all our FBI secrets to the Russians. And now it turns
out that we can't even keep our underwear secrets out of the hands of
What next?! Will the heretofore unfathomable secret of Regis Philbin's popularity soon be in the hands of Castro or the Ebola virus? Exactly
how am I supposed to get a good night's sleep around here anymore??
At least I know how I'll be spending all those extra hours of wakefulness this latest caper has provided me with - I'll be trying to figure out the following things:
1) What kind of underwear secrets can there possibly be? What's the least number of stitches one can use to attach the washing instructions label? How small can you make the fly opening and still not inconvenience American men? How to make an elastic band that will survive a tug of war with a poodle?
2) Can ANYTHING be kept secret anymore? I found Col. Sander's recipe for his Kentucky Fried Chicken in a book at the library once (the secret ingredient turned out to be coffee). We all read far more about a certain president's sex life than we really wanted to know. And yet people STILL think the government is keeping the lid on alien visitations and the JFK assassination? HA! It's a wonder that every kid in the country isn't
singing the latest in nuclear launch codes on the way to lunch.
3) Exactly how stupid are the people at Gildan Activewear Inc.,
anyway? Fruit of the Loom filed for bankruptcy over a year ago. Its
stock has dropped from 60 cents a share to under 11 cents a share in
the last 12 months. Gildan, in contrast, is thriving. Yet Gildan is stealing Fruit of the Loom's secrets?? What - are those Canadians up there in Montreal afraid of being too successful? Or have Canadians been taking their cue from Americans for so long they just can't stop even when they really, really ought to?
4) None of the Canadians I know even wear underwear. Exactly who is this sneaky Canadian underwear company selling its products to? Osama bin Laden? Saddam Hussein? Are they shipping vast quantities of stylish briefs to chaff-prone Colombian drug lords in exchange for cocaine, sex slaves, or equatorial heat? I suspect this whole spy plane "crisis" with China was manufactured just to throw us off the less-than-Downy-fresh scent!
5) If our underwear secrets aren't safe from being stolen, is our underwear itself any safer?!
That's it for this entry.
I gotta go stand watch over my favorite pair of silk boxers. And I suggest you do the same! I sure could use the company.
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