Wed., April 25, 42 A.B.
They say that confession is good for the soul. Having made a hash of
everything else they've ever said, I figured it was high time I took a crack at this old claim of theirs. After all, it's not as if the alternative is for me to
convene a special meeting of the UN and demand the rich countries of
the world finally fund a cure for malaria or anything....
1) In a weak moment, I decided to go to Yahoo's list of online journals
and check out the ten or so they claim are the most popular. You know, the ones that get 400 hits a day instead of a decade. Tentative conclusion: All are much better written than my journal, and all have much better graphics. Other than that, I really can't tell our offerings apart and have no idea why I'm not getting 400 hits a day, too. Just out of curiosity,
I thought I'd experiment a little and see if I can snag one new reader a month. Since there's nothing I can do to improve the writing here, I
thought I'd go all out on the graphics side and start writing entries on both sides of my fake binder sheets. Just one more cynical attempt to win a few seconds of meaningless attention from people I'll never meet by shamelessly pandering to the human thirst for novelty, you say? Well, maybe, but I prefer to think of it as a subliminal reminder to those people
to use every sheet of paper in the real world as wisely and efficiently as possible.
2) I am becoming more and more ashamed to be an Ohioan. For 30, 40 years I've heard about the Cincinnati Reds. Every year, every day of every summer, it's been the Reds did this, the Reds did that, blah blah
blah blah blah. This month, in the wake of those Cincinnati riots, I finally get a story in my newspaper about how Cincinnati is one of the most segregated cities in America - a place run like a plantation by a tight little group of white corporation bosses. Well, gee - it's just SO reassuring to know that our news media have their priorities straight. Maybe after another 30, 40 years of Reds coverage they'll finally get around to telling us what's really being dumped into the Ohio River.... Meanwhile, in Columbus, our local state representative is pushing for a new law that will allow us to carry concealed weapons. You know - just so we have the tools we need to fully express our road rage when the opportunity
presents itself. When it was pointed out to our rep that almost 70% of Ohioans oppose his bill, what did he say? "Who cares what the people think? I intend to do the right thing!" .... MEANWHILE, our governor's solution to a state budget deficit is to reduce funding to the libraries and the universities while allowing the universities to dramatically raise their tuition. This might be expected to create concern twice over at the University of Toledo (which has already cut its library staff to about 2 people and a dog) but no - the new president there says that college libraries are non-essential services. Kinda like on-campus rest rooms, I guess. NOTE: Ohio already expects its university students to pay a higher percentage of the costs of college than any nearby state. Ohio also has a lower percentage of residents with at least a bachelor's degree, too. And a higher percentage of smokers. Coincidence? I don't know. I'm too stupid to figure it out, and when I call the library for help, all I get is
a busy signal....
3) I've always wanted to be a Shriner. I'm not sure what they do, but they always seem so dang happy as they drive off in those little red cars of theirs to do it. So, what's holding me back? Fear of having an itchy fez. Don't get me wrong - I'd LOVE to have a fez I can call my own, and I'd LOVE to wake up each morning and know the pleasure of slipping a fez onto my head. But.... What if I got an itch? What if I got this itch in public and couldn't scratch because then everyone would know I have an itchy fez and start thinking (maybe even saying) nasty things about my fez.
Two or three ill-timed manic scratching episodes in public and I might even become known as the Itchy Fez Man - the sort of fellow people would see at the mall and immediately start drifting away to the far side of the concourse. And like a goof, I'd think it was the color of my fez tassel or something, and waste a lot of time and money trying to get just the right shade. If YOU know a man with an itchy fez that you're avoiding, the least you can do is tell him what his real problem is before he pointlessly blows all his money on tassels.
4) I'm thinking about adopting a baby. In fact, the only thing holding me back now is the fear that I won't be able to keep it hidden from my wife. And I know I'd have to keep it hidden from my wife if I got one because the time I tried to adopt something that was already housebroken at the local woman's shelter, well... let's just say that she wasn't very supportive at all.
5) It hurts me to think that you long ago stopped reading these heart-felt confessions of mine and allowed your eyes to drift over to my stunningly new binder graphics. In fact, I'm so hurt that if I had a concealed weapon on me, those damn graphics would now be getting what they so richly deserve for stealing you away from me. Instead, I'm reduced to pointlessly sitting here and calling those graphics bad names. How sad is that??
6) Since no one is reading this anymore, no sense holding back. GEORGE W. BUSH IS POOPY BRAINED!!!!!
7) Ahhhhhh... I suddenly think I'm gonna sleep well tonight despite all my frustrations. :-) :-)
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(©Twice after not measuring at all by the suddenly giddy DJ Birtcher)