Thursday, August 23, 42 A.D.


So, I had this dream last night.

And in this dream McDonald's was trying to boost sales by running a special game.

Each time I bought something at McDonald's, they gave me a special game piece.

If I collected enough of the right game pieces, they told me, I'd win millions of dollars.

So I went to McDonald's every day, and I bought something every time I went, and I collected and I collected and I collected game pieces until my house was overflowing with them.

And my butt no longer fit into my pants.

And STILL I went to McDonald's every day.

Using a shovel to get to my front door after wrapping a surplus circus tent around my bulging, Egg McMuffin-fortified thighs.

Because winning millions of dollars sure would be fun, wouldn't it?

Years went by....

From my bed in the coronary care unit of my local hospital, I spend my days on the phone with the security guards I've hired to guard my game piece-stuffed home.

And my nights trying to forget my troubles by watching those of other people on CNN.

And one night CNN tells me that a man at the company McDonald's had hired to run their game has been arrested.

Seems he and a gang of co-conspirators from across the country rigged the game so that they would win the millions of dollars I had been counting on using to pay for my heart transplant.

Seems they'd rigged the game from the get-go.

It's a story I take a personal interest in, and I follow it night and day after dismissing my security guards and ripping all the hair from my head.

The deviousness of the guy and his gang are described in great, documented detail by CNN.  The guy and his gang are arrested and put on trial.  They are convicted, ordered to make restitution, then sent to prison where they are fed the table scraps of McDonald's customers.

The guy and his gang do not like this much.

They appeal straight away to the US Supreme Court.

And before the week is out, the US Supreme Court orders that the guy and his gang be freed.

And that every last penny of the millions of dollars they had "won" be given right back to them.

"It is more important that the prize money be awarded on the date specified on the game pieces than that the actual winners be awarded said money," Justice Antonin Scalia read to the nation from the text of his majority opinion.

"To drag this out any further - to examine and re-examine the game pieces in an increasingly goofy attempt to find the 'real' winners would create an air of uncertainty in restaurants here and around the world at a crucial time in our nation's history - and we know how bad that can be to the human digestion...."

"To those who might say, 'B-B-B-But that isn't fair!' I say, 'Show me where the word fair appears in the U.S. Constitution.'  If the Founding Fathers had cared about fairness at all, don't you think they would have mentioned it at least once?"

At which point I woke up in a cold sweat with a side order of fries.

At least that's what I think I did.

If this actually wasn't a dream at all, please keep it to yourself.

One of you just might win a million kisses if you do....

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(©Now by DJ Birtcher using the antique set of smoke and mirrors
he got stuck with at a recent courtroom close-out sale)