Monday, August 27, 42 A.D.
Collecting The Thoughts That Blew Off The Mind That I Inexpertly Strapped Atop The Car That Moved My Ass To Columbus
1) The next time I prepare to move I am NOT going to ask any jewelry stores for their spare boxes. And I am NOT going to break and smash and grind up my possessions to get them to fit in those boxes just because doing so seems easier than having to go out again.
2) The next time I prepare to move I'm going to go to my local turbine outlet mall and search their dumpsters for a single box big enough for all my possessions and be done with it.
3) The next time I move I'm going to have the movers bring two trucks with them from the start - one for my box of possessions and one for all the cat toys.
4) The next time I move I am NOT going to wait until the last minute to touch every corner of every room of my soon-to-be never-to-be-entered- again old residence. DO THE MATH NOW, DAN. You currently live in a place with 175 corners (including those in closets, cupboards, and medicine cabinets). Assume you'll live there 5 years. This means you need to touch 35 corners a year, or approximately 3 a month if you're going to touch all of them before you move again. DO IT!
5) If you intend to kiss any of those corners goodbye, do it NOW - NOT on your last day there while the movers are trying to ask you whether or not you consider the fridge a cat toy.
6) REMEMBER: You can travel no faster than 45 mph if you want those stuffed animals which insist on traveling with their heads hanging out the car windows to arrive at your new residence with those heads still more or less attached to their bodies.
7) Not ALL the extra bubblewrap bubbles have to be popped the moment you get to your next new home. Feel free to touch a few corners first.
8) The next time your bubblewrap popping draws dirty looks from the neighbors hasten to tell them that you are merely performing a few quality control test pops before sending a goodly supply of unpopped bubblewrap to the bubblewrapless children of southeast Asia.
9) NOTE: Steaks will probably still be a poor substitute for bubblewrap when it comes time to wrap up your wine goblets again.
10) NOTE: TV broadcast signals do NOT have to be packed up at all.
11) Although some communities are touchier about this than others, it is always a good idea to deactivate all of the prior tenant's minefields BEFORE the Welcome Wagon arrives.
(©Now by DJ Birtcher according to the instructions radioed to him by the calm and patient expert copyrighter in the control tower)
PS - Last night I dreamt that I was at a book auction. The auctioneer had just announced to the crowd (apparently with regard to the books about to be auctioned off) "Last night I sat on two at once." I turned leftward in the seat I had amongst the crowd and said to Phil Collins, "Wasn't that the name of your last album?" Although I meant this as a wry joke, Mr. Collins was not amused. In fact, he gave me a slight, obviously unrehearsed scowl and stormed off.
This PS doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the entry, but I felt compelled to include it here because I'd feel terrible if I learned someday that any of my readers had said something inappropriate to a famous rock star and I'd done nothing to warn them of the consequences which can flow from that sort of behavior.
Are you a reader?
Consider yourself thoroughly warned.